


Fix You

by minervamason



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Falling In Love, Sort Of, letters exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-08-03 11:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 46,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16325549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minervamason/pseuds/minervamason
Summary: Jaime is a former athlete that, after losing his right hand, also lost himself. Brienne is a soldier at the war front, with no one waiting for her at home.Enrolling in a exchange letters program was in neither of their mind, but it could be exactly what they needed.Translation from italian of one of my old stories.





	1. Sarcasm

Jaime Lannister looked at his brother widening his eyes, incredulous “I should do what ?”

Tyrion put down the sheets he held in his hand on his brother's desk. “Come on Jaime, at least try it, it will not be so bad! You can help someone and it will help you too!”. Jaime's face became red with anger. “I don’t need any help”.

“I saw the empty bottles Jaime, I understand what you're trying to do, throwing me and the rest of the family out of your life, but don’t hope for me to accept all this like Cersei or dad do! Nothing has changed for me!”

Jaime stood up angrily, showing the stump of his right hand “Didn't change anything you say? Don’t you see my life going to hell? I had a future, I had value, I was sure of my place in the world, and now everything has vanished! How can you say that nothing has changed?” “It doesn’t change what I feel for you, you're my brother, I love you, and I will not stand looking at you while you destroy yourself.” Tyrion pushed the sheets towards him “One letter, see how it goes, you could really like it.”

 

When Tyrion read about the aid program for soldiers in Iraq, his thoughts went straight to his brother. He didn't want to go to any support group, too proud for that, but maybe talking to someone outside the family circle would have been a good thing. Even more so if this could also help someone else.

 

“Jaime, I know that nothing can give you back what you lost …” Tyrion's gaze lingered for a moment on the baseball trophies that his brother once proudly showed to anyone who went to his house, and who were now in one box behind the sofa, taking dust. 

“But please don’t let yourself go, I beg you.” With a last look at Jaime, still standing at the desk looking at the floor, Tyrion took his jacket and left.

 

Jaime slid into the chair, a can of beer in his hand. As if it could do any good. Writing to a damn soldier on the other side of the world would certainly not make his hand magically reappear. Or his career. Or the respect of his father. He fixed the sheets intensely for a moment, then, taking a deep breath, began to read. It was a simple exchange of letters, nothing more in the end. He stopped for a moment, reading the name of the soldier chosen for him, and smiled to himself. Cadet Brienne Tarth. A woman, he hadn’t really expected that. With his mind uncertain and slightly clouded by alcohol, he began to write.

  
  
*

 

Brienne slid down on her cot, happy to give herself a minute of rest. They’d gone ahead and back from the city to the camp to bring supplies from dawn, and they had not had a moment of peace, always alert for possible attacks. Loras passed her by, throwing her an amused look.

 

“What is it Tarth, are you destroyed by that little work?” She smiled, throwing him her pillow, that landed just right on his shoulder “I'm not the one who fell asleep on the food boxes Tyrell!”

 

“Guys, stop it!” Renly entered the tent, a kind smile on his face “Captain” both snapped to salute him, but he liquidated everything with a wave of his hand “I'm just here to deliver the mail. Loras these are for you” he said passing a couple of letters, before turning to Brienne “and this is for you.”

 

Brienne looked stunned at the letter the captain was handing her “I don’t receive mail.” 

 

“I don’t think there are other Brienne of Tarth in the camp, don’t you think Loras?”  “No, thank God we have only one” Brienne didn’t waste time answering, concentrated as she was on her new letter “Jaime Lannister? Who is it?”

 

“I think it's the answer to the soldier help group”  “I have never signed up for such a thing!” Renly's smile accentuated even more.  “No, in fact, I did it for you.” 

“You ... you ... what?” 

 

“I really think it's a great thing to get support from home Brienne, I know you haven’t received a single letter since you came in. We all need something to remind us that this is not our reality, that this is not our whole life, so it’s not going to drive us mad.” He added putting the letter to Brienne's bed “Try it.”

 

Brienne stood for a moment staring at the letter, unsure on what to do before finally opening it.

 

**January 14, 2002**

 

**To Cadet Brienne Tarth,**

 

**I would like to begin by apologizing for the horrible calligraphy of this letter, my forced crippling that seems to collect so much compassion in the people around me does not help to write with my left hand unfortunately. Instead, it seems to have made my brother feel obliged to save me from my self-destruction by making me write letters to strangers. Here, I said it, I have not chosen to write this letter of my own free will, and I am doing it mainly to be left alone.**

**I will not go into unnecessary speeches such as "Thank you for what you do" "Your contribution is essential" "You're a heroine" because people probably already tell you that enough, right? And even if it’s not the case, you wouldn’t want to receive compliments like that from a person like me.**

**It's probably not the letter you expected, but if it comforts you this is not the life I expected. I free yourself from any "military duty" you feel obliged to fulfill by responding to this letter, it is not necessary.**

**If you have reached this point, well, congratulations for not having torn the letter first, greetings,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

  
  


Brienne reread the letter several times, disconcerted to such an extent that she did not notice the convulsive way in which she was holding it in her hand. That man was a damn arrogant, how could you write something like that? With a gesture of annoyance that she did not recognize as her own, she took pen and paper, ready to exploit the anger she felt boiling inside her.

 

_ January 25, 2002 _

 

_ To Mr. Jaime Lannister, _

_ Not only is it offensive that you feel no respect for the military establishment, which is one of the pillars of our country, but even more so is the lack of respect for this aid program, which is done for the soldiers, not for sad lonely men who do not know what to do with their lives and unload their contempt for themselves onto others. It is not to respond to any military obligation that I write this, but to express my distaste for people like you. You this time, really do not feel obliged to answer. _

_ Brienne Tarth _

_ Ps: no one gave you the permission to be so formal with me, Mr. Lannister. I hope you are more polite in other circumstances of your life. _

 

Jaime read the letter again, while a sly smile rose to his lips. He had found some bread for his teeth, perhaps this exchange of letters was going to be more interesting than expected. He went to the desk, leaving behind half-full beer; he needed to be lucid, he wanted to use as much sarcasm as he could.

 

**February 9 2002**

 

**Sweetie ...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've finished this story, but I've always wanted to try to translate it so here we go, I'm giving it a try. It's not super easy, also because certaing this I've used are hard to translate, but I'll see how it will go. First of all, I would like to ask you for an advice: in the original story Jaime calls Brienne "fanciulla" which is both a translation for wench and maid/maiden. In italian it's an old word, but it has maynly positive connotations. I wanted to use wench or maiden, but I realised that in modrne language it would have been interpretate as an insult to write something like that to a woman. So for now I've put sweetie (also Doctor Who reference) but maybe you have better ideas! Let me know, for me there is no problem keeping this, but I realise it doesn't make much sense if related to the series.


	2. Self-Pity

**February 9, 2002**

 

**Sweetie,**

****  
**we have sharp claws, am I right?** **  
** **I suppose it's a necessity given the great male component of the army, I can imagine that not everyone is kind to a female soldier. You say that I don’t respect the military institution, but if it can make you feel better, you should know that I have lost respect for any institution around me, starting with my family.**

 

**You are completely right, I am a sad, lonely man  that vomits contempt on others because he cannot stand himself, but what can I do? I find it extremely delightful to write this letter, trying to imagine your irritated expression when receiving it, even though I don’t know what you look like. Feel free not to answer me, but the letters might continue to arrive, even if only for the distraction I feel in writing them. So perhaps you could indulge this poor cripple and write something back, even with letters full of insults. Probably this will be our first and only thing in common, we both hate Mr. Jaime Lannister. See you soon, maybe,** **  
** **  
******

**Jaime Lannister**

 

Brienne cursed herself for not having directly thrown the letter into the bin when she had received it. She wanted to do it, but Renly had looked at her with that confident expression she hated to disappoint, and she thought there could be nothing wrong if she only gave it a look.

 

This guy must have a sea of problems, probably psychological as well as physical, but Brienne could not seem to be able to take her mind away from the exchange of letters. That weird man intrigued her, she wanted to know why he hated himself so much, what led him to lose his hand ... even only for escaping the reality that she lived every day.

 

Only the day before they had been attacked by a patrol unit and a boy from her company had been wounded in the arm. This man was not much of a diversion, but he was always better than nothing. She took paper and pen while Loras looked at her curiously on the other side of the tent. She made him read the previous letter, and he was sure she would not linger on that exchange any more. She shrugged looking at him and began to write.

 

_February 22, 2002_

 

_To Mr. Jaime Lannister,_

 

_I must say that I was surprised to receive a second letter, I thought and hoped that the first was a simple joke, and yet here we are. I will not even try to explain to you my disappointment in your manners or the way you address me, which I find degrading and sexist. I am a soldier as much as my fellow men, it shouldn’t be hard even for you to understand it. I will just continue to be formal, since I do not consider myself (nor will I ever consider myself) your friend. You should also know that I will continue to answer your letters, hoping one day to make you understand how much you’re wrong to think and say things like that. It will be my personal crusade. You write about being crippled, and since you don’t mind being rude, I don’t mind asking you of what you’re talking about. I believe it will be a more interesting topic of conversation than the self-pity. Regards,_

 

_Brienne Tarth_

 

Jaime found himself smiling with the letter in his hand. Not that he had been waiting or ran into the house to read it after finding it in the mailbox.

 

But he was strangely glad that Brienne had not simply ignored him. A loud mewling made him turn his gaze towards the french door that looked out onto the garden.

 

A shabby red cat was sitting in front of the window, a paw resting on the glass as it mewed non-stop, anxious to enter. Jaime put the letter on the table in front of him and went to open the window. The cat started to rub against his legs, emitting low purr and then scampered up to the couch.

 

He was genuinely the ugliest cat Jaime had ever seen, and when he'd been in front of him a couple of weeks ago, Jaime had almost got scared. It was a street cat, full of scars and one-eyed, not counting the half-eaten ear, destroyed by some kind of beast, but it was strangely sociable and Jaime had not felt to leave him or deny him some food.

 

On the other hand, he felt connected to the animal, solitary and different, out of the world. The cat looked at him with his intense blue eye and stretched on the couch, his bed of choice since he arrived. Jaime sat down next to him and lightly stroked him with his healthy hand. Probably it was a bad idea to keep him, he could bring some kind of illnesses and his sister certainly would not have brought his nephews to visit him if she had known.

 

"But Cersei doesn’t have to know, right?" The cat replied with loudly purr, and Jaime conveniently took it for a yes. He took paper and pen from his desk and began to write an answer for Brienne.

 

 

**March 9, 2002**

  
**Dear sweetie,**

****  
**  
** **Now that I know it's bothering you to be called like that, be assured that I will not stop doing it, even under torture. I'm childish, right? My father always points that out to me. Can I venture to wish you a late happy Women’s day? Or do you find this also degrading and sexist? I'm curious to know if your fellow men have congratulated you, or simply ignored the matter ... As for my disability, as you may have already understood, it is my right hand. Well or the fact that there is no longer a right hand.**

 

**A ugly car accident a year ago. I think I have not yet gotten used to its absence; too many times I find myself trying to grab something just to see it fall to pieces on the ground. This, besides being the sad truth, is also a good metaphor of my life. You say that I self-pity myself, and you're probably right. I lost everything by losing my hand. What remains is only the insignificant pile of flesh behind it.** ****  
**I do not think you can understand, but I wanted to try.** **  
** **See you soon,**

**  
** **Jaime Lannister**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for all the nice comments, it's really interesting for me to read your opinions, suggestions ecc, so if you want to tell me things, give me suggestions, go haead! Also you can find me on Tumblr as @minervamason if you want.  
> For our "lost in translation" series, in italian when you talk to someone that you don't know very well or is older than you ecc, you don't say "tu" as second person singular as you usually do, but "lei" (usually third person singular for female), as in french they do with tu and vous. In english it's impossible to do that, so just know that in the original Jaime talks with Brienne using the informal "tu", and Brienne reply with the formal "lei", being very annoyed that Jaime wrote her so informaly since they don't know each others. I hope you liked this chapter, 'till next time!


	3. Honor

"Tarth, you should stop shooting randomly during practice, projectiles are expensive."

"We'll talk about it again when I’ll save you that delicate back of yours Tyrell, you're shooting like you’re blind."

 

The area resounded with gunshots and both had to shout to talk a few inches away, but it was a daily habit. Truth be told, Loras’ quirk of consistently trying to make her feel incapable had been a great incentive to keep outdoing herself over the years. He had always been good, one of the best shooters Brienne had ever had the pleasure of meeting, but she was not joking either. For four years in a row, she had won the prize as the best shooter of the regiment before going overseas, and even now she was up to her name.

  


She felt Renly's gaze behind her, and she felt reassured by his presence. After all those years spent together he had become like a brother to her, and her only point of reference since her father died. She realized she was not an easy person, self-contained and rather shy, but he had managed to look beyond the first impression, and she would always silently thank him for it. Even Loras loved her deep down, but like her, he would never admit it.

 

 

While they were shooting the tiredness and stress of the last days slipped away while she relaxed in the methodical gesture of aiming, firing and reloading. She was born to be a soldier, it was the only thing she was really good at, the only thing that really felt hers.  She thought of her father, who had initially opposed her desire to enlist, about how he had become convinced after seeing the happiness it gave to his daughter. A slight lump formed in her throat as she remembered that he was no longer home waiting for her.

 

 

She had wanted to be a better daughter, give him grandchildren, stand by him while he was in the last days of his life, but they were things she could not do, and some nights it did not give her peace.

 

 

Aiming, firing, reloading.

 

 

Her mind returned to the letter waiting for an answer, locked in her locker near the bed, the enigmatic Jaime Lannister and his self-destructive sarcasm. She tried to imagine him, but the only thing that remained fixed in her mind was the stump on his right hand. She had reread his letter several times, but had failed to write him an adequate reply; that man surprised her a little more every time.

  


 

"Tarth come down from the clouds!" Loras's voice sounded loud beside her, and she realized she had stopped. She started again, trying to chase all her thoughts away.

 

 

Aiming, firing, reloading.

 

 

It was all she needed in that moment.

 

*****

 

 

_March 20, 2002_

 

_To Mr. Jaime Lannister,_

 

_I must say that your last letter surprised me. I did not believe you capable of such profound thoughts, what else do you hide behind the mask of rudeness?_

_I must confess to you that your wishes were the only ones I received, now I think my companions consider me to be like them so much that they have forgotten that I am a woman; the fact that I am definitely not very feminine doesn’t help._

_However I would never dare to refuse them, wanting to see them as an incentive to respect the female gender. I don’t want to seem tedious about this, but I think you cannot even imagine the kind of trouble that being a woman gives me in this environment._

_As for your disability, even though I've never experienced such a thing on my skin, I've seen it happen many times around me. Being a soldier is not an easy job, and the disabilities are sadly common._

_What you describe is what we call the "phantom limb syndrome", when we see and hear again in our mind what we have lost, unable to accept the fact that it is gone. It’s due to both your interrupted nerves and your stubborn brain, and it can drive people mad._

_But there are many other reasons to live for, I refuse to believe that a hand is so fundamental to overcome the very importance of the individual. I imagine you sitting on a dusty sofa and weeping at yourself, thinking about what you have lost._

_Do not you have some honor? Some self-love? Get up and do something, something useful. Don’t write to me until you have done it, or I will not answer you! And I assure you that I'm good at understanding lies._

_‘till next time,_

 

_Brienne Tarth_

  


While Jaime read the letter, he found himself noticing Brienne’s handwriting for the first time. It was extremely delicate, a light italic but not frivolous as he usually found female handwriting.

 

 

Clear and simple, as it seemed to be the communication style of cadet Tarth . He smiled to himself as he thought of how he had managed to get such a deep conversation from a stormy start as theirs had been. Brienne's speech was not new to him, but her words were strangely comforting to Jaime, who usually hated to receive such speeches. Yet there was no shadow of pity in Brienne's sentences, just understanding. He went back to the point of the letter that had most affected him.

 

 

"Honor" he said over and over  outloud, and the cat curled up beside him uttered a low meow "What, do you also think I should find some honor? It seems I’ve able to find only ugly cats this days ..." he paused for a moment, hitted by a brilliant intuition.

 

 

He jumped up and went to one of the old bookcases in the living room, and retrieved an object that he had not used for years. He returned to the sofa, blowing the dust off the old Polaroid, hoping it still worked. He took a picture of the cat while he looked at him with a bored expression and when the little photo came out of the camera he looked at it with a pleased expression; he was afraid that using only his left hand the photo would be moved, but it was perfect. "In my next letter I will tell Brienne that I have made my first useful act: I have found Honor." The cat began to purr, almost pleased with the name assigned him.

  


 

The phone rang, and Jaime let go of the camera to answer "Hello?"

"Jaime ..." Jaime's heart stopped for a moment to hear his sister's voice; it was almost two months that she hadn’t call  "Who does not die ..." "Stop being a baby. Not everyone can spend their days on the couch, I've been busy. "

"Well, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

"I wanted to know if I could come next week, the kids are asking about you."

"Of course, I guess Joffrey is dying to see the useless cripple."

"He apologized for that unhappy joke, he did not say it viciously, and then I have a business meeting, I need someone to look for Tommen and Myrcella, Joffrey will be at school."

"Ah here's the real reason, I had to imagine it. Good old Jaime is always ready when Cersei calls, right?”

 

 

The guilty silence on the other end of the line gave Jaime a bit of satisfaction, at least she realized her bad behavior. "Bring them whenever you want, as you said, I spend my days on the couch, I have nothing else to do. Say hello to your fat husband for me."

 

 

He closed the call before Cersei could add anything else, and returned to the couch. It made him tired to always argue with his sister, but by now it was the only thing they did. As long as he was famous and admired by everyone their relationship was idyllic, she wore him on a silver tray and he, of course, adored it. But now every time they met, he felt her eyes go inevitably to his missing part, while she helped him build the wall he had erected to keep away from everything and everyone. He thought that perhaps the only solution was to drink until he stopped thinking, but he remembered he still had to answer Brienne.

Perhaps he would drink later, he thought before starting to write.

 

*

 

**March 31, 2002**

 

**Dear sweetie,**

**I accept your challenge. And I'll tell you right away that I did the task you gave me with amazing speed. I found the lost honor, in fact I found Honor. Although my honor in this case is represented by the battered, bruised and one-eyed cat that I received in my house. He's really ugly, but it keeps me company. I find it hard to believe that with a character like yours you are having problems for a little extra difficulty, even if I can imagine that it is not easy for a woman.**

**I take my sister as an example,  to become a member of the law firm in which she works she has had to make four times the fatigue of her fellow men, and even now she has to fight with her teeth to keep it.**

**Luckily she is a bitch, so it comes naturally enough. Maybe this has nothing to do with you, and I wrote it just to say my sister is a bitch (she really is). Although I seem to be unable to stop loving her even when she treats me like a dog.**

**But why am I talking about this? I think I deserve a reward for the effort I made, I would like to know something about you.**

**Have you always wanted to be a soldier? How did you end up so far from home? Meanwhile I will try to find other useful tasks to be able to respond with the maximum speed granted to a one-handed man.**

 

**See you soon,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

 

**Ps: I would like a sincere opinion on the cat, he seems friendly enough to keep it or should I fear for my safety?**

 

Brienne stared for a moment at the picture of what was probably the ugliest cat she'd ever seen in her life. He had a bored expression, staring at the lens as if to ask the master if he had nothing better to do. She imagined Jaime, or at least his shady contours, trying to take a picture of the cat posing with only his left hand, and  smiled at the thought of his efforts. She took the picture of the cat and hung it on the cabinet, writing under it

"Jaime Lannister’s Honor".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with another chapter! For now I'm trying to post two chapters per week, on monday and friday. The first chapters are a little short, but at some point they start to be a little longer so I'll eventually switch to one update per week, we'll see. This is a chapter I personally really like, I hope you like it too! As usual let me know what you think, here or on tumblr (you can find me at @minervamason) and thank you so much for all the nice comments!
> 
> (Also, bonus if you catch the easter egg from the books!)


	4. Recovery

_ April 15 2002 _ __  
__  


_ To Mr. Jaime Lannister, _ __  
__  


_I must say that my eyes have rarely crossed more ferocious beasts that your cat, and I spent the last year in a land that has plenty of them. But I trust your skills as a trainer, once tamed Honor would be an excellent guard cat, I'm sure. And I am also doubly sure that such an animal would never tag along someone he doesn’t like, so you should rejoice, you managed to be appreciated by someone despite your sarcasm and your hatred. Even if the fact that the cat can not understand your talking might have helped a little._ __  
_But back to your question, which I now feel obliged to answer: yes, I always wanted to be a soldier. My father was a soldier, we are a family of military tradition and as a child I have always lived in military bases scattered across the continent. When I turned eighteen and I told my father that I wanted to enlist, he initially opposed; he had seen the effects on these families of continuous movements, the constant uncertainty of the situation, and he wanted something better for me. But when he understood how much I loved this job he resigned  and started to teach me the "tricks of the trade" himself; I will never be grateful enough for this._ __  
_I get from your words that you aren’t a great admirer of your sister, but you think that at least you have one. I am an only child and I have always wondered what it would be like to grow up with someone close by, to be able to count on a fraternal figure. Perhaps I can kind of feel it now, the bond with my regimental comrades might be the closest thing I've ever experienced to that._ __  
_Let me be the one to finish this letter with a question this time, what did you do before losing a hand?_ __  
_I await an answer, with a new and surprising "good action" on your part,_ __  
_  
___

_   Brienne Tarth _

 

 

Jaime finished rereading the letter, this time trying to dwell on the curves of the writing, where it had become more uncertain, more shaky, trying to imagine what situation Brienne could find herself while writing it. He had noticed to his astonishment the growth of his interest in the events overseas. And if before the thing didn't touch him in the least, buried as he was in self-pity, now he found himself staring with increasing anguish the news that showed war scenes, destruction. He shook off the thought, shaking his head, getting up to take the picture he'd taken a couple of weeks ago, ready to be shown as his new personal effort.

  
  


There was Honor again, but this time he was not alone. Next to him there were two blond children, both smiling as only the children manage to be. Tommen and Myrcella had loved the cat, spending the whole afternoon bothering him with games and cuddles. Jaime had seen Honor stoically bear the attention of the children, especially Tommen, who in the picture held him tight to his chest, and Jaime had rewarded him with a tuna box that night. He knew that the little ones would appreciate, but he did not expect such a success; perhaps it was the case to advised Cersei to take an animal, despite her primal hatred of everything that could make the house dirtier, Jaime knew she would do anything to make her children happy. It was probably one of the few positive things about his sister.

 

 

He was about to write an answer when the bell rang and Jaime, confused, went to open. "Jaime move! I'm taking a shower!" recognizing his brother's voice he hastened to open the door, letting in a sodden Tyrion. As he was busy reading the letter, he had not noticed that it was raining heavily outside. "Tyrion, to what I owe the pleasure?" 

"Am I no longer allowed to come and see my big brother when I want?" They both had a smile on their faces, and Jaime leaned over to pat her brother's back. 

"Do you want a beer?" "You have not already drained them all? Tyrion's tone was joking, but Jaime could sense a worried note in his voice; he actually had some problems with alcohol immediately after the incident (and even before maybe) but now it was better, much better. He handed his brother a can of beer and tried not to be too clumsy to open his, it was damn hard with one hand.

  
  
  


Tyrion did not help him, he knew how much the pity of the others bothered him, and he started walking in the living room. When he turned around, Jaime saw him with the letter in his hand, and felt the urge to tear it away; it was his, his letter, he did not want others to read it. But the most rational part of him got the upper hand, and when Tyrion looked up, he smiled at him. "I gather you followed my advice." 

 

 

"Yes, sometimes your advice is valid ..." "Sometimes? Ungrateful." He let go of the letter, falling heavily on the sofa "But I have to say that you seem to be doing better, you're less pale, more fit ... Are you going jogging?" Jaime was surprised by his brother's acumen, in fact, for a couple of weeks now, he had resumed some training, only light things he could do with his only hand. "Yes ... it helps me calm my nerves." 

"And also this Brienne apparently ..." it was strange to hear her name, he had never said it, but as soon as his brother had pronounced it she became more real.

 

 

"Let's say I don’t meet people every day who can answer me in kind." Tyrion burst out laughing "We found the perfect woman then!" Jaime felt his cheeks turn red, and he made himself a fool, feeling like a child caught in doing something forbidden. "Don’t even say it, you know that I ... I gave up on that." 

The tone came out sharper than expected, while raising the stump to his brother "Oh Jaime, if someone married a dwarf like me, your hand will not be a problem!" "In your case it is not the height the problem, little brother. With your temper Tysha is a holy woman to bear you." Tyrion burst out laughing, but he realized that it was time to change the subject.

 

 

They talked again for a while, then Tyrion decided it was time to go home "You know how pregnant women are, anything is enough to make them irritate, it’s better if I go. Which is just an excuse not to tell you how much I like to sit near her before she fall asleep and talk to the baby. " A big smile lit up his face, and Jaime felt really happy for him. He started to close the door behind him, but turned once more "I'm glad you're recovering Jaime."

 

 

Again alone at home, Jaime felt his heart warming at his brother's words; neither of them were dragons with feelings, yet he could understand how much Tyrion loved him. Perhaps the only positive side of his disability had been to bring him closer to his younger brother. He went back to the living room, ready to answer Brienne.

 

 

**April 28 2002**

  
  


**My dear sweetie,**

 

**You will be surprised to know that I have taken considerable steps forward with my useful actions. What I present today dates back two weeks ago.**

**I lovingly looked after my nephews, Tommen and Myrcella, while their mother was at work. They are good children, Myrcella is a little woman, calm and measured, terribly intelligent. I'm sure she will have a brilliant career, whatever she decides to do. For the moment she is a fan of history, especially the medieval period, and when we play "at the court of the King, uncle Jaime!" I always call her a princess (in turn, I am a knight or a jester, whatever is pleasing to her majesty). Tommen is a very sweet child, he loves animals and immediately got in touch with Honor, who behaved very well, I'm very proud of him. I also have another nephew, Joffrey, but it is definitely different from his brothers. To define him I think the most suitable word is "little shit", but I hope it's just a phase.**

**If you feel so desperate to live a fraternal experience, I’ll gladly give up my twin sister but I'm sure it would not be a constructive experience. It's not that bad, but she's always liked to be the center of everyone's attention, and she knows how to be very touchy if she does not get what she wants.**

**My younger brother is another matter. He suffers from dwarfism, so it has never been easy for him, and only now I realize what he must have been through. Let's say I took care of him when it was time, and now he takes care of me. It was him who convinced me to write you, so if now I’m bothering you, it's all his fault.**

**To answer your question, if I have to be honest, I still do not talk about it with serenity; maybe I will never do it. I was a baseball player, and also quite good if I have to be honest, if you have any friends keen on my sport, try to ask him if he knows me. Not to be vain, but I was quite popular. I still am perhaps, but for other reasons.**

**Speaking of other things, how does life go on there? What's your typical day? See you next time,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

 

**PS: you don’t know how lucky you were to have a considerate father, who supported you in your choices, even if not immediately. My father is a downer.**

 

 

*****

 

 

"Tarth, mail!" Brienne jumped up from the cot, her heart had suddenly accelerated its run. Since when the arrival of the post had become the highlight of her day? She knew how long it took the letters to arrive, and when the days were right every evening she looked forward to that moment, convincing herself of not to be disappointed when there was nothing for her. It is only curiosity, she said to herself, after all Mr. Jaime Lannister was the only mirror of the reality she had. 

 

 

And it was nice not to always have to think about everything around her, even for a few moments when she read his letter. She opened it immediately, reading it quickly, smiling to herself, looking at the picture for a long time. They were really two beautiful children, with blond and curly hair framing cherubim faces. The boy must have been  ten years old, while the girl looked a little older, but Brienne thought they were equally adorable. 

 

 

Behind the photo she found again the Jaime’s calligraphy  "Tommen and Myrcella, 6 April 2002". She could imagine Jaime, a faceless name, a mysterious and complicated man, introverted and sullen, playing serenely with his nephews and Honor, who seemed to be a very patient cat from the picture.The image in her mind was so intimate that it warmed her heart, and she lingered a little longer in that illusion, before beginning to write the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Just a quick note to let you know I've made a useless aesthetic for the story, you can find it on tumblr on my page (http://minervamason.tumblr.com/post/179356726865/jaime-is-a-former-athlete-that-after-losing-his) if you want to get a look! Also, I always loved Tysha's character in the books (or well, the idea Tyrion have of her) and I really wanted to write her with Tyrion (also I don't really like Shae ^^). So let me know if you liked this chapter, and see you next time!


	5. Disappointment

Brienne was halfway through the letter when she realized she was no longer alone. She looked up and met Loras's golden eyes, that looked at her with a hint of malice and curiosity. "When will you begin to draw little hearts on the edge of the letter, Tarth?" Brienne could not help blushing, things that did not go unnoticed by Loras."Ohhh I saw it right then, who is it, your pet from home?" The boy cleverly managed to avoid the boot that Brienne threw at him, getting closer and sitting next to her, with the woman's utmost displeasure. "And this picture? Tarth, you had to tell me you had kids!" "They're not my children, Tyrell, you really don’t have anything better to do? I don’t know, rearrange the mess you have in place of the cot, or make a mine explode on your head." Loras erupted in exaggerated laughter, posing the photo of Jaime's nephews that he had picked up to look at it better "You're sweet and kind as a crocodile Tarth... But since you insist I'll leave you alone to write your little love letters.”

 

 

Loras started to leave, but at that moment Brienne remembered something. "Loras, wait, you like baseball, don’t you?" Loras looked at her with a surprised expression, but for once he did not comment "I'm not a huge fan, but I know something." Brienne took a deep breath, trying to get ready to say aloud that name that had become a constant in her life for a few months to that part "Have you ever heard of Jaime Lannister?" Loras's eyes widened slightly to that name, and a smile a little mocking came to his face "It surprises me that you've never heard of him. He was one of the best batsmen of recent years, he played for the Giants in San Francisco. Someone called him unbeatable even if he started to be of a certain age. He was at the height of his career, desired by all teams when the accident happened." 

 

 

"Accident?" Brienne pretended not to know anything, trying not to leak too many emotions from her face; then it was true, he existed somewhere, at home. "It was really a bad accident ... A truck swerved on the highway, Jaime drove behind and could not avoid it, his car crumpled up on him, trenching his hand clean and leaving him paralyzed in bed for many months. They spoke about it for days because in the same incident a child became paraplegic, and since then his career was over. I heard that he has now become an alcoholic or something like that. A pity indeed, he could have become a legend.”

 

 

Brienne remained silent, staring at the tips of her shoes; now everything made sense. She had understood that the accident had been a blow to him, but she had not expected such a thing. She took leave of Loras before he could begin questioning her on that singular question, returning to her cot. She took the started letter  in her hand and crumpled it, finding it terribly inadequate for such a thing, but what could be? She wrote for most of the afternoon, heaping a pile of torn sheets beside her, unable to find an adequate way to deal with such a delicate subject. Finally she took a deep breath and decided to be as honest as possible.

 

 

_ May 12, 2002 _

 

_ Jaime, _

 

_ I wanted to thank you for the sincerity with which you told me about your accident. I did not realize how much what happened to you had hit you, and I can only imagine what you must have felt after the accident ... Sure this does not justify your rudeness, but I think I can understand, so I have endeavored to write you this letter by being a little more informal, completely breaking all my good intentions of cordial courtesy.  _

_ Loras, my comrade, told me about the incident and your career, and from what he said you had to be really good, he never wasted compliments. I thought about giving you a speech on how work can not be the only reason for living or the only thing that makes us happy, but then I wondered what I would do in your place, unable to continue my service in the army... Honestly, I don’t know. I've always been like that, for all my life I've never wanted to be anything else, I'm not able to do anything else.  _

_ So I have no good advice to dispense, wise words of comfort, if not that from what I got to know about you, you do not seem like a "finished" person. You have your family, and do not believe it's not important; as much as your sister can be a bitch and your father a burden, they are there. Think about someone who, like me, is completely alone, if anything happens to me I would have nothing to return to. I reserve the right to answer your questions in the next letter, just for the sake of seeing another of your good actions.  _

_ Thanks again, _

 

_ Brienne Tarth _

 

 

**May 24, 2002**

 

**Brienne,**

 

**I was so stunned by this lack of formality that it took me days to read the letter without upsetting me too much. Obviously I was very pleased, all that formality reminded me too much the pompous journalistic interviews of the golden days. I must admit that I'm not used to talk about my accident, if I can I always avoid it, but given the nature of our epistolary relationship I’ve thought that after all it would not be bad to talk about it ... I'm glad to know that you get it, that you understand at least partially my situation. I am surrounded by people who try in vain to cheer me up by saying "life does not end here" "it goes on", but they are still normal, right? They have not struggled for their whole life to remain with ash in their hands. I don’t speak easily of what happened to me, but I don’t regret telling you. And now my dear sweetie (it’s my moral duty to call you so at least once by letter) we come to my good deed of the day: I put the garden in order. My brother came to help me and we cut the grass and even planted some flowers; you had to see us, the dwarf and the handless man doing gardening, I laughed a lot. In today's picture you will notice how Honor appreciate this change of scenery, sleeping in a patch of sun in a finally ordered garden (all that cat do is sleeping). I hope it is enough to finally have an answer to this question! I hope to hear from you soon,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

 

_ June 06, 2002 _

 

_ Jaime, _

 

_ I'm trying to find a nickname for you because the formality seems to have vanished into thin air; Loras told me that they called you "the Young Lion" when you were still playing, but it does not convince me much, what do you say? Should I call you a green thumb given the latest successes? Or is it excessively ironic? However your garden is very beautiful, I hope you will take care of it, since you are lucky enough to have it. Here I feel terribly the lack of green, of nature; we are surrounded by seas of sand, bare rock and reflections of the sun that do not give peace to the eyes, I would give anything to be able to lie down in a meadow, or just to not feel sand everywhere. Do you want to know how I spend my days? Nothing special in reality, every other day we do the various workouts to keep us active, polygon, race, simulations of attack and many other things that might seem interesting, but for someone who is used by now is almost routine. The other days we patrol the area, we go to get supplies, we check suspicious sites. Until now there was only one serious attack, one night when we were camping near a seemingly innocuous town. We did not realize they were attacking until they were on us, and I have to admit that it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I might be a trained soldier, but when you see a man with a cleaver running towards you, screaming at you, every training fails ... Renly, my captain, has arrived just in time to save me. That night I killed a man for the first time. I don’t remember his face or his voice, I only remember that in that moment it was either me or him. I did not think of anything else. The panic came later, when I began to wonder who the man was, if he had a wife, or childrens who were suffering from his absence. That man no longer existed, and it was my fault or at least, for a while I thought so, before I realized that I could not go on like this... it might happen again, I'm almost sure of that, and now I'm ready. But enough talking about me ... what about your father? Is he really as terrible as you say? Talk to you soon, _

 

_ Brienne Tarth _

 

 

**June 20, 2002**

 

**Dear sweetie,**

 

**I always liked that nickname, actually I really felt as strong as a lion when I played, and the screaming crowd shouted my name. I was inebriated by fame, and my family was proud of my celebrity ... My sister used my name to get anywhere, even to win the good graces of what is now her husband, Robert Baratheon, a big name in the iron industry. My sister and I have always been indivisible, but at that time our relationship was idyllic to the limit of the possible ... only after the accident I understood how opportunistic her affection was, as well as that of my father. He was always so proud of me, of his strong, handsome and famous son... he talked about me all the time, with everyone, he followed every game live, he was so happy with my success. After the accident he came to see me once, to make sure I was really finished, and the disappointment I read on his face was almost more painful than the wound itself. We had little contact, but he hasn't even called me since I started drinking, I think he just pretends not to have a child anymore.**

**The only one who stayed really close to me was Tyrion, despite the way I treated him when I was successful. We were very close as a child, but then I... I was ashamed of him. It's hard to admit, but I did not like being seen with him in public. I was really an idiot. He really helped me to recover, he and my nephews. Tommen and Myrcella really love me, and I love them. Look at me, you can make me be sentimental, incredible. I hope you will not take what I'm about to write ironically, because it's one of the few times I'm not, I think you're really brave. Following your example, even if minimally, I went to enroll myself in the gym (in the picture you can see the subscription), it's really time to get back in shape, as I get embarrassed to see myself in this condition. Returning to you, I'm really happy for you if you managed to overcome that difficult moment... I know how heavy depression can be, I would not wish it to anybody, not even a cynical like you, my dear sweetie. What about your literary, musical, artistic tastes? Even if it does not seem, I am great admirer of beauty (in fact it is useless to say that I appreciate myself very much). See you next time,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again with another chapter! A lot of letters in this one, I like to change the rhythm sometimes! In this chapter we finally have Brienne calling Jaime with his name and not Mr... and in italian there was the passage from the "lei" to the "tu" more informal that we've talked about the other time. Side note: when I initially wrote it, it took me a really long time to update chapters, like months (I was terrible with my italian readers) so there are some inconsistencies. For example: Cersei is married to Robert Baratheon, but in this case Robert and Renly aren't brothers, they just misteriously have the same surname XD. I hope you'll forgive these little details. Thank you again for all the nice comments and the suggestions, I really enjoy reading them! I hope you liked this chapter, and as usal see you next time!


	6. Anxiety

Jaime breathed deeply out of the office door, searching inside himself for the courage to cross the threshold and face the monster hiding behind it. He reached for the knob, then suddenly withdrew his hand, almost as if it was white-hot. He turned and began to go back, determined to go home and forget about the whole thing, but in his mind Brienne’s words started to come back, her courage in dealing with every situation ... if she had done it, he could make it too. He retraced his steps and this time he opened the door, forgetting to knock. 

 

 

His father just looked up from the papers in front of him "I see time has not improved your manners." Jaime swallowed the answer he had on his lips and walked on the carpet of his father's office, approaching the desk "Dad, I came to talk to you." The man arched his eyebrow slightly "Years of silence and then you come directly to me ... It must be important, what is it, the money is not enough for you anymore?" Jaime felt his pride roaring over his father's affirmation, though he admitted that it was his father's monthly allowances more than his disability pension that kept him alive and well in the last few years. "I came to talk to you about this. I don’t want your money anymore. "

 

 

Tywin Lannister gave him his full attention then, dropping the pen he held in his hand 

"And tell me ... who will pay all the alcohol that you drain every day?" 

"I found a job, and I'm trying to stop drinking..." 

 

His father burst into an ironic laugh that brought Jaime's wrath to levels he could not remember never having felt "You, a job? And what could you do? You've always nothing but lazy for anything that does not concern baseball "

" Actually, it’s still baseball. Some time ago I was contacted to coach the high school team in my area. I decided to accept." 

 

 

Tywin's face frowned even more "How can you always find new ways to embarrass me? Being a coach, but do you realize? In your conditions? Jaime, it's not too late to follow my advice, sign up for jurisprudence , with my contacts I will make you take the degree in a moment and then you can take my place in the study. " "How many times do I have to tell you that I do not care about your study? I hate this job, I do not even want to hear the mention of it." 

 

 

Jaime was beginning to remember why he had not talked with his father for years, he couldn’t bear his condescension as much as he hated to see the disappointment in his eyes.

 

"Cersei is a successful lawyer, you can appoint her to be your successor, I'm sure she will be thrilled." Tywin stifled a laugh "Your sister is a capable lawyer, but she is still a woman ... If she had stayed at her place at home by her children, perhaps her marriage would not be such a disaster." 

"But do you hear yourself when you speak dad? We don’t live in the middle ages anymore!" "No, indeed, if we lived in that age you would have been dead for a while." Even Tywin's tone had become sharper and Jaime knew immediately that he was getting angry. 

 

 

He thought of a shrewd answer to give to his father, but he was terribly tired of those useless bickering "It's useless to discuss it, I came to tell you that I don’t want your money any more, and if you had a bit of paternal love you would try to be at least happy for me. " 

"You'll come back here crawling Jaime, you're not able to keep a normal job any more than you can stop sticking to the bottle." Jaime had almost reached the door, but at those words he turned and went back to his father's desk, trying to get something out of his bag. He paused for a moment to see his father's frightened expression, and his relief when he saw that in his bag he did not keep a weapon but a simple camera. Jaime took a picture without even looking at the lens, and Tywin blinked, confused "Goodbye, father."

 

 

Walking home he could not help but feel relieved. He had succeeded, he had told Tywin what he thought without falling into one of his absurd traps; and he had obtained the photo he needed. The thought of the photo for Brienne rekindled in him the burning flame of worry; her letter was late. Not that they were always regular, but there had never been a delay like that, by now it had been six weeks since he had written it ... and if something had happened to her? 

 

 

He tried to control anxiety while looking at reports on the military on mission, wondering from time to time since when the cadet Brienne Tarth had become so important to him. He felt embarrassed by that, so much in fact  he could not talk to anyone about it, not even with Tyrion. He almost got home when he saw something that made his heart beat faster than usual: the postman's van. Feeling completely ridiculous and childish, he started running towards the house, unable to stop. He arrived breathlessly to the letterbox, while the postwoman looked at him as if he was crazy; Jaime did not feel like blaming her. "Mr. Jaime Lannister?" he nodded, breath still too short to speak "This is for you" the postwoman, a plump woman in her fifties, looked in amazement at the smile that was painted on his face.

 

"It's her calligraphy!" Jaime hugged the postwoman with transport "Thank you" and then rushed home, leaving the postwoman with a stunning expression in front of the house. Honor mewed loudly as he entered, stretching from the sunspot in which he laid. Jaime greeted him with a quick caress before sitting down on the couch and opening the letter.

  
  


_ July 18, 2002 _

 

_ Jaime, _

 

_ Sorry for the delay with which I write this letter, I had a couple of chaotics weeks. Our department has been transferred, we are now much closer to the conflict zones. This is both good as it limits the dangerous movements in the desert, but also bad, obviously the clashes are very intensified. I’ve been carrying your letter with me for days, hoping to have a few minutes to write and in the end I decided to do it now, even if it's almost two o'clock in the morning; I hope you are fine.  _

 

_ I really liked your last letter, the fact that you admit that you were an idiot is a certain comfort to me, some people never learn from their mistakes. I'm sure your brother has forgiven you for the way you treated him ... I don’t feel like justifying the rest of your family,  even if I don’t know the whole story personally. But I would like to ask you a question, and you cannot answer if you don’t want to or if it’s too intrusive ... You never talk about your mother, why? _

 

_ My mother died when I was still very young, and I have no memories of her, except some pictures that my father showed me with a lot of pain in his eyes. I have always wondered if I would be a different person now if my mother had been with me in my childhood ... More feminine, perhaps? With a career suitable for a woman? They are the great questions of my life to whom I will never have an answer. _

 

_ Returning to your questions, unfortunately I do not have much time to devote to artistic pastimes, but I also have preferences. I have a bit of a musical taste, I'm crazy about Irish folk and Nordic ballads (could it be for my vikings ancestors?) I read crime and historical novels and I'm crazy about Renaissance art. And you? Can I guess? Pop music, thrillers and modern art? I have this impression of you being always as far from me as possible, even for this kind of things. How is Honor? I hope to be able to answer you faster the next time. _

_ Talk to you soon,  _

 

_ Brienne Tarth _

  
  
  


**August 05, 2002**

 

**Dear Brienne,**

 

**You don’t know what relief to receive your letter, I was really anxious**

  
  


No, pathetic. Jaime crumpled the sheet he had started and threw it to the ground, where the paper ball was immediately assaulted by Honor, who began to play with small verses of approval.

  
  


**August 05, 2002**

 

**Dear Brienne,**

 

**Who could I call to hear from you if it happened again?**

 

 

"Damn it!" Jaime got up from the sofa, ripping that piece of paper too. He could not write that letter without sounding pathetic and anxious. Brienne certainly did not want someone to constantly remind her of what a dangerous situation she was in. He went to the fridge with all the intention of having a beer but, remembering the dialogue with his father just before, he opted for a glass of water. 

 

 

Since when did he become so thoughtful? And for a person he had never seen, whose voice he had never heard ... The truth was that Brienne's letters had become the peak of his days. He counted the days that were missing for a new letter, he worried about the delays, reread the old letters of the girl (girl? he didn’t even know how old she was), and got into the habit of making two copies of the letters he sent, to lose the thread of the conversation. 

 

 

Would they ever see each other? It was such an uncertain situation that Jaime felt physically exhausted by the distance between them. He looked again at the paper and pen on the table, unsure on what to do; he wanted to write them, but at the same time he was afraid to reveal himself too much between the lines of his thick calligraphy. In the end he decided to be simply sincere.

 

**August 05, 2002**

 

**Dear Sweetie,**

 

**I'm glad you're okay, to be honest I was a little worried. I know that what you do there is important, but will they let you go home sooner or later, even if only for a little? I can’t dare imagine how oppressive it must be to live constantly under the viewfinder, it does not have to be easy, but I'm sure if someone can do it then it's you.**

 

**I’m sorry to tell you that this time you have completely missed the target, pop music does not fall between my tastes. I like classic rock, I'm an admirer of contemporary novels (yes, even thrillers, for that you've caught me) and I cannot stand modern art, I would call myself a more neoclassical type. It occurred to me that in all our paper exchange it I’ve never thought to ask how old you are ... but I know it's not something to ask a lady, and since I'm trying to learn good manners, I will turn around the obstacle telling you my age; few words to the wise.**

**I will be 33 years old on November 29th, and strangely I feel much older.**

**I was impatient to receive your letter to amaze you with two good deeds: I found a job, I will become a coach of the Lions, the local high school baseball team. As much as it makes me anxious (I haven’t entered the field since my accident) baseball has always been the only thing I'm good at. The second is evidenced by the photo, the grim and stern looking man you see is my father, Tywin Lannister, and today I went to talk to him for the first time in years. It did not go very well, but it's a start, and I'm very happy to have done it.**

 

**You asked me about my mother, you're right, I never mentioned her, and I don’t really talk about it. Unfortunately, as for yours, my mother also died very young; I was eight years old. There was a complication in the delivery of my brother, and she didn’t survive it. She was a very sweet and kind woman, I remember she loved being with me and my sister for hours even though my father insisted on hiring a nanny.**

 

**Sometimes I miss her presence, the way she was able to reassure me in any situation, to make me smile. I think my sister unconsciously gives Tyrion the guilt of her death, maybe that's why they never managed to get along; I personally regret that he, like you, has no memory of her. I'm sure our mother would have loved him much better than my father did. Before I forget, Honor is fine, even if he’s visibly fattening, I should put him on a diet. I assure you that he sends you his best regards.**

**See you next time, and don’t worry about the delays, I'll wait.**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! As usual, thank you all very much for the nice comments! This is a chapter I really like, I think it represents a pivotal moment for Jaime and his personal growth; Jaime is my favourite character of the saga and I really love his character development so I hope that, in my small way, I have done a good job in this story. I hope you like the chapter, as usual let me know what you think!


	7. Wait

**(...)**

**See you next time, and don’t worry about the delays, I'll wait.**

**Jaime Lannister**

  
  


I'll wait. These words, so concise and subtle, written by the uncertain hand of a man she had never seen and who lived on the other side of the world, managed to move her in a way that Brienne didn’t believe possible.

 

 

There had never been anyone waiting for her at home. No one she could tell her days to, no one to return to, once all this was over.  And now, he was waiting for her. He had worried about her, cared for her, opened his heart to her. The most rational part of her told her that she had to slow down, stay calm, that a man she had never seen could have perfectly faked any emotion written in those letters, yet ... and yet the most hidden part of her, the one that she had never really shown anyone because she was afraid of appearing weak, shuddered at the thought of the man who was hiding behind that graceless calligraphy.

  
  


She knew that soon they would have to leave, but she did not want to risk spending too much time between one letter and another. She put the thin paper on the traveling backpack ready on the bed and began to write her answer.

 

 

_ August 22, 2002 _

 

_ Jaime, _

 

_ You don’t know how happy I am to hear about your new job! I would pay gold to see you handle teenagers, gruff as you are! But I'm sure you'll get along great. I don’t even know how long they'll leave us here. Unfortunately, the waters are very rough this time, and nobody seems to know when and if we could have a period of leave to go home.  _

_ As you say, it's rather heavy to stay here continuously, without ever really letting down your guard, but I'm also pretty lucky. In fact I admire a lot more my friends, who can stay here to do their duty despite having a family, maybe even small children waiting for them. Even if I came home, I would probably pass my license in the barracks, so I'm not the one to be praised.  _

_ On the contrary, you are to be praised ... your father is scary even in pictures, I dare not imagine actually facing him! I don’t know what happened between you two, but you have to be proud of yourself, not everyone can face a problem instead of running away, and you did it! _

_ To answer your question (because that is what it is) I’ll be 28 years old the next 21 February. I remember that when my grandmother was very young, she used to tell me about the zodiac signs, the constellations and the ascendants; she was a funny woman, but I enjoyed being with her. I hear her words hovering in the air right now "Pisces and Sagittarius are strong signs, they will end up cutting each other's throats if you leave them in the same room." She always gave these very astral advices, although this time she seems to have been right, if we had met each other after our first letters... _

_ However, seeing my young and shining age, I have every right to call you old man, and know that I will not let go any opportunity to remind you of that! _

_ I'm very sorry for your brother, but as you mention he seems to have grown well despite everything, and I'm sure your mother would be proud of you two. I'm about to leave for a very important mission, and when I get back it is likely that I will find your letter waiting for me and I must say that I don’t mind the idea, even if I find your passion for thrillers slightly questionable. _

_ Talk to you soon, _

_ Brienne Tarth _

  
  


 

The truck movements almost made her sick, as it was jerking every time it hit one of the many holes in the ground. She thought she was used to certain emotions, but since their return to the "hot zone", a constant feeling of anxiety had pervaded her and the other men; there was something heavy in the air, they could hear it all. She tried to ignore Loras who, in front of her, mimicked her by sending kisses to the air since, before leaving, he had seen her hurriedly posting the letter she had just written. The truck stopped abruptly and all the men looked around in confusion; certainly they couldn’t be already arrived. Renly raised his hand, imposing silence and approached the driver "What's up?" Brienne did not miss the worried tone of the man. "The road is blocked by debris, sir, we cannot continue in these conditions."

  
  


 

Renly ran his hand over his face, unsure of what to do. "Well, let's go down and free the stre..." Renly's voice was interrupted by a huge roar that threw Brienne into the air, making her lose for a moment the conception of reality around her. She crashed into Loras as the van rolled over and for a moment she felt taken from the darkness. She opened her eyes a few seconds later, or at least, so it seemed. Beside her, Loras was getting up, and, helping each other, they managed to get out of the van that was now useless. 

 

 

Brienne grabbed the shotgun as she searched desperately for Renly's eyes, the enemy bullets that left furrows at their feet. She reached the other men behind the wreckage, while in their eyes she could read the same terror that probably flashed in her: an ambush. 

 

 

The whistle of bullets echoed everywhere with the screams of men, but Brienne tried to remain calm and focused: she had been trained for those moments, she knew what to do. She turned quickly to her knees, pointing her rifle at the rocks in front of them, and thought with a hint of despair that it was a damn good place for an ambush.

 

 

Trying to cover as she could Loras, who was responding to the fire next to her, she realized that Renly had not yet reached his men. Brienne looked up at the remains of the truck and what she saw made  her heart jump in her throat: Renly was on the ground, hands on his right thigh, trying very unsuccessfully to stop the blood coming out of a wound. 

 

 

Brienne only briefly considered the captain's uncovered position, the very high probability of death in getting out of the safe zone they had created, and the fact that bringing Renly into safety was probably beyond her physical strength, before screaming  the men behind her "Cover me!"  She threw herself into the open field without hesitating as the time around her seemed to expand indefinitely; after what seemed to her whole minutes, but which must have been no more than thirty seconds, she reached the man on the ground. 

 

 

"Tarth, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Brienne did not answer as she looked carefully at the wound. The bullet must have stopped on the femur, but fortunately it did not seem to have taken any of the major blood vessels. Breathing a sigh of relief, even though she still felt the bullets flying in the air around her, she took Renly's arm, carrying it on her shoulders, taking on most of the weight of the man on her.

  
  
  


She began to walk toward the rest of the troops slowly, the adrenaline rushing through her body, barely aware of what was happening around her, the only thing she knew was that she had to reach the others, then everything would be fine. Drops of sweat ran down her face and down her back, covering her eyes without her being able to do anything about it, but she kept going. 

 

 

She moved forward even when she felt a twinge of sharp, excruciating pain cross her arm, and for a moment she thought she was going to fall. Her whole body roared with relief when she felt Renly's weight decrease over her and she turned to see Loras, who had taken the other captain's arm and helped her carry him to safety. She felt a spontaneous smile of relief climb to her lips, approaching the others while behind their shoulders the sounds of the shots continued to vibrate. 

 

 

Brienne felt weaker and weaker, but clung to the certainty that she could not give up, that she could not leave Loras and Renly alone, not at that moment. They were about ten feet away when Brienne heard an explosion behind her, and she felt tossing into the air before she could do anything to avoid that. She fell to the ground with an impact that completely removed the air from her lungs, she clenched her hands in the air trying to cling to Renly but she could not find him anywhere. 

 

 

She gasped, trying to catch her breath as the noise around her became more deafening than ever, and her body seemed to have completely abandoned her. Her last thought before passing out was that she would never be able to see Jaime Lannister's face.

 

*

 

**September 10, 2002**

 

**Dear sweetie,**

 

**I'm glad to know that you find enjoyable our little exchange of correspondence, know that the feeling is mutual despite the fact that you know how to be an annoying young girl when you really try (imagine me with a stick while I complain about your youthful irreverence). This week I did the first lesson with the high school boys and I must say that as a good action for this letter I chose (among the many that I perform every day, word of Honor) the fact that I havent killed any of my students yet. They are small brats with more hormones than brain cells, but some of them look promising. Unfortunately it’s my nephew high school (I have already talked about him, right? The elder, the little shit) who has obviously told all his companions of my disability and that I am consequently useless ... it will be hard to make them respect me, but they’ll see who is in charge of this team.**

 

**I realized by writing this letter that nine months have passed since the first time I wrote to you and I stopped to think about how much my life has changed since then... definitely changed for the better, and I think that a small, tiny part of this (to read with my usual sarcasm) success is also due to you Brienne... That’s the reason I wanted to ask you, even without knowing how and when, if by chance once licensed you would like to come and see me... I would be very happy to meet you in person, and there is no trace of irony in this sentence, I swear.**

**I hope to hear from you soon, be careful,**

 

**Jaime Lannister**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me <3 I'll see you on friday and as usual thank you for the support!


	8. Clashes

It took almost twenty, long seconds of absolute panic before Brienne could remember where she was, and when she realized it, she let out an involuntary sigh of relief. Her hands caressed the soft sheets that looked like silk compared to those she had in service while her eyes grew accustomed to the light coming in through the window. 

 

 

She stood up calmly, another thing she had lost habit of by now, stretching like a cat under the soft morning light. The soldiers screams and the noise of the helicopters had been replaced by the slow noise of the cars and the tinkering of the radio in the next room. She looked at her feet and what she saw made her smile in a carefree way as she did not remember having done for a long time: there were soft and warm pink slippers at the bed’s feets and she was pleasantly surprised to see that they fit perfectly.

 

 

She remembered waking up after the ambush in the military infirmary tenth, her arm on fire, her mind blurred and confused while she was searching for Renly and Loras in the crowd of doctors and soldiers around her.   She remembered the relief she had felt finding them right next to her, bruised but safe. It was with a huge smile that Loras had told her that they were going home, at least for a few weeks. So there she was now, crashing at Loras sister’s apartment in LA. In LA, that was so close to San Francisco, where there was…

 

 

"Good morning!" Loras gave her a big smile opening the door as usual without knocking. She followed him to the living room, seating down with him to have breakfast.  

"I see you found the slippers!"

"Thanks, they are very comfortable." Brienne saw Loras's sister come out of the kitchen and refrained from other sarcastic comments about her choosing slippers, knowing that it was probably the thoughtful girl who had bought them for her. 

 

 

Margaery Tyrell,  dressed for work, entered the room as she always did, almost like a queen. "Good morning," she smiled at Brienne and glanced an annoyed look at Loras, who kept his feet on the table with impunity.

"This house ..." "... is not a hotel" Loras finished chewing a toast "I still wonder why I host you... Not you Brienne” she added with a smile, looking at her "You are very welcome." 

"By the way, I have not yet had the opportunity to thank you for hosting me, I would not have known where to go otherwise." 

"Don’t even say it, I owe you for how you take care of Loras... He would have already been reduced to a colander if you were not there to watch his back." The boy made a grumpy grumble, but he did not deny.

"Anyway, I have to go to court Loras, try not to destroy anything while I'm gone." 

"Margy I’m no longer a child." 

"On this I have my doubts, and do not call me Margy." 

 

 

The woman rushed out slamming the door and Brienne shook her head with a sigh "You should stop teasing your sister, she's always so kind." 

"Someone has to remind her that she's not the queen of the world, ever since they promoted her as member of her law firm she thinks she’s a goddess ..." 

"Says the humblest man on earth!"

  
  


Loras jumped up and looked at her with eyes suddenly mischievous "Sorry, but why are we talking about me and my sister when a few miles from you there is Mister Fantastic waiting for you?" 

Brienne suddenly assumed a rosy hue, trying to avoid her friend's eyes. "We've already talked about it, I can't just show up at his door unexpectedly." 

"But did you at least write him that we came back?" 

"Well… no. But it’s not that I didn’t want to tell him, there was just no time for it." Brienne's suspicions that this was just an excuse she was telling herself to not deal with the situation were immediately confirmed by the thundering ironic laughter of Loras.

"The fearless Brienne of Tarth, survivor of a thousand battles, that trembles at the idea of knowing a man... It's a memorable moment." 

 

 

Brienne ran a hand through her short blond hair, "It's not that, you do not understand. It's so nice to be able to send those letters, to write what I feel, to read about a reality that is not the one we live in our everyday life. I'm not sure, I mean if... if he doesn’t actually like me? I don’t know if I am the same person who wrote those letters… what if he find me boring, or unpleasant and then stop writing? I really don’t want that." 

"Wow" Loras's smile had died on his face and now he looked at her seriously "You know, I think that by now he has realized what kind of person you are... He was the one that told you that he wants to see you, right? You scolded him again and again for his way of doing and yet he still wants to see you, it's not a small thing! "Loras cleverly dodged a biscuit that Brienne threw with irritation.

 

 

"I think he will also need to adapt to this new situation, but Brienne, if he makes you happy, and you make him happy, why not try?" Brienne stared at him for a long moment, undecided whether or not to reveal what she felt inside that moment. 

"When I fainted, after saving Renly... I thought I'd die. I closed my eyes, really thinking that I wasn’t going to see anything else, and my last thought was that... that I would never be able to see him." Loras arched an eyebrow, but it was his only reaction to revelation, while he kept listening in silence "And now that I have the opportunity to go, to see him for real... I know I have to do it, I want to do it, but I'm afraid. I'm not good at these things, with people... I'm afraid of ruining everything.”

 

 

Loras smiled at her and hold her hand affectionately, a gesture that neither of them would allowed themselves to do in their other reality  "But if you never try, you will never know. Don’t go back there with this regret, I ask you as a friend... I don’t think I could bear you like that."

Brienne smiled and felt more relieved: Loras was right, it was something she had to do, what would happen then was only up to her.

 

*

 

Brienne got out of the cab and looked around, admiring the tall colonial houses rising up the hills of the city. It did not take long to go from Los Angeles to San Francisco, but the journey had seemed eternal, as she was so anxious for what awaited her. Of course, it would have been better to warn Jaime of her arrival, but there was no time to send him a letter and she didn’t know his phone number so... there she was, in the middle of the wrong street because her taxi driver couldn’t find the right one in that mazy neighborhood and she had got tired of waiting still. She had his address, but there were too many streets and their delimitations weren't clear at all, and she wondered if she was going to have to ring at every doorstep to find him. 

 

 

She muttered a clenched curse; and now? She wandered for a while, looking for a divine sign in which she didn’t believe just to not stay still. She dropped onto a bench overlooking a small playground, pondering what to do. Maybe she should just let it go, go home and make up some story to Loras, like Jaime didn’t want to see her. Thinking about her friend reminded her of the promise she made before leaving, and she hurried to find a public telephone. She inserted the coins cursing her clumsiness that seemed to accompany her everywhere when she removed the uniform.

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Loras, it's me, I’m here, everything is alright." 

"Listen, I've got to tell you this..." Brienne sighed slightly but said nothing as Loras's tone grew on the other end of the machine. 

"You know Margaery is a lawyer, right? So I told her who you’re going to visit..." " Loras why can’t you just mind your own business?" 

"Shhh listen, it turns out that Margy knows Mister Fantastic's sister well." 

"What ?? The bitch twin? Oh my God now that I think about it he told me she worked in a law firm..." 

"Not just a law firm, the most famous in San Francisco, that belongs to her father. Margaery said they’re like sharks, they win at all costs and their motto is something like "We always pay our debts": she is considered the queen of the California’s lawyers and my sister literally said "I would sell a kidney to be like her… Honestly I think she would be able to do it.” "Loras, what's the point of this conversation?" 

"The point is that you are entering the lion's den! I thought you should be ready." "We face armed men every day, I think I can handle a snob lawyer." Brienne tried to use a convincing tone, but she wasn’t convinced at all. In what trouble was she putting herself?

 

 

Without paying much attention to Loras's muttering on the other end of the phone she followed the passers-by on the road in front of her, immersed in her doubts. At one point something caught her attention "Oh my God!" 

"..and so Renly told me that ... What? What's going on?"

"Sorry Loras I have to go!" Brienne hung up despite Loras' protests and left the cabin, crossing the road. 

"Honor, it’s really you!" The big red cat looked at her lazily, letting out a meow and she smiled. She stretched her hesitant hand and the one eyed cat sniffed it for a long moment before rubbing against her purring "I knew you were a nice cat." 

 

 

The cat, however, soon got tired of her attentions and moved away from her, swallowing and moving his tail sinuously. For a moment Brienne thought of following him, but she did not need to become the madwoman who was chasing a cat; she already had enough problems. But if he was there, then she had to be close to Jaime! 

 

 

Where to start? Was she ready to go door to door for all the houses on the street to find him? Wouldn't it seem a little... desperate? She wasn’t able to do these things, she had never been. She saw a little cafe at the corner of the street and with a sigh decided that it was time for a coffee, at least she could rest for a moment and decide what to do next.

 

 

She reached out to open the door, but ran into someone who was leaving at that moment. The man lost his grip on the coffees he was holding and they spilled on both of them. "Damn!" he exclaimed angrily "Be more careful next time!" 

Brienne looked at him, feeling terribly upset "I have to be more careful??? But you came out without looking!" 

"Nothing would have happened if you hadn’t got in the way." 

"Look, I really do not have time to waste with someone as rude as you, if..." Then she saw it. How many grumpy and rude men without a right hand there could be in that neighborhood?

 

*

 

Jaime stared at the television without really looking at it for almost half an hour. It was his day off, his nephews were at school, the meeting with Tyrion was still far away and even the cat had decided to leave him alone that morning. 

 

 

As he often did when he had nothing to do, he suddenly felt like having a drink. He no longer had any alcohol in the house, not since he had started going to the meetings of alcoholics anonymous and had decided to clean himself up for real. 

 

 

He tried to distract himself, to think clearly about ten good reasons not to drink, but at that moment he could only think of a good reason to do it: the fact that Brienne had not yet answered him. Sure, she had told him that it would be a difficult and uncertain period and he had accepted it without problems, but he always had inside that little knot of worry that led him to think about the worst. What if something had happened to her? Or what if she had not liked the way he had stepped forward in his last letter? Perhaps she didn’t answer because she didn’t know how to decline his invitation without seeming rude. He had written her how he felt, but maybe he had not thought about it enough, it was too early and he had frightened her.

 

 

He thought for the umpteenth time that he was an idiot as he got up from the sofa, too restless to pretend that everything was going well. He took his jacket and walked to the corner bar, determined to take at least a couple of coffees to resist the temptations before Tyrion's arrival. 

 

 

He smiled thinking of what people used to say, that a man with a dependence could never get rid of it altogether, so he had gone from beer to coffee without batting an eyelid and especially without feeling guilty. He entered the small cozy space and ordered two black coffee to the nice blonde girl at the desk, the only one that by now almost did not pay attention to his missing hand. 

 

 

Many times his doctor had proposed a replacement prosthesis, but he didn’t feel like it. How could a cold, inanimate object take the place of his hand? He felt far more at ease with the stump, although this made him the object of glances and whispers. 

 

 

Once again he thought about how strange the fate had been, replacing the looks of admiration that once accompanied him everywhere to those of pity and disgust that now everyone threw him secretly. He paid for the coffee, experiencing that strange sense of independence that he often came across lately when he paid with his own salary rather than his father's money.

 

 

He opened the door and slammed into a tall blond woman, losing his grip on the coffee container that spread into his shirt and the shirt of the other. The nervous irritation that had accumulated in those days came back to the surface as he turned and looked at the blonde in mockery "Damn! Be more careful next time!" 

In the slightly upset look of the woman he was able to read the reality of facts, that probably the fault was also his if they had clashed "I have to be more careful??? But you came out without looking!” 

The angry tone of the woman made him smile internally, she was not the type to let it go, his favorite kind of person to bother "Nothing would have happened if you hadn’t got in the way." He said to her, hoping to continue the discussion for a while; everything to distract himself.

She added something more, but he had already seen something change in her eyes and intercepted her gaze to the stump. Here we are, he thought, an endless succession of excuses and futile concerns about his health was coming, things that people usually poured on him when they realized they had screamed at a cripple. 

 

 

Instead, he was surprised when her face lit up with a smile, making her much more beautiful than he had observed at first glance "Jaime!" 

 

 

To say that the thing amazed him was a euphemism; how did she know him? He searched in his mind for a memory that he could associate with the woman, but he couldn’t think of anything. 

Before he could ask her anything, the girl exclaimed "Young Lion, I found you! I never thought you were going to be blond."

Jaime was more and more confused until something lit up in his head and a wide range of emotions crossed his mind; was she... was she really her? 

 

 

"Brienne?" He asked almost in a whisper. The woman nodded and he felt his knees tremble a little. It was her, she was real, she came here for him. The only awareness of this left him breathless for a moment while the woman looked at him waiting for a reaction. 

Jaime felt like the most idiotic man in the world when the only thing he managed to blather was "You're... you're tall."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! A little announcement: I have a super huge terrible exam coming up next week and immediately after that I'm going to move to Paris to start my new job (yayyyy) so I won't be able to update for a little while. I'll do my best to be back the 23 or the week after! I'm sorry to leave you hanging like this but it was already hard to update today (but I couldn't leave you with that end!). I hope you like this chapter, as usual let me know what you think!


	9. Proposal

**"You're ... you're tall."**

  
  


"Well, I suppose so." Brienne felt herself blushing slightly beneath Jaime's eyes, that were full of curiosity, but she tried to hide the embarrassment behind a sincere smile. "We finally met each other." Jaime seemed to wake up from his sleep pulling his right hand up to shake hers, but stopped the movement in midair laughing. 

 

"Strength of habit, you have to excuse me, it's been a while since I've introduced myself to anyone." "Weird" Brienne said, looking at him amused "you seemed like such a social person." "Ahhhh, you start immediately with irony, sweetie?" 

 

"No, don’t even try it, I can bear it in the letters, but in person..." Brienne tried to sound convincing, but the whole situation seemed to embarrass and amuse her at the same time: she was in front of the door of a bar talking to a man she had never seen, both dirty with hot coffee and very idiotic smiles on their faces.

  
  


 

"Then I will use it only when you least expect it." Jaime smiled more openly and Brienne allowed herself a long look at his face, to see him really for the first time. His hair and beard were dark blond, tending to brown, his eyes large and bright green, which reminded Brienne of the wonder she had experienced when she first saw a lush meadow after months in the desert. Years ago Jaime must have been a statuesque beauty, of which he still had some residue in the sharp cheekbones and well outlined jaw, but the stress and especially the vices in which he must have fallen after the accident had left their marks on his face, marked by deep wrinkles and dark circles. 

 

He was still a handsome man, Brienne thought, looking away, a real man, more real than the star he must have been at the height of his career. Silence had fallen between them and Brienne realized that Jaime was watching her with the same care.

 

She wondered what he was seeing in her. Would he notice the broad shoulders, too large for a woman? Or the excessively large forehead, the hair too short? At that moment she felt even more vulnerable than how she had felt in the middle of a gunfight and felt the instinctive urge to run off, take a bus and return to Los Angeles with her tail between her legs. 

 

 

"It is strange, isn’t it?" he suddenly said, "Seeing each others like that, for the first time after all the words we wrote..." Brienne breathed deeply, the words of Jaime made her understand that she wasn’t alone in that boat, that they were together. "Yes, it's... it seems almost impossible." Jaime nodded in silence and then without warning handed her his arm "Well sweetie, do you want to do me the honor of being my guest tonight?" Brienne's mind was full of doubts, of conflicting thoughts that huddled inside her, but looking again in the green eyes of the man in front of her, she knew that there was only one right thing to do, so she took his arm in her arm and together they walked along the road.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

Jaime struggled to keep his mind focused on a stream of rational thoughts as he timidly clasped Brienne's arm and led her back to his house. Around them the passers-by threw curious looks at the strange couple that was walking. A handless man with an exceptionally tall woman was not something that was seen every day, he thought with a half smile.

 

Jaime still felt shaken by the sudden encounter that had triggered conflicting emotions in him. He was very happy to meet her, to really see her for the first time and above all to know that she was safe, at least for the moment, but the fact that she was here made everything feel so damn real and it was beyond scary.  He felt unprepared to face something that he didn’t know, that he didn’t understand completely. He glanced at Brienne, trying to capture some emotion from her face, but she seemed blissfully quiet, too quiet, the apparent serenity unmasked by the shining blue eyes moving fast, trying to record everything they could of the environment around her.

 

Her eyes had been the first thing he had noticed, so big and luminous that they looked like sapphires soaked in light, so much so as to give light to her whole face. Jaime hadn’t found her beautiful at first, but by observing her well he changed his mind; Brienne was particular, everything about her was as unique as the character he had learned to appreciate in those months of correspondence. She had her blond hair pulled back, she moved awkwardly, probably not comfortable in clothes so different from those she was used to wearing, and when she smiled, dimples appeared at the corners of her mouth that  Jaime had never observed in anyone else. More than anything, he knew he had never observed anyone else like that; looking at her face and her appearance he could see the words she had written, the feelings she had poured into the ink-lined paper. Somehow, for some strange reason that was unknown to him, she was different, and he felt an almost instinctive impulse inside him that pushed him to impress her, to be seen as best as possible.

  
  
  


 

"Jaime, are you there?" Jaime turned abruptly, realizing that he had lost himself in his own thoughts, crossing Brienne's questioning look 

 

"Sorry, what's going on?" "I was saying, that isn’t your cat?" Jaime looked ahead of him just in time to avoid treading the tail of Honor, who was staring at him with his single eye as if he thought he was an idiot. In fact, at that moment Jaime felt very stupid. "Sure, Honor! I hadn’t seen him since yesterday." 

 

Jaime bent down to pick him up while Brienne told him how she had found him shortly before while wandering in search of his house "Heck, you would have warned me... Even if I don’t know how you could have done it. But you could’ve asked to any of my neighbours, I think they founded a fan club against me." 

 

"Other people who hate Mr. Jaime Lannister?" 

 

Jaime laughed, shaking his head "We also have the cards if you're interested" 

 

"Interested??? I should be named president of the group." 

 

"I'm sorry, that place is reserved for my father." They both laughed as they walked, Jaime held Honor tight to his chest as the cat made noises between contentment and irritation, as if he could get tired of his master's attention at any moment and turn into a ferocious tiger.

  
  
  
  


 

They turned to Jaime's house, and Brienne was amazed to find herself in front of what, given the look of it, was supposed to be Jaime's brother along with a pretty girl with a really huge belly. "Oh God Tyrion, I'm sorry, I completely forgot our appointment." Jaime hastened to leave the cat to open the door. 

 

"And for good reason I would say." Brienne blushed, for the umpteenth time that day, she remembered with a touch of unease, under the inquisitor gaze of Tyrion, accompanied by a sly smile. "Forgive my husband, He was never taught to not stare at people." The woman looked at her with a smile and held out her hand "I’m Tysha, nice to meet you."

 

Jaime was again by his side, red in the face for the effort or for the embarrassment and at that moment he seemed so similar to a child caught in the act that she  could hardly refrain from laughing "Yeah, so they are my sister-in-law, Tysha and my brother Tyrion, she is my... er... she.. she is Brienne. "

 

It was the second time he had pronounced her name, but perhaps because of the excitement of the first glance, of the first moment they both understood that they were one in front of the other, she hadn’t noticed the sweet way he pronounced it, so different from the militaristic way with which they called almost all the people of his life when they dared to call her by firstname and not simply Tarth. She liked it immediately, in such a subconscious way that from then on, any other way of pronouncing her name would seem wrong. 

 

She could clearly see Tyrion's eyes light up when he heard his name "The famous Brienne! We finally know each other!" "Famous?" she bent her head slightly in the direction of Jaime, who muttered something under his breath before inviting them to enter. The house was the most normal thing there could be, but to her, so used to cold and bare barracks, left a pleasant feeling of life.

  
  
  


 

She could clearly see that Jaime wasn’t used to have guests, or that he was more than likely accustomed to frequent and numerous visits, but nevertheless managed to prepare a tea for them, categorically refusing to accept anyone's help. Meanwhile Brienne was trying to make conversation with the couple, but could not avoid throwing looks full of curiosity towards Jaime and quickly look away when she realized that he returned her gaze. 

 

"So tell us Brienne, why did they send you home?" Tyrion smiled at her encouragingly as Tysha next to him looked at him with an expression between the annoyed and the amused "Well, actually it was a rather trivial reason, we were victims of an ambush and..." From the kitchen there was a noise of smashed cups and Jaime approached her, a worried look in his eyes.

 

"What? When did that happen? Did you get hurt?" Jaime took a few seconds to realize his exaggerated reaction and tried to compose himself by bringing his hand on his side with feigned ease "It was almost a month ago, they knew what road we were going through and they blocked our way... it was a mess." Brienne tried to smile despite the worried looks of the three in front of her "I stayed in the hospital for a while along with others in my regiment because I had a slight head injury... Nothing serious, really!"

 

 

Brienne hastened to reassure them given the expressions of their faces "Now I'm good... we were all really shaken and they gave us a permit so... now I'm here." 

 

"Well, not all evil comes to harm, doesn’t it?" Tyrion barely had time to finish his sentence that Tysha nudged him in the belly "The grace of an elephant in a glassware, I'm sorry for what happened to you Brienne." 

 

 

Brienne smiled slightly and looked at Jaime, who seemed unusually silent; Brienne saw that he bit his lip, as if he were holding back from saying something, his brow furrowed with too many thoughts. 

 

Tyrion also seemed to notice him and stared at him with a frowning look until he spoke again. "They were crazy thinking they could beat you, sweetie." the tone seemed a bit forced but then smiled and the sudden tension of before seemed to break. They continued to converse and Brienne was amazed at her own loquacity; she had never been a very sociable person, yet at that moment she felt free to express herself as she wished, for once without the rigor of the role, without those unnecessary small talks that so often she felt obliged to exchange with her fellow soldiers. The army had always been her family, and yet the slight sense of anguish, of waiting that permeated every minute of their life there could not be removed from their talks.

  
  
  


It was easy to get lost in the small reality of that family, the sweetness with which Tysha spoke of their child, the love in Tyrion’s eyes when he looked at her, Jaime's smile when she could fit into the conversation. As Jaime once wrote to her, she and Tyrion quickly found themselves in tune; she admired his frankness and his cynical sense of humor and she liked the way he treated her, so different from the way most strangers did, looking at her as if she were an alien. She realized after a while that it was probably the same treatment he received, and for this she found himself appreciating him even more.

 

Tysha on the other hand was a piece of woman, combative and gentle at the same time, ready to give a sweet smile and put her husband back in line a moment later and Brienne thought that she was probably the only one able to stand up to the sagacity of that man. They kept talking about her, which normally would have made her uncomfortable, but she realized that Jaime now knew almost all the things that concerned her and that fact gave her an unusual security, of the kind that was not used to have without the uniform.

 

 

Their talks were abruptly interrupted by the shrill sound of the bell and Jaime rose from the table with frowned expression, as if he had not expected other visits that day. Brienne smiled a little  nervously as she heard the door open with a creak, and a firm female voice making her way to the room.

 

"Jaime, dear, you really should think about replacing the furniture, it’s like going into a pub, not a house." A tall, blonde woman with an almost fierce beauty entered the living room as if it belonged to her, the walk graceful and imperious at the same time, and evidently she had not given Jaime time to warn her about his guests, because an expression of slight surprise mixed with annoyance pervaded her face. 

 

"Ah, Tyrion, I didn’t think I'd find you here." She looked at the man with a look of cold disgust and didn’t even bother to greet her and Tysha. "Of course you didn’t think so, otherwise you wouldn’t be here." Tyrion smiled before quietly sipping his coffee and Jaime entered the room with a slightly embarrassed look "As I was trying to tell you Cersei, I have guests."

  
  
  


"I really wanted to talk to you in private." She spoke in an icy voice, as if she did not care at all about their presence there. 

 

"And I can imagine the subject, but you can tell dad that I haven’t changed my mind, and now I repeat you, I have guests. Brienne, "he said, turning to her, who could not help but jump slightly because she had suddenly been questioned "This is my sister, Cersei Lannister. Cersei, this is my friend Brienne." 

 

The woman looked at her and it was as if for the first time she realized her presence in the room. Her face first expressed slight confusion, then assumed a slight tinge of disgust that vaguely resembled what she had first addressed to her brother. Her gaze passed from her to Jaime for a moment before stopping on the latter "A friend? Good God Jaime, I didn’t realize that you liked to feel a dwarf... I suppose it's a mania that Tyrion passed to you." 

 

Brienne was shocked by the lightness with which that woman was able to offend all those present in that room, all her relatives moreover, but none of the others seemed particularly upset or surprised about that.

 

Tysha looked at the woman in front of her with open contempt. "Brienne is part of the Marine Corps, she serves our country, she deserves nothing but respect from a person like you." Cersei looked at her as if she were looking at an annoying insect "Oh, a soldier, now I understand... Jaime I'm sure she'll be manly enough for both of you." 

 

Jaime clenched his fist so hard he had his knuckles bleached and Brienne could no longer hold back "They told me you were the queen of the lawyers, I didn’t expect you to be the queen of bitches too, it’s a surprise." She felt Tyrion coughing beside her, choking with his own coffee as Tysha put her hand to her mouth not to laugh too loudly. Surprisingly, Jaime looked at her with a grateful expression that drove away the fear of having crossed the line.

 

Cersei Lannister looked at her in amazement, and a smile full of poison surfaced on her face "I see that I'm not welcome in this cheerful gang" she turned to Jaime, looking down on him "I'll let you know when I'll need you for the kids." And with a last, imperious glance, she left the house and slammed the door.

  
  


 

Brienne realized the tension that her entry had thrown into the room only when it broke after that exit. Tyrion looked at her with full admiration. "Remind me to offer you a dinner for this moment." Brienne laughed and her mood steadily improved as they finished the conversation and said goodbye to the couple when they decided to go home, promising them that they would see each other as soon as possible. 

 

Brienne felt the excitement back into her when she realized she was alone again with Jaime. He looked at her with a slightly sad smile. "Please excuse me for my sister... She is not an easy person... It has not always been this way, once it was different, but marriage, work... Perhaps I still maintain contact in the hope that the sweet girl of the past will return, however vain the hope is. Thank you for silencing her before." Brienne shrugged "Don’t even say it, it was a pleasure."

 

The silence fell between them as Jaime seemed to be fighting with himself, as if he were trying to find the courage to ask her something; Brienne felt her heart speed up his beats without being able to stop it. "I ... I mean, I wanted to ask you if you were going to stay in the city, if you want I can host you, you can stay in my room, I can sleep on the couch." 

 

Brienne looked at him with a nervous smile. "Thanks, but I've already found accommodation, there's a b&b nearby… besides if you were sleeping on the couch, there would be a risk of Honor suffocating you in your sleep." Jaime laughed but did not insist and Brienne was grateful for that. She didn’t want things to rush because of too much haste, even though she did not quite know what kind of haste it was. "Well then, if you want to stay... Can I invite you to lunch tomorrow?"

  
  


 

Brienne stared at him in shock, trying to resume her ability to speak. It was the first time she received an invitation. Was it a date? A friendly outing? What was she supposed to do? Jaime became aware of her nervousness and shook his head "Oh, I'm sorry, was it too much? I'm an idiot". 

 

He started to move away and Brienne read in his eyes the same fears that stirred her soul and understood what had cost him to raise the courage to ask her something like that. She reached out for his wrist and hold him "Jaime, I would really like it." And it was true. Only after a few seconds she realized that it was the first time she had really touched him, skin to skin, and it was incredible how a feeling could be both so strange and so right.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm finally back with a new chapter! I have unfortunately a bad news: since I have my new work keeping me busy and the chapters are getting longer, from now on I'm going to be able to update only once a week! I want to thank you for all the kind messages you gave me for my exam and everything, I really appreciated it! I hope you like this new chapter, as usual let me know what you think and I'll see you next week!


	10. Confession

The alarm clock signaled 7.57, exactly three minutes before the alarm was set, yet she had been awake for at least an hour. She had been staring at the mustard-colored ceiling of the bed-and-breakfast all that time. Her restless mind was filled with the dreams of the previous night, the distressing memory of screaming men mixed with the words that Jaime had spoken to her in the day before, with his smile that could thrill her in ways that she would have never thought possible. The alarm rang out in the silence of the room and she moved her arm slowly to turn it off, without worrying too much about the noise; she was fairly certain that she had come to the only hostel in San Francisco that didn't have any client.

  
  


She stood up lazily, stretching, the warm sunlight coming through the wide open window; she could no longer sleep with the shutters closed, she had spent too much time in the dark to despise any slight source of light. Jaime had said he was coming to get her by noon, and from the moment she left his house the night before, she could not think of anything other than how inadequate she felt for what awaited her. Where would Jaime take her? She stared again at her bag (how many times had she looked at it since yesterday, ten, twenty?) The suitcase with the few belongings she had brought from Los Angeles, laughing at her because it was probably the first time in her life that she did not know what to do, how to behave, how to dress. Her body vibrated with repressed energy, as she always did when she was not in service, forced to run around the field, so she put on her suit in speed, picking up from the bedside the mp3 player she had used the night before to calm down and rushed out of the room.

 

 

The wooden stairs creaked as she passed, the noise rumbling in the apparently empty house, yet Brienne felt a presence downstairs. In fact, as soon as she arrived she clashed with the extravagant landlady, intent on repairing something big and dusty in the middle of the living room "Oh, good morning Brienne!" Brienne greeted her with an uncertain smile, studying her as she had done the night before. 

 

 

When she had arrived in her b&b, the Black Wind, Asha Greyjoy had been more than happy to welcome her, entering her personal space without being invited to do so, as Brienne suspected she did with anyone, and forced her younger brother, far from happy, to cancel his evening plans and prepare her room. 

 

 

"I'm going for a run, I should be back soon." Asha looked at her with a confused expression "But wasn’t it today? The big day? You don’t have to prepare?" Here, another thing that Asha had managed to do well had been creeping into her life in the time of a dinner, which had left Brienne both annoyed and surprised "It's early... And then really, it's not such an important thing... " " But do you already know how to get dressed? Where is he going to take you? Do you immediately understand the character of a man from the first date, let me tell you, I’ve had my fair share of dates and... " Brienne could not even hear a word, undecided whether to blush again more violently than she was already doing or burst into laugh, so she just snuck out, leaving the woman to her repairs.

 

  
  
  
*

 

 

Jaime stared at Honor and Honor stared at Jaime.

 

 

They had been in that catatonic position for about half an hour and neither of them seemed willing to move. "It's useless to look at me like that cat, I have to do it, I have to cancel, I'll call her and tell her I'm not going." The cat just yawned and the man ran his hand through his hair "You don’t understand, I'm not used to these things anymore... And what if I'm horrible and she doesn’t want to see me again?" Jaime stood up, walking back and forth across the living room "And just... you saw her... She's not like everyone else, she's... she's special." He looked at the cat and who in return only stared at him with the classic feline expression of disgust for the human race. "You're right, I cannot cancel, but where do I take her, what do I organize? Why did I invite her?" Jaime again let himself fall on the couch, in despair.

 

 

He looked at the  phone, undecided, as he had probably done ten more times before. It was really irritating to ask for advice, but at that moment he really did not know which way to turn around. The phone rang again and again before Tyrion's deep voice made itself heard "Hello?" Despite the slight sense of shame that Jaime felt in the pit of his stomach for calling his younger brothers for help, he could not help but notice the sleepy tone of his voice "Tyrion, were you still sleeping?" "Yeah, strange thing to do at 9 on Saturday morning... To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?" Jaime hesitated for a few moments, aware that this was the last moment available to draw back "I ... I invited Brienne out." 

 

 

On the other side of the line Tyrion burst out laughing "I knew you would not let it slip away old man! Can I tell you that I love her? Not everyone can keep up with Cersei that way!" Jaime could not help smiling himself "I know... That's why I need your help. In short, I want to do things right, the problem is that I do not know where to start." Silence filled the atmosphere for a few seconds. "So you're telling me that you called for advice?” "Tyrion..." "No wait, I have to savor the moment." "Tyrion..." "Just another second... Ok, tell me what you had in mind."

  
  
  


Jaime absently rubbed his hand on the beard that he had forgotten to shave that morning "I don’t know, maybe an elegant restaurant ?" Tyron snorted, "Hey, we're talking about the same woman, don’t you think she'd get bored to death in a place like that? She's not our sister." "You're right... but then what?" Tyrion was silent for a few seconds, but Jaime seemed to feel the gears of his brain at work "You said she won’t stop much in the city right? Why don’t you take her to see San Francisco?" "Do I have to be a tourist guide?" "Yes, that is, no... Take her to see your favorite places in the city, so she will learn to know you, I understand that it is not easy seeing the way you two met, but I really think she could like you... don’t mess it up, all right?" Tyrion's voice sounded cheerful, as if the suggestion was only a friendly mockery, yet Jaime could sense a note of seriousness in his brother's voice. "I’ll try not to, I promise."

  
  


 

*

 

 

Brienne returned from the breathless and hot race, her legs becoming softer with every step she took; maybe she had exaggerated just a little. She had run like a madwoman, trying to leave all the negative thoughts, the anxiety, the constant sense of inadequacy behind her, aware that they would continue to follow her everywhere, ready to overwhelm her at the very moment when she would be stuck. 

 

 

Eventually her body told her to stop and, despite being still in one piece, she felt the anguish around the corner like an old enemy ready to catch her. She was climbing the stairs very slowly when Asha called her from the small reception "Brienne! A man came by here a little while ago and left something for you..." "A man?" Asha smiled mischievously "Even a nice snack if I can say it... shame on the hand."

  
  
  


Brienne, having forgotten her weariness, threw herself down the stairs with her heart in her throat; maybe Jaime had reconsidered it, and decided to cancel everything? 

 

 

"Ohhh but I was right then, he's a special person." "Asha please, give me what he left you!" Asha rolled her eyes but just went behind the desk. As soon as Brienne could see what the woman was giving her, she felt incredibly lighter; it was a flower, a bright white lily, and when she picked it up she was surprised by how fragrant it was. Asha shrugged "For my part I have to say that I would have preferred a nice diamond, but it's not bad... He even left you a note." Brienne read it without managing to hide the smile on her face, meeting again with Jaime’s handwriting as she would with an old friend.

 

**\- Sweetie, I’ll wait for you at the bar where we met at 12 o'clock, I recommend comfortable clothes! -**

 

"Who knows what our man has in mind..." Asha looked at her full of curiosity, as if she expected to hear the whole storytell from one moment to another "Well, have a good day Asha." "C’mon Brienne, I want to hear the whole story!" But Brienne had definitely more interesting things to do.

 

 

*

 

 

The more time passed, the more Brienne realized that she was living the most beautiful day of her life. Jaime had waited for her in the bar, beaming like the sun, and he had taken her arm and left to explore the city. Jaime lived rather far from the center, but the closer they got, the more Brienne could see the features that characterized the famous city, the winding streets, and the hills, the tall Transamerican Pyramid that towered over all the buildings and felt full of joy only for being able to see all those things. 

 

 

He had taken her to visit all the most famous districts, the Castro with rainbow flags and the great theater where his mother, passionate about cinema and opera, used to take him and his sister when they were child; the fragrant Chinatown, which kept in the air aromas that Brienne had never even imagined and amazing flavors that left her breathless. Jaime laughed and told her about his first Chinese New Year and the epoch drunkenness he had taken that night. And then the Italian quarter, the immense Golden Gate Park of which they had managed to see only a small part, including the stadium where Jaime had played his first professional match.

 

 

Brienne felt like a child, her eyes illuminated by the wonders she saw around her; she had lived most of her life in military bases, neat and clean, but gray and sad compared to that shining city. Jaime looked at her from time to time, glancing at her secretly when she was too busy filling her eyes and smiling, realizing with surprise how things that were banal and obvious for him could be wonderful for someone else, for her among all. Brienne could not stop laughing for a good minute when in the stadium's museum she saw Jaime's pictures as a young man, which he found strangely amusing despite everything.

 

 

Jaime was eventually forced to drag her away from the museum "The best part of the day has not yet arrived." "I find it hard to believe it" she said breathlessly, but then he took her by the hand and any protest died in her mouth. 

 

 

He took her to the Fisherman's Wharf, in the north of the city, full of small stalls full of shellfish and seafood, and ended up in Pier 39, the large shopping center on the pier while the sunset was reflected in the water with its changing colors and along the wet wooden walkway artists on the street performed in the most diverse shows, including a fire eater that Brienne found absolutely fantastic.

  
  


 

Eventually they ended up walking in the moonlight next to the Venetian carousel cheered up by the children's laughter, eating cotton candy that Jaime had secretly bought while Brienne was distracted; at one point Brienne saw something that caught her attention and squeezed Jaime's arm "Let's see if I haven’t forgotten how to do it..." It was one of those games that were at the village fairs, with a worn-out shotgun with which one had to shoot old cans.

 

 

Jaime smiled and looked at her in fascination as she took aim with an expert practice, knocking down cans as if she was born for it. Eventually the master of the desk, the look full of admiration, told her that she could choose any prize on display; she turned with a mischievous smile to Jaime "Close your eyes" Jaime obeyed patiently and after a few seconds he felt her hand touch something surprisingly soft. When he looked he found himself face to face with a big lion peluche "Sweetie, I hope you're joking !" Brienne smiled "Not at all! A lion for the young lion." He smiled and together they went to the exit, both feeling incredibly happy.

  
  


 

Jaime accompanied her to the door of the Black Wind, and with every step that brought her close to the threshold she felt the beating of her heart becoming faster and deeper at the same time; everything was perfect, but how would the evening end? Only the sky knew how much she wanted Jaime to come forward to kiss her, and how at the same time she was absolutely afraid of it. She looked at him and for a moment she lost the thread of her thoughts: at what moment had she completely lost her head for that annoying and sarcastic man? It wasn’t wise, it wasn’t prudent, surely it wasn’t like her, yet it had happened. "It was a really nice day," he said softly, and she tried to find suitable words to answer him. There was nothing more she could tell him but the truth "Jaime... I'm so happy that I’ve met you, you're really a special man."

  
  
  


 

His gaze darkened for a few seconds, his green eyes reduced to cracks, and she knew that she had said something wrong; too early maybe? Or simply too much? "I’m sorry... I just wanted to say that you're a good man, you're sweet even if with a cynicism that kills, you're honest, too much maybe..." 

 

 

"Brienne enough!" He had almost shouted and Brienne looked at him completely surprised by the sudden change of mood "Jaime, what's going on?" Jaime stretched her healthy hand towards her, the open palm "I... I'm sorry Brienne, but I can’t do this. I’m not the man you think I am." And with those words he left her alone and confused, with her heart full of pain.

 

 

*

 

 

Jaime had been sitting on the couch, his knees close to his chest, for almost half an hour when he heard someone knocking on the door; he didn’t answer, he didn’t want to see anyone, not in that moment. 

 

 

"Jaime Lannister, open this door immediately or I swear I'll throw it down! You know I can.” Jaime waited a few more seconds, simply hoping Brienne would leave, but in the end, overcome by the woman's insistence, he got up and opened the door. She was looking way paler than before, and terribly angry "You owe me an explanation, you owe me, I've come all the way to the other side of the world to see you, to meet you, you deluded me with your words and this wonderful day, you made me think of things that I would never have dared to imagine for myself, ever... And then you behave like that... If you didn’t want me in your life you could have just said it, I would have left without making all these illusions up in my mind. But I have decided that I deserve an explanation, and you will give it to me."

  
  
  


Jaime looked down, full of shame "It's not that Brienne, I swear..." "So what, please tell me, because I really can’t understand it." They were still on the threshold and Jaime realized that Brienne was shaking from the cold. He stepped aside to let her in and she followed him with uncertain steps. He did not know what to say to her, how to tell her what he had carried for years as a burden. 

 

 

"It was all so beautiful..." he said in a whisper "Having you here, for real, show you the places of my life... That for a moment I forgot who I am... what I did." She looked at him confused, trying to get closer, but he went away every time she took a step in his direction "Jaime..." "They told you about my accident, when... when I lost my hand." He raised the stump with a sad look "They told you about the boy,  Bran Stark." 

 

 

Brienne nodded, not understanding what he was trying to say "You told me I'm a good man... a sincere man, but it's not true, nobody knows the truth about that incident." 

 

 

Brienne remained silent, waiting for the inevitable truth. "I never told anyone what really happened that night... I was drunk, completely drunk, out of my mind... It was my fault, my fault if I no longer have my hand, my fault if that child can’t walk anymore... I'm a monster. "

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! As usual, a little note: when I first wrote this chapter (it was 2014!), I had never been to San Francisco, but it had been a dream of mine since I was a little girl. So everything in here is not exactly super specific or correct. In the meatime, last year I was able to go in the States for an internship and I took advantage of it to go and finally visit San Fransisco, including most of the places I mentioned in this chapter. It was really thirilling for me to finally see everything I had imagined for so long, even though I had one of the worst disappointment ever when I realised the house of the Halliwell from Charmed wasn't in San Fra but in Los Angeles! As usual, I hope you guys liked the chapter, let me know what you think!


	11. Belonging

 

Brienne stood for a moment without breath, her mouth half open in a grimace of amazement that almost certainly had to make her look terribly ridiculous. Jaime kept his head down, stubbornly looking at his hand so as not to meet her eyes. Se wanted to say something sensible, something intelligent, but her brain didn’t seem able to articulate any thought with a complete meaning. 

 

 

"But ... they told me, the truck..." Jaime shook his head resignedly, sitting on the sofa in front of her, his eyes still on the ground "The truck drifted, it's true, but I could have avoided it, if only had I been sober, avoiding it, braking, trying to avoid it in some way... but I didn’t notice it until the last second, and it was too late to try do anything. After, when I woke up at the hospital, my father simply told me that he had put everything in order. He must have paid someone to hide the analysis, modify the findings or whatever, all to make me perfectly innocent in the eyes of everyone. I was just a poor victim, like Bran. "

 

 

The man's voice had become more and more broken as he spoke, and when he finally looked up, Brienne could see the bright reflections of the tears that filled his eyes. "And that's not even the worst part. I spent years hating myself in a ferocious, destructive way, I didn’t dare to commit suicide, so I drank unconsciously trying to poison myself with alcohol, but I realized only after a long time that the reason I hated myself so much was my hand, only and only that. Of the child, of his life, of the opportunities he had lost I didn’t care, I could only cry at myself for all I had let slip." 

 

 

He looked at her again, with a sad smile on his face that almost broke her heart. How much pain could a man keep inside himself before bursting? "I was good, really good, I could have become a legend." He was shaken by a slight sob and Brienne could no longer remain distant, sat down next to him, and took his healthy hand, squeezing it tightly. They stayed like that for what seemed to Brienne like long minutes, but that could have just been a few seconds "I never went to see him, I wanted to but... I couldn’t... I still remember his mother's tears when she came to me in the hospital and told me she was sorry for my hand. She had been so kind to me, and I had just crippled her son for life. I couldn’t face her again, neither she nor what I had done. I’m just a selfish coward."

 

 

Brienne felt a huge weight compress the diaphragm, but couldn’t afford to remain silent, not in that moment "Jaime, you can’t be sure... Perhaps even the most attentive person in the world couldn’t have avoided that truck." He took a deep breath before continuing "When I killed that man on a mission I... I spent weeks wondering if there could have been another way, if what I had done was really necessary... Perhaps a more experienced soldier would have solved the situation in another way, maybe I did something wrong... When such things happen, terrible things that mark us inside, we always tend to blame ourselves. We look for the most trivial reasons to remind us that maybe, maybe we could have avoided it. And you Jaime, you have made a mistake, a huge one, but you have also paid and continue to do it every day. Don’t continue to punish yourself for something you can’t change. And even if it was selfish of you to think only about yourself… Now you understand, now you care, and even if you can never get to that child, something in you has changed, and it has done it for the better." She took a deep breath “You are no longer the man you were that night. And the fact that right now you are telling me this honestly, maybe for the first time in your life… it gives me hope to think you’ll never be back to be what you were.”

 

 

Jaime looked at her, eyebrows slightly frowned. "So you don’t think I'm a monster?" Brienne stretched her hesitant hand, lightly stroking Jaime's rough cheek "On the contrary, I think this makes you very human Jaime." They looked into each other's eyes, as close as ever, and in the emerald gaze of the man in front of her Brienne could see the same fears, the same fragility she felt inside, so when he leaned towards her to kiss her, the only thing she could do was returning the kiss. It was not comparable to anything else Brienne had ever experienced in her life; not that she had this great list of love experience, yet she knew immediately that this was special. Jaime's breath was as hot as his skin touching her hands, still frozen for the night ride, his scent smelled faintly of pine and filled her nostrils, her mind. It was a terribly tender kiss, which perhaps jarred with everything else, with memories full of pain, the uncertainty she felt in her heart, yet Brienne would not have wanted otherwise.

 

 

Jaime broke away and smiled at her as he had never done, almost like a child caught in the act of combining some trouble; Brienne smiled back, until she felt something move near her hand. She looked down and nearly tossed the big red cat across the room in surprise. Jaime burst out laughing and she too let out a smile, stroking Honor's neck while the sound of the cat's purrs filled the room "Somebody doesn’t like to be ignored." 

 

 

Jaime nodded and touched her hand "I'm glad you're here." 

 

"So am I."

 

 

*

 

The alarm rang out in the morning air a thousand times sharper than normal, enough to make Brienne start out in a rather ridiculous manner; only after a few moments she realized that it wasn’t her alarm, but rather the ringing of a phone, and that her surroundings were definitely not of her room. She was still on Jaime's couch and the vague and exciting memories of the night before came back to her suddenly, his confession, the words spoken softly that had finally made her fall asleep and... the kiss. That hadn’t been a dream. She repeated it to herself to drive away the darkest thoughts from the mind; it really had happened. To testify, as if the memories were not enough, there was Jaime next to her, his head resting on the back of the couch and his mouth slightly open in a grimace that Brienne found very funny; the big red cat was crouched on his knees and looked in her direction, his eyes irritated by the sound of the phone.

 

 

Brienne shook Jaime's arm, which opened his eyes and looked at her with a slightly sleepy expression before he heard the ringing. He took the cat and laid it down casually beside him, then went to the kitchen to reply as Brienne stretched out on the sofa. If she came back with her mind a few months ago, she would never have expected to be here, in the living room of her cynical and grumpy pen-pal, smiling like a child, as happy as ever. She mentally noted to take a gift from Renly. A big gift. And Loras, she absolutely had to call him; she smiled imagining his friend's surprised voice as she told him about the night before. Her cheerful and frivolous thoughts were interrupted by Jaime, who entered the living room in a hurry, his eyes alarmed "It was Tyrion, Tysha went into labor." Brienne stood up, completely awake and worried "Isn’t it too early?" Jaime nodded as he took his jacket "One month, Tyrion is worried to death, we have to run to the hospital."

 

 

She just nodded and slipped into her shoes as they went out. Jaime stopped suddenly, turning to look at her "We have to drive, I haven’t used the car since the accident... Can you drive?" Brienne looked at him raising an eyebrow "They trained me to drive tanks in the desert in case of need." Jaime handed her the keys "I'll take it for a yes."

  
  
  


 

 

They found Tyrion in the waiting room, white as a ghost, his face drawn and tired. Jaime immediately ran to him and the other looked up, greeting them both with a weary nod "How are you doing?" Tyrion shook his head. "They took Tysha to the operating room an hour ago and I haven’t heard anything since." 

 

 

Brienne noticed that Tyrion had shining eyes and walked away a few steps, trying to respect the intimacy of the two brothers "Last night she was well... We went to sleep and she smiled, she was happy and then... When we woke up there was blood, so much blood, I called the ambulance and they told me that Tysha had to be operated urgently, a complication they said, God, it's all my fault."

 

 

Jaime put his hand on his shoulder, trying to look him in the eyes "How? How can it be your fault?" Tyrion's desperate expression suddenly became full of anger as he turned away from his brother's hand "How do you ask me? How? Have you seen how I am? What genes do you think that poor child can have with a father like me? If Tysha dies... I could never forgive myself." 

 

 

"Tyrion that won’t happen, you'll see, you did things the right way, the baby was monitored from the first moment, it was healthy, it was fine, you have nothing to do with all this." Jaime squeezed his brother's shoulder again, which didn’t hold back this time "It's not your fault Tyrion, it's not, it's going to be alright, you'll see." Tyrion almost threw himself into his brother's arms and Jaime hugged him, throwing a sad look from behind his shoulder. 

 

 

Brienne, despite having met Tysha and Tyrion just two days before, felt terribly worried about the woman; nothing similar was supposed to happen to that beautiful family, it was too bad even to imagine. Tyrion calmed down after a few minutes and they were all waiting for hours while the hospital around them was teeming with life. Brienne thought absently that the waiting was terribly similar to what she felt before a raid, full of anxiety and fear; with the only difference that at that moment it wasn’t her on the line, and that just like Tyrion and Jaime, she could do absolutely nothing.

 

 

Eventually a doctor walked over to them and Tyrion jumped up, his eyes betraying the desire and terror of knowing how the operation went. The doctor smiled at Tyrion and only by that gesture Brienne felt her chest lighten considerably "We had some problems, but they are both out of danger." 

 

 

On Tyrion's face there was an expression of pure relief "Both?" "Yes. You have a little girl, and she's very healthy. The mum should wake up in a few hours, and you'll be able to see both of them tonight.  Congratulations." As soon as the doctor left, Jaime grabbed Tyrion and raised him in midair smiling while the other could not stop laughing "Congratulations dad!" He finally said to him, leaving him staggering, and Brienne joined him to congratulate herself and her doubts as to how to approach the man vanished when he hugged her "Congratulations Tyrion, I'm really happy for you."

 

 

That was how they ended up in the bar in front of the hospital, Tyrion offering drinks to everyone that passed, Jaime drinking iced tea and glancing at her while she just looked around, lost in general joy and toast that Tyrion proposed every two minutes. "You two are hiding something from me, aren’t you?" Tyrion slurred after the third beer "How come you came here together? It's not that..." He pushed his elbow to Jaime who blushed slightly "Old rascal, I knew it..." 

 

 

"Well Tyrion, I would say it's time to go see your wife, right? " Brienne intervened to save Jaime from the embarrassment and pushed Tyrion towards the exit of the bar, followed by a grateful Jaime and a congratulatory chorus shouted by the bar people.

 

 

 

As soon as Brienne saw Tysha and the baby in the white hospital bed she thought she had never seen a more tender sight in her life. The woman looked tired, yet her face shone with joy as she held the little bundle in her arms, and Brienne was for a moment jealous of that love, of that deep bond that she had never really known. But then Jaime squeezed her hand lightly as she stared admiring the scene in front of them, and managed to feel much less alone than she believed. Tyrion took the baby in his arms among the mother's thousand recommendations and looked at her for a long moment "My little princess..." The man's voice was so full of emotion that Brienne felt his eyes pinching as she tried to push back the tears.

 

 

"So you asked him?" Tysha said all of a sudden and Tyrion looked away from his daughter to look at his wife in the eyes "No, not yet... Jaime..." Tyrion turned to him, a smile slightly embarrassed in the face "Maybe it's a bit ' unusual, but me and Tysha wanted to ask you about the name." Jaime looked at his  brother, amazed "You want to ask my opinion?" Tyrion nodded "We thought of Joanna, but I wanted to ask you if you agree with it, after all you're the one that got to know her." Jaime intensified the grip on her hand and Brienne returned it, amazed at having found herself in the midst of something so intimate and familiar without, for once, feeling like a fish out of water; maybe this was really her place. "I think it's perfect," Jaime finally said in a trembling voice. "And I think mom would agree with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again for our sunday appointment! I would love to know your opinion on Jaime and Brienne, do you guys think something will happen before the end of the series? In the books I don't think they'll ever show anything romantic between them, but the series gives me hope (even though I didn't really enjoy the last seasons). I hope you liked the chapter, as usual let me know what you think! I'll see you next week :)


	12. Regret

"So they called the baby like her grandma? What a nice thing." Loras's voice was slightly distorted, but Brienne smiled as she stared at the yellow ocher wall in front of the phone. "Yes, it was really a wonderful moment, Jaime was very happy." 

 

 

"Speaking of Jaime, did you tell him when you’re going to leave?" Brienne felt a familiar twinge of anguish that briefly took her breath away at that thought "No, we haven’t talked about it yet." Loras was silent for a few seconds before answering "Don’t you think it's time to tell him?" You told me you'll come back tomorrow. " 

 

 

Brienne rubbed her face with her hand "I know, I know, but I can’t seem to be able to deal with the subject... It's all so perfect and I... Spending this week with him, seeing him every day... Loras this is the first I don’t want to go back in. Four permits in training, one after six months down there and I’ve never, never hesitated when it was time to come back, but now I just want to have more time."

 

 

"Brienne, I understand you, you know, but do you really want to give up?" The woman closed her eyes, thinking of her father; he had loved her deeply, spending as much time as he could with her, but he had never refused to do his duty. "No, I could never leave you alone Tyrell, you wouldn’t resist five minutes without me." 

 

 

Loras laughed, but she seemed to hear a note of relief in his voice, "Don’t count on it Tarth, I'll show you as soon as we’re back! Find a way to make your goodbye memorable then." The comment was meant to be joking but Brienne blushed violently and was pleased that Loras was not there to watch her. 

 

 

"In this regard... I wanted to ask you for advice." The thing embarrassed her a lot, but she had assessed her chances and he was the only option available; she was not yet familiar enough with Tysha and didn’t even dare to think about what answer she could get from Asha, so asking Loras for help had seemed like the only thing to do, only now she couldn’t find the words. "What?" Brienne looked around cautiously. "I... I would like to take our relationship to a new level before I leave, but... maybe it's too early. I don’t want to rush things too much."

 

 

 

Loras seemed puzzled "Next level? Do you want to ask him to marry you or something?" Brienne snorted noisily "No Loras, you don’t understand... Another kind of level... more physical."  Brienne would have wanted to sink into the carpet at that time "Ah" Loras was silent for a moment before bursting out laughing "Loras if you don’t stop immediately I swear I'll kill you, it's a serious matter." 

 

 

"Oh dear, I'm sorry, Brienne, I'll stop right away." Loras was almost sobbing with laughter and Brienne couldn’t hold back a smile despite the embarrassment "You're a jerk." "I know, forgive me, I couldn’t stop myself... I didn’t really understand what you were referring to, I really couldn’t imagine the scene, it’s you and.." 

 

"Loras stop, you're making it worse, give me a good advice or prepare to be a target the next time we go to the range. "

 

"Listen to me, Brienne, you are one of the most honest and precise people I have ever met. You are serious and prudent to the point of nausea, but sometimes you have to go beyond this, you need to go further. Do you know what I think every time I'm carrying a rifle, every time we raid? That it could be the last one. That I could die that day, and I don’t want any sort of regret. You told me that when you fainted on the battlefield, you thought your biggest regret was that you had never seen his face... Do you really want to try again the same feeling? Don’t leave with regrets this time. " 

 

 

Brienne took a deep breath before speaking again, as Loras's words swept through his mind, confirming what she had already in her heart; she just needed a confirmation. "Thanks Loras, I won’t do it."

 

 

 

 

 

"Brienne, what's wrong?" Jaime looked at her with concern as he repeated the same question for the third time, apparently quite empathetic to understand that there was something wrong with her behavior despite her trying to look as normal as possible. 

 

 

Brienne put the cup of tea on the table in front of her without letting it go, comforted by the heat that it emanated "Jaime, I have to tell you something." Jaime tightened her lips slightly, but other than that he said nothing, waiting for her to speak. 

 

 

"Maybe I should have told you before, in fact, I surely should have done it... Tomorrow I’m going back to Los Angeles, in three days my team will meet at the base to leave again, we have been recalled." 

 

 

Jaime stared at her in silence, the confused look that strangely reminded her of a child, which made her heart tighten in an almost unbearable way "I... well, I knew you'd be back there, I knew it. One of the first things I told myself when I met you, was that this wasn’t going to last long... Every moment is precious, I said to myself... But…” he ran his hand over his face before continuing, as if to hide the uncertainty in his voice "I thought I had more time, that we had more time."

 

 

Brienne looked down, unable to hide the sadness in her eyes or to bear the one she saw in his.  "I was a fool, I should have told you right away, but I didn’t want to ruin everything, you welcomed me in your life, in your family and for the first time it seemed to me to be part of something, to be real. I…  I felt more alive in these days with you than at any other time in my life." 

 

 

Brienne took a deep breath as she tried to calm the tumult she felt inside "In any other case all of this, all these emotions would make me tremendously afraid. In any other case I would never have told you any of those things, ashamed for having even thought about it, but I cannot help it, I want you to know what I feel before I leave because I could not... "

 

 

"Don’t say it. " Jaime squeezed her hand. "Don’t even say it, please." He looked at her for a moment before shaking his head "Damn sweetie, I didn’t cry when I lost my hand, do you want to make me cry now?" Brienne didn’t answer, merely shaking his hand in turn until he broke the silence again "Maybe it was better this way, if you had told me I would have spent the time counting down, hating every second that passed. How long will you stay away?" Brienne couldn’t do anything but tell him the truth "I don’t know."

 

 

Jaime just nodded and she breathed out "Jaime... I can’t ask you to wait for me" 

 

"Brienne don’t ..." 

 

"Please let me finish, I spent years waiting for my father, it's not the same thing, I know, but I know what it means waiting for someone without knowing where he is, if he is well, when and if he will return... I know how it feels, the impotence, the despair sometimes, and I don’t want and I can not impose this on you. This… this was perhaps the best thing that ever happened to me, but I'll understand if you don’t want to send me anything anymore, if you don’t want to hear from me anymore." 

 

 

Jaime laughed, but the sound of his laughter sounded sad, almost resigned "I think it's a little too late for that... I'll wait for you Brienne, and if I don’t get a reply to any of my letters I swear I'll come and get it in person, you get it?" 

 

 

Brienne smiled at him even if her eyes were slightly shiny "Okay." Jaime nodded and got up from the table, looking absently at the clock "So this is your last free night sweetie! Tell me what you want to do, anything and I'm ready to go! Except to embroider crochet, that would be little hard for me.” He waved his stump in the air and as she laughed Brienne thought about how she had almost forgotten that Jaime was missing a hand, how it had never been of any importance to her from the first moment she had seen him "To be truth, there's something I would like to do before I leave. "

 

 

Brienne stood up to meet him, trying to pull back the knot in her throat, looking at Jaime straight in his emerald eyes "Something I've never done before." Jaime smiled at her, unaware "Sure, what is it?" 

 

 

Brienne's smile wavered for a moment as she cursed herself for her inability to be explicit enough when she should be; not that before that moment there had ever been an opportunity. For a moment she felt a primordial fear that she knew well, the terror of disappointing the man who had quickly become so important to her, the thought of not being enough for him, not for what she was about to ask him. 

 

 

But she pushed everything back, determined not to lose that opportunity for any reason in the world "Do you think I'm a strong woman, Jaime?" Jaimer didn’t even wait for a second before answering "I’m sure you are." 

 

 

Brienne smiled at him "I think so too, even if it took me a while to figure it out. As it took me a while to understand that if you want something, someone, you don’t have to wait, you have to seize the opportunity when it shows up. And I…” she thought a deep breath “I want you Jaime, I will not let you become my worst regret. " 

 

 

A deep understanding colored Jaime's features only at that moment, and his lips opened in a slight expression of amazement before turning into a smile "How can I refuse?" Jaime put his hand to his forehead in an approximate military salute "I’m at your orders, sweetie!" 

 

 

Brienne smiled touching his lips with hers. "Finally, you show me the respect I deserve." Only when Jaime kissed her Brienne finally managed to leave everything behind, doubts about herself, about them, and even fears about the future.

 

 

*******

 

 

Brienne squeezed her eyes as hard as she could, trying to keep the sunlight out of her gaze. It was one of those special moments that she would take forever in her heart, to which she would think again before leaving for the field, before falling asleep under the stars of an almost unknown sky. 

 

 

She had never felt so happy, and was surprised at how that feeling could be inseparably linked to the deep sense of melancholy she felt deep inside. She felt Jaime's arm surrounding her waist and she clung to the memories of the previous night as much as possible before surrendering to the evidence; it was morning. She opened her eyes, stretching under the pale sunlight, feeling Jaime move slightly beside her. She started to get up, but he held her back, giggling. 

 

 

"Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day.It was the nightingale, and not the lark, that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear." 

 

 

Brienne tried to free herself from his grip, but without much conviction "What are you saying?" Jaime held his breath, feigning indignation. "How? My wise sweetie doesn’t recognize Shakespeare's quotes?" Brienne stopped for a moment trying to remember the lessons of high school literature "Romeo and Juliet?"

 

 

Jaime smiled "Exactly... And in this case I interpret the tender Juliet who tries to keep her husband in the wedding bed." Brienne snorted "Are you saying I’m the  husband?" Jaime chuckled and touched her shoulder with a kiss as she stared at the ceiling for a moment.

 

"Where did you learn?" 

 

"To be so fascinating? It's a gift of nature." Brienne nudged him on the ribs. 

 

"All right, all right, my mom loved Shakespeare. She always made us play when we were young, I was Romeo and Cersei was Juliet "

 

Jaime stopped for a moment “And maybe that explains the strange nature of our relationship."

 

 

Brienne smiled, but there was a note of sadness in her face; no matter how long she wanted to stay there, she knew she had to pack her bags. "My bus leaves in two hours." 

 

 

The statement hovered too definitively and Jaime just nodded, looking at an indefinite point above them. "I know I have no right to ask," he said after a while, almost whispering “That's your life, that your friends are there... But if I don’t ask you I think I would regret it with every fiber of my body. Why don’t you stay?" 

 

 

Brienne hesitated only for a second "I can’t Jaime, my place is there. I will continue to protect my country for as long as I can." Jaime nodded and didn’t press her over, which she was immensely grateful for and hugged her harder than he had ever done. 

 

 

"There will be a place waiting here for you when you want."

 

 

*******

 

 

Brienne stared at the road illuminated by the headlamps of cars without actually seeing it, the mind completely lost in moments lived just before. She had greeted everyone before she left, had called Tyrion and Tysha, thanked Asha and even received some heartfelt purring from Honor when she had caressed him for the last time. Jaime hadn’t looked at her in the eye until the last moment, when the bus doors had closed in front of her, and perhaps it had been better this way; her will was strong, but she did not want to test it any more than she was already doing. 

 

 

He had perhaps been more shy and sarcastic than usual, but Brienne could understand it; in the end he had left her with a "Goodbye sweetie." and for Brienne it was enough. 

 

 

"Goodbye Mr. Jaime Lannister." it was the only thing that she had managed to say, while a thousand of other statements swirled around her head; for some it was too early, for others maybe too late.

 

 

She no longer felt like before, she felt different, felt more than ever at that moment to have a purpose, a task. She had to protect her country because it was her duty, to allow people like Tyrion and Tysha to raise their children without fear, she had to fight to return to Jaime with her head held high, knowing she had done her duty, that she had gave all that she could. 

 

 

She knew she had taken a big step forward, having put aside the insecurities that she had always brought with her to allow herself to be truly happy, and for that reason she could only thank herself. For that when she saw Loras at the station waiting for her, she could not help meeting him with the best smile she could manage, incredibly happy for someone who was about to go to war. However, as soon as she saw Loras's face in full light, her smile froze in her face "What's going on?"

 

 

Her friend was pale and incredibly serious, a behavior that the boy had never held, not even before a fight "Brienne, I'm glad you're here. We… you have to come with me." 

 

 

Brienne had learned a long time before in some cases the questions were useless, so she just nodded, following Loras to the car. "It's Renly," he told her after a while, staring at the road, his voice full of resentment "That bloody idiot." 

 

 

Brienne looked at him in amazement; neither she nor Loras, though they were tied to Renly, had never allowed themselves to talk about  their captain in those terms. It was for fear that she finally interrupted his silence "What's going on?" Loras shook his head "He made me promise to shut up, he will tell you." "Yesterday, when I called you..." "I didn’t know, I didn’t know it yet."

 

 

When Brienne saw the hospital in front of her, her fears only worsened. Renly was alive, he was fine the last time she saw him, nothing could have happened, she had taken him to safety; she couldn’t stop repeating it to herself, she had brought him to safety. Loras led her through the labyrinth of hospital corridors, nodding to a couple of nurses who he seemed to know as they headed toward Renly's room.

 

 

When she saw him sitting on the bed, Brienne immediately felt an immense sense of relief. He was alive. He smiled at her as he always did when he saw her, and Brienne couldn’t help but return the smile in spite of the tension she still felt strong in her. He took a deep breath before saying "It seems that this time you will have to get away without me."

 

 

At first Brienne couldn’t understand and stared at him confused, then her eyes went down to his right leg, where she knew she would find the wound, and she felt the blood freezing in her veins. Where once there had been the captain's leg now there was nothing.

 

 

"I was lucky, you know, the wound was just above the knee, they'll make me a good prosthesis like that, at least I hope." Brienne looked at Renly, trying not to collapse in front of his forced expression; even at that moment he was trying to sound strong, as if nothing serious had happened 

 

 

"How... How did it happen?" it was the only thing she managed to say as she slowly approached the bed with Loras beside her. Renly shrugged as if he wanted to minimize it. 

 

 

"It looked like normal wound, nothing too serious. It had not damaged the bones, no main blood vessels, I thought I had been lucky" Brienne felt her heart squeeze painfully in her chest as she saw the captain's shining eyes. 

 

 

"Then the wound turn red, I got a fever, so they did some analysis... They said it's a rare thing, a bacterium that destroys the flesh, with an unpronounceable name. Necrotizing fasciitis, they said... lethal if they don’t immediately remove the infected tissue.They couldn’t do anything to save the leg, but they saved me." Renly looked her in the eyes again, tears streaming down his face as he tried to smile at her "I was lucky."

 

 

Brienne reached out and squeezed his shoulder, helpless in the face of the suffering of one of the people who counted the most for her in the whole world. Renly squeezed her hand with his as he tried to compose herself "I didn’t want to tell you first because I didn’t want to ruin these moments of peace at home, we have so few of them. Loras told me you found the man of the letters." 

 

 

Brienne nodded as the tears run down her face "I'm really happy for you, you deserve it." Renly looked at Loras and held out his hand, which he promptly squeezed "You have to promise me that when you are over there you will take care of each other, okay? I won’t be there looking after for you." 

 

"Yes sir," Loras and Brienne said together, and never before did she realize that she had made the right choice.

 

 

 

Only much later, Brienne had time to sort out her things, opening the small suitcase she had brought back for the first time since she had returned. Tired and full of melancholy as she was, she almost didn’t notice the little crumpled note that had slipped sideways between her clothes. She picked it up with a smile recognizing the calligraphy that adorned it, sensing the tension slipping off it like water.

 

 

**My dear sweetie,**

**There are so many things I would like to tell you, and time is so short. Among all, one is the most important, the only one that perhaps really counts to explain what I feel for you, but I decided to keep it for me until you return. And you must return, because I assure you that it is something sensational, a rare and unique event that I doubt will be repeated so soon. You made me understand that my story was not over yet, that there was much more space to write even if I couldn’t see it; I owe you everything I've managed to become now, all the ways I've managed to change for the better, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. So you have to come back Brienne, because I'm going to thank you every day of my life, yours, ours. Destroy the enemies, save the world but then come back to me. I'm waiting for you.**

 

**Jaime**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that the level of sappiness in this chapter is excessive, but I do love to write them like this (enjoy it while it lasts)! I hope you liked the chapter, the story will turn soon on its final arch... As usual let me know what your thoughts are, I really appreciate your feedbacks! Also, while I'm working in France and learning french better, I find it more and more chaotic to write in english (and talk in italian!) Does this feeling ever pass? I'll see you next week, ciao ;)


	13. Missing

It took only a few hours in her old camp to feel like she had never really left. Every movement for her was almost automatic, responding to orders that were a natural component of her upbringing, her being. But there was more, something in the air that made it different, unique; the feeling of the sand under her boots, the voices of the soldiers carried by the hot wind... Once all this would have made her almost happy, like returning to the only house that she had ever felt to possess, the only place which she had managed to feel hers somehow, but now... Now she could almost physically feel the difference in her soul. She put her belongings on the usual cot, pulling out first the letters of Jaime, held together by a funny pink ribbon that Margaery had given her before she left, which was so out of tune with the environment that for a moment it made her smile.

 

 

She squeezed the letters in her hands, mentally reviewing every sentence that had remained engraved, managing to feel them in her mind with the voice of Jaime, to associate his slightly distorted and convoluted calligraphy at the touch of his hand, to the small inflections of his lips while he laughed.

 

 

It seemed so strange now, now that the ghost of Jaime had come out of her fantasy to become reality, man in flesh and blood... It was extraordinary how everything that was written had come back to mind when she was looking at him, listening to him talk. His personality was etched in the letters like an inebriating perfume, and Brienne wondered for a moment if he too was there in his living room, with her letters in his hand, looking at nothing in particular... For a moment, just the idea of missing someone so much, as much as she missed him, left her breathless.

 

 

Loras passed close to her, looking at her with a dejected smile. "It will be hard this time..." Brienne only nodded, incapable of finding anything else to add. It would have been terribly hard. It always is, she thought with a shiver, when you have something to lose. She gently placed the letters in the drawer of the little bedside table next to her, trying to think of anything else just to not think about him. "I spoke to the communication base for the thing you asked me, but it seems like it's not possible, just emergency calls." Brienne knew it, but she still felt disappointed. She had hoped to call Jaime, just to tell him that she had arrived safe and sound at destination "It looks like you have to do it the old way." 

 

 

Loras looked over at the letters and Brienne just nodded, before a half smile touched her lips. "But first ... how about doing some shots, Tyrell? Or did you get too rusty over the holidays?" Loras slapped her on the shoulder and started walking towards the polygon, and for a moment it was as if nothing had happened, as if Renly was still there with them. Brienne let herself sink into the happiness of the moment, trying to let everything else go.

 

 

 

_ October 10, 2002 _

 

_ Jaime, _

 

_ I am writing to tell you that we have arrived, and that everything is fine. I was hoping to find a way to contact you faster, but calling home seems almost impossible. Our camp is not well equipped for international calls and is reserved for emergencies... So it seems that we should use traditional methods for some time. _

 

_ It seems terribly strange to write to you now, after seeing you, after having talked to you... At times it seems like months passed, in others only a few moments. I don’t even know why I'm writing you this, I've never been good at these things... I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. And I hope you miss me too. It almost makes me smile to write these things that seem taken from a romance book (which, and I tell you in confidence, Loras reads continuously) between a training session and the other, it would be like comparing the bullets that are fired from my shotgun to the words that come out from my pen... And maybe you'll find me inconvenient and embarrassing, but I might as well be honest at this point, right? _

 

_ Here the situation is getting more and more heated, the communication between the two fronts increasingly harsh... I don’t know how it will evolve, but it certainly will not end soon, I'm sure of that. I miss Renly even more than I thought, being here without him... it's not the same, it does not look like home anymore. I don’t remember well what I told you during our last phone call, but... he is really important to me, and not just because it was thanks to him if we met... he was the older brother that I never had, and still is. God, sometimes we talk about him as if he’s dead... It's upsetting for us, I dare not imagine for him. I really wish I could help him more, as he did a thousand times helping me not to feel alone, lost... But being here precludes everything from me. For the first time in my life Jaime, I can not wait to go home. I hope you are well, say hello to Tyrion, Tysha and little Joanna and... Know that even though I am here, a part of me has remained by your side. _

 

_ Brienne _

 

 

*****

 

 

Jaime walked through the long white corridor, slightly dazzled by the reflection of the strong neon lights on the white surface of the walls. For a moment he wondered why it was white. Perhaps it wanted to indicate cleanliness, health, being an extreme example of the hygiene that was subjected to that place, but the white was discolored and sad, now a gray covered with spots on which Jaime did not feel necessary to dwell, thinking about how terribly easy it was to dirty something of white, something pure. His mind, as often, almost always, happened in those days, re-imagined fragments of his time with Brienne, shots stolen from his mind in all kinds of moments spent together. She was pure, in a special way and Jaime more than anything else had been afraid to dirty her with what he was. Amazingly, he had realized that instead of what he feared the exact opposite had happened, Brienne had managed to pass on a little of her candor, and he felt at peace with himself as never before.

 

 

He turned right for the third time, realizing he had finally arrived. Hospitals always made him uncomfortable and in those moments the ghost of his hand was more present than ever, tormenting him despite all the time spent. But it was something he owed to Brienne, he wanted to do it for her.

 

 

He entered the small room, that also annoyingly white, and crossed eyes with the man sitting in the small hospital bed, intent, until a moment before, to flip through a book. "Good morning," he said,  trying to flaunt a sense of self confidence that he did not feel he possessed. "Good morning," the man replied with a tight smile, and Jaime realized that he must have been much younger than he had thought. "Looking for someone?" the patient asked again, and Jaime ran his healthy hand over his hair, slightly embarrassed "Actually, I'm looking for you, Renly Baratheon, right?" The man's face changed, suddenly becoming suspicious "We know each other?" Jaime smiled at him "No, but we have a mutual friendship, I'm Jaime Lannister."

 

 

Renly was stunned for a moment, before a flash of understanding crossed his eyes "That girl will drive me crazy... She found a way to watch me even from a distance." Jaime smiled as he approached the bed slowly "She actually didn’t tell me to come here... It is a spontaneous thing.” Renly nodded "She cares about you a lot, and I know she's sorry she can not be here, so I thought I'd have to go and see you every now and then, if it doesn’t bother you." 

 

Renly smiled, looking at him carefully "Tarth is a lucky one, then." Jaime exhibited hir best captivating smile "I must say my sweetie is indeed a lucky girl." 

 

Renly almost  suffocate with laughter "You don’t really call her sweetie, do you?" Jaime laughed with him "I do it at my own risk." Renly pointed to a chair and he sat next to the bed "Wanting to be completely honest I have another reason to come here..." Renly raised an eyebrow, curious "The situation we have with Brienne is... let's say particular. I wanted to ask you if it wasn’t a problem for you, to talk a little about her sometimes... I can’t do it with anyone else, and the letters... every time it seems that time expands to infinity while I wait."

 

Renly smiled at him "I don’t mind at all, here it is deadly boring." 

 

"And then... Well I thought you might like to talk to someone who could understand you in a way." Renly frowned and looked at him in confusion, and only then he realized that he hadn’t noticed the missing hand; he raised the stump near his face with a sad smile and Renly's eyes widened only slightly "I didn’t realize... I'm sorry." Jaime shrugged "It was a long time ago, I just wanted to tell you I know what it feels like, and I know what it's like to have a myriad of people looking at you sympathizing, telling you they understand, when they really have no idea that means losing a part of oneself. If you want to talk about it, I'm here." Renly was silent for a moment, avoiding his gaze, and Jaime hoped with all his heart that he hadn’t said something wrong; he had liked Renly immediately, things that did not often happen to him with strangers. "Thank you, really." Jaime nodded and smiled at him and saw Renly's shoulders relax slightly on the pillow.

 

 

"Did you know it was your sweetie that saved my life?" Jaime looked at him in amazement "No, she didn’t tell me." Renly shook his head "Always modest Brienne, I've never met a person as dedicated to duty as that girl. When I saw her next to me before she left... I realized how much it must have cost her to leave again this time, leaving so much behind. But not for a moment I doubted her intentions: his father was a man of honor and she is identical, this is her greatest merit, but it’s also her curse..." A cold shiver seized Jaime, but it was only a moment, then Renly returned to smile at him and the dark presentiment passed as fast as it had come.

 

"There is a favor that I would like to ask you." Renly looked at him curiously that turned into a smile when he realized what Jaime had in mind.

 

*****

 

In all her long months of service, Brienne had never found it harder to stifle her tears than at that moment. She breathed deeply, trying to think of the joy she felt at that moment, mixed with the terrible melancholy that for days she had in her soul. In her hands was clutched the small, fragile photo that Jaime had sent her in his last letter, which showed him, smiling and beautiful as she remembered, next to an equally cheerful Renly. It was beautiful and at the same time terrible to see two of the people she loved most in the world together, but so far from her. The thought that Jaime of his own free will had gone to Renly to talk to him, to console him, to do what she wanted to do, warmed her heart in a way she would never have thought possible. She put the picture on the nightstand, mentally mentoring her to show it to Loras as soon as he came back, and read the letters she was holding in her lap, inanimate objects that spoke to her in the voice of the men who had written them.

 

 

**October 27th 2002**

 

**Dear sweetie,**

 

**since you're there, the days have been slow and monotonous, I find myself playing with Honor more often than it would be convenient for a man of my age... So I thought, why not go to visit your friend in the hospital? I must say that Renly and I got immediately along. I see that he’s a good man, and I'm really sorry for his leg. It must be said, however, that he is taking it much better than I did at the time... although it doesn’t take much to do so. I asked him to write something, hence the letter you find attached, I thought you might like to read something in a calligraphy that was not a complete scrawl, and he accepted willingly.**

 

**Probably he wrote you a papyrus about how I am a person with a disagreeable aspect (I didn’t read the letter, it wouldn't have been nice ... okay, I might have peeked at the first words, but then the sense of honor prevailed, seeing how I'm getting better? The cat is proud of me.) I think I'll come back to visit him again, he seems to have enjoyed the company of someone other than the nurses, and we talked about going to a meeting of those organized by hospital for people with no leg or other missing parts (if it's only for people without legs they are also able to leave me out, I have to be careful), not that I like them, but it could be useful to him.**

 

**Anyway, you seem to be adorned with a poetic vein that I never felt  on you my dear sweetie, if you go on like this I will send your letters to a poetry contest!**

 

**If you are not good at these things, I cannot imagine what level I am in... I would dare to say underworld. It’s sufficient to say that the first and most important reason that convinced me to go to Renly was the hope of being able to talk about you, because otherwise the idea of all these months waiting becomes almost unbearable. The whole Lannister family (or at least, the nice part) greets you warmly, and hopes you are fine.**

 

**I miss you Brienne, I wish you were here with me.**

 

**Jaime**

 

 

Brienne gently stroked the paper, staring down at the last line, almost indecipherable. Jaime's writing had become thick and fast. She noticed that the pen ink was slightly different from the rest of the letter, as if he had decided to write that last thought of haste, just before sending it, so that he could not regret having done so. She and Jaime were so similar in many ways that it almost surprised her, and at the same time made her smile. She looked at the picture again, noticing how he had let his beard grow from their last meeting, making him look more mature than before; perhaps both were growing, much more now that their paths had crossed compared to before.

 

 

**_October 27th 2002_ **

 

**_Dear Brienne,_ **

 

**_I never wrote you a letter, I've never needed it, since I've known you, we've always been close. It seems so strange to think of you down there alone, without me. Not because I don’t think you can do it alone, I know both you and Loras too well to doubt you, but because I'm not sure I can do it without you. My life has always been that of the military, since I was a boy. Now that I am forced to bed, watching the world escape from a window, after having abandoned all the habits that I had accumulated over the years, I feel lost._ **

 

**_I do not know if I still have a purpose. For now, I'm concentrating on rehabilitation, adapting myself to the prosthesis that they are slowly building me to measure, but... the thought of what comes next frightens me, like never before. It was easier to face the enemy fire than an uncertain future. But Jaime's visit made me very happy, he's a good guy, I can see that. And he cares a lot about you, that's for sure; his eyes shine every time I mention your name, yet he was also very helpful to me, and it was nice to talk to someone who knows what it means... all this situation._ **

 

**_I wish I could write to you that I feel better, that the pain has passed, but every time I look at the nothingness that was once my leg my heart clenches... Perhaps with time it will pass. Jaime told me that at a certain point you stop regretting what you've lost and begin to appreciate what you've earned, and that you can hold on to it. He didn’t say it, but I think he was talking about you._ **

 

**_I heard that I was temporarily replaced by Corporal Seaworth, and I'm sure he will do a good job, he's a dutiful man with a ready mind, for sure you and Loras will be fine with him. Greet everyone for me, and tell them that my thoughts go to you every day. Be careful Brienne._ **

 

**_Capt. Renly Baratheon_ **

  
  
  


Brienne placed both letters on the mattress next to her, admiring again the so different calligraphy of two men so different from each other, yet so close. She wholeheartedly hoped for Jaime to succeed in helping Renly, and was grateful as never before to have known him, to have him by her side.

 

 

She had just picked up the paper to answer both when Loras ran past her to get his rucksack from the cot "Move Tarth, the corporal sent us to the front line. There are clashes south-west of the city, we have to go..." 

Brienne stood up in a flash, putting the letters next to the others, waiting for the answer she would write later, if not the day after. She picked up the pack and took a step toward outside, then came back and picked up the picture of Jaime and Renly; Loras would have liked to see her before taking the field.

 

 

Everyone was moving frantically out of their tent, and at Brienne it was immediately clear why; in the distance she could see the smoke of burned houses, and her heart turned of ice; she prayed for a moment that there were not any civilians in that city forgotten by God. A large, threatening-looking green helicopter waited for them ahead, moving the sand in large waves around it with the rhythmic movement of the blades. 

 

Brienne walked beside Loras to the helicopter, holding her helmet firmly on her head. A boy who she remembered to have seen more than once smiled at both of them "There is only one place left, the others will have to wait for the next one." 

 

Loras looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "Ladies first..." Brienne hit him on the shoulder and firmly climbed the helicopter, there was no time to waste. The rifle she carried in her hand had never seemed so light, while with automatic methods she fastened her belts and waved to Loras as the helicopter flew up.

 

She should have been tense, worried, and partly was, but at the same time she felt an almost icy calm on her. She looked out and saw that the great sand dunes lit up a thousand colors in the sunset; she hadn’t noticed that the day was about to end. She marveled at how beautiful the view could be, even though she clearly heard the shots in the distance. She should also write that to Jaime in her next letter, the poignant beauty of that country devoured by war and hatred. Only then did she remember that she hadn’t shown the photo to Loras, and she scolded herself.

 

Then the helicopter began to spiral downwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, first of all, I would like to wish you all a wonderful Christmas and holidays (I just went back home in Italy and it's so nice to have some holidays time!). Second, I know we are supposed to be good at Christmas but the end of this chapter is well... not exactly in the Christmas spirit, sorry about that! I hope you liked it anyway, as usual let me know what you think. I'll see you next week, ciao!


	14. Darkness

Everything around her was almost completely immersed in the darkness, except for a pale island of light not far from her, which seemed to come from a door. She stood up on her elbows, trying to get a more uniform view of what was supposed to be some kind of underground cavern judging by the humidity she felt around her. 

 

"Thank God!" Brienne turned abruptly in the direction from which the voice came, fast enough to cause a throbbing pain in the chest. For a moment she thought of standing up, but her ankle burned like a fire as soon as she tried to lean on it, and she immediately gave up the idea. 

 

"Who's there?" She shouted hoarsely as she felt something approaching in the darkness. As the figure entered her field of vision, Brienne relaxed against the rock wall; he was the soldier who had helped her get on the plane, the smiling boy whose name she could not remember. Now he wasn’t smiling at all, and his eyes were full of fear, enough to make him look much younger than he was supposed to be "Thank God you're fine, I thought you wouldn’t wake up anymore."

 

Brienne looked into his eyes, then looked around "How long have I been sleeping? Where are we?" 

 

The boy's lips took a bitter turn "I have no idea. I only remember that the helicopter fell... Then I woke up here. I don’t know how much time has passed... maybe a day or two. I lost the concept of time."

 

Brienne, like him, remembered the helicopter crashing to the ground, then nothing else. "Did you check the perimeter? Are there any ways out?" The boy came up a few inches, shaking his head "Just a door, there on the light. From there they send the food inside." 

 

Brienne felt a shiver running down her back "Who?" Again, the boy shook his head "I don’t know." Brienne was silent for a few seconds staring at the door that now could see through the light; it was made of metal and looked terribly thick. Nothing good for them. 

 

She turned back to the boy, realizing only then that she didn’t even know his name "I am Brie" "Brienne Tarth" he finished, and she looked at him in amazement "I saw you in the shooting range. Everyone at the camp knows who you are after what happened to Captain Baratheon."

 

Brienne smiled slightly "Given the situation, I would say that we can forget the formalities, call me Brienne. I'm sorry, but I don’t know your name, even though I remember seeing you at the base." 

 

The boy smiled "It's normal, not many remember me... I'm cadet Payne, Podrick Payne." Brienne smiled at him "It’s a pleasure to meet you, Podrick. "

 

*****

 

 

"They weren’t found? What the hell does that mean? "Loras ran a hand through his hair, vaguely aware he had raised his tone inappropriately. The man in front of him stared at him with a stern look. 

 

"I already told you Tyrell, the helicopter crashed in neutral zone, but when we arrived there were only three bodies, we have no idea where the missing two are... or who they are." Loras stared into the man's eyes, feeling anger within him that he had never felt before "How the hell can you not know who they are? You're just full of bullshit, if my friend is dead, I want to know! "

 

The boy stopped for a moment, taking a breath. By the time he had seen the helicopter gliding slowly to the ground, he had remained motionless for a moment, thinking vaguely how it looked like one of the toys he had when he was a child, a plastic helicopter that had broken when he was ten, and as his sister had been the only one able to console him by playing with him until his tears had dried. 

 

Then the explosion had arrived, and with it the fire, the smoke, and the terrible awareness of what had happened.  There was no time to think before, but at that moment, in front of the new corporal who had taken Renly's place, who was so painfully different from his captain, Loras had given voice to his deepest fear. If Brienne had really died in that accident, he would have never  forgive himself.

 

Corporal Seaworth frowned for a moment, surprised by the boy's warm temper, then put his hand on his shoulder. "Really, even I don’t know anything right now. Unfortunately, the corpses were charred, their tags were not there, as if someone had torn them. The same person must have taken away the two survivors, hoping they are such." Loras crossed his gaze "As soon as I know more I'll let you know Tyrell, promised." "Thank you sir."

 

Loras walked up to his tent, not paying much attention to where he put his feet, or what was going on around him. He was stunned, he felt terribly tired and at the same time furious with himself, he kept reliving in his mind the last time he had seen Brienne, how he had given her the place in that damned helicopter. Loras had never been religious, but as he dropped onto his cot, he pleaded with a God he was not sure he believed in, praying with all his strength that Brienne was still alive and well.

 

*****

 

 

Jaime put the heavy bag on the apartment floor, cursing the moment when he had proposed to help Renly bring his things to his new apartment. Renly struggled through the door with his new crutches and smiled "Thank you so much Jaime, really." 

 

Jaime shrugged "Don’t even say it. I'm happy to give you a hand." Renly stared at him for a moment, then began to laugh "I hope to reach your level of self-irony soon." 

 

Jaime smiled in return "It was a lucky thing to have found this apartment with this little notice." He said without really meaning it: the apartment was really horrid, but at least Renly had a place to stay. Renly raised an eyebrow, looking at him "There is no need to pretend. It's a bit disgusting to me too, and I’ve been in the army for most of my life." Jaime laughed "At least there are no stairs." Renly's lip flickered for a moment as he tried to hold back a laugh.

 

They both jumped hearing the door slam violently "They could make a joke on us..." Tyrion's tired voice reached them from behind a box higher than him "A dwarf, a maimed and a cripple do a moving together..." he threw the box on the ground and threw himself on it, puffing loudly, careless of the possible fragility of the contents. 

 

"I would like to hear it." Renly smiled as he dragged himself tiredly to the fridge, one of the few furniture they had found upon their arrival "Can I offer you a beer?" Tyrion's smile became slightly more tense as he looked at his older brother with concern, but Jaime only shook his head "No thanks, I don’t drink anymore." Renly stood for a moment, suddenly concerned, looking first at Tyrion, then Jaime "I... Jaime I'm sorry I didn’t want to upset you."

 

Jaime stood up and looked absently at the covers of the books they had brought with difficulty into the small apartment, unable to look both at his brother and Renly "I... I had some problems with alcohol." Renly nodded, he didn’t investigate any further and looked down, embarrassed and at the same time full of admiration for Jaime. Who, despite the many difficulties, had managed to build himself a new life; for a moment the fear of not being able to do the same, of not being strong enough, caught him. 

 

Then Jaime looked up and smiled "But it’s better now. All thanks to my sweetie." Then he got up and went to get one of the other boxes in the car. Renly stood briefly for a moment, until Tyrion slapped him on the back. "Forget it, he’s a goner. In a while he'll draw rainbows and flowers on every surface."

  
  
  


*****

 

 

Time seemed to expand indefinitely, while silence became more acute, more painful. Her attempts to hurl herself against the door, to scream in English, French, the little Arabic she knew every time food was left at their door was worthless. No response to her screams, her questions. The darkness was thick and wet around them, and Brienne was left with a terrible sense of despair. She had thought in her mind at every possible scenario; why  did they have her and Podrick taken as prisoners instead of leaving them to die in the flames of the plane? They wanted information, or a ransom? Brienne trembled at the thought of ending up in the hands of one of the Islamic terrorist cells that dominated the territory, terrified at the idea of what they could do to a woman, an American soldier for more.

 

Podrick had tried a conversation at first, but they were both too sore and scared to have any. At one point, a thought crossed her mind, and with a gesture that tore off  her a loud moan, she opened the small inside pocket of the uniform shirt, only to be it by a touch of joy, the first since it had ended up in that dark hell. The photo was still there. It was not all a beautiful dream, a reality parallel to a terrible and sad one. The only thought of Jaime, and the almost embarrassing relief of finding the photo where he'd left her, tore her a smile in spite of everything. 

 

"Are you laughing?" Podrick's voice caught her completely by surprise; "Excuse me, it's a stupid thing. For a moment, I thought I'd lived all my life in this hole... I was making fun of my own thoughts." Brienne heard Podrick approach and could clearly hear his soft voice "No, it's not stupid. I understand you very well." Brienne felt the slight tremor in his voice, and she wished she could do more for the boy; but how to console someone if she could barely not panic herself? "You’re not alone Podrick. Whatever happens, I’m right by your side." The boy hesitated for a moment "Thank you Brienne."

 

In that moment a metallic noise coming from the front door caught them off guard, and for a moment both were blinded by the light their eyes had not seen for so long. A deep, mellifluous male voice rumbled in the room, and Brienne realized with increasing horror that the voice spoke with a perfect American accent. 

 

"They had left you all this time in the dark? What manners, they’re truly barbarians." Slowly Brienne managed to focus on the slender figure beside her, recognizing the boy who had greeted her on the plane in the slightly uncertain contours of his face; then the figure in front of them became more and more clear, and she managed to make out a middle-aged man, thin and small, with a goatee and an amused expression on his face that made her want to slap him almost immediately. 

 

She had no idea who that man might be, or why he had them locked up. "You have to apologize me for the wait, but I was really busy. If you can be so kind as to confirm your identity." 

 

Brienne stood up, struggling to the wall, trying to ignore the deep pain she felt at every movement "Oh, I wouldn’t do it in your condition" replied the man with a little smile "Stop it!" Brienne screamed angrily "Who are you? Where we are? Why do you keep us locked up here? "

 

The man's gaze passed from Brienne to Podrick. "Oh, didn’t your young friend tell you? I hoped he could spare me these worthless formalities." Podrick gave a resigned sigh, and Brienne looked at him confused “I had an idea about why we could be here..." he said looking at her with a sorry expression "But I didn’t want to believe it, so I didn’t say anything. I know this man..." 

 

The woman could do nothing but move her gaze between Podrick and the unknown man in front of her, more and more confused “What's going on Podrick?" "His name is Petyr Baelish, and his company contacted me a few months ago to offer me a job. I... I'm not a common soldier Brienne, I was sent here by my team to do some research."

 

Brienne stared at him, more and more appalled "Research on what?" It was Baelish who answered this time "On your weapons Miss Tarth. Your buddy here is part of one of the most advanced military engineering groups in the world." Podrick nodded "We are designing new weapons, I was sent on the field to gather information on how to improve the new prototypes, which defects to avoid and what to add... When Mr. Baelish came looking for me I was about to leave for this mission." 

 

The man nodded “And I offered a lot of money to come and work for my company. More than you could see in a lifetime." 

 

Podrick nodded, then turned away the look "It seemed like a good proposal, but then I did some research..." Podrick looked at Brienne "It’s a private company, it's very difficult to enter their databases, but I..." 

 

"He succeeded, our little computer genius." Podrick clenched his jaw for a moment, staring at the man with hatred. "I discovered they were trafficking weapons, delivering them to the terrorists. That's why they wanted me on their side, because I know all the weapons prototypes for the army. But don’t believe to get away with it Mr. Baelish, I have already sent all the material I found to the government, they will take care of you."

 

Petyr laughed, and Brienne felt a hatred for him that she had never felt in her whole life. "I have already intercepted all your pathetic documents and paid someone to make them disappear, naive little boy. Did you really think you could do something?"

 

Brienne stared at the boy's upset expression before turning back to Baelish, when Podrick spoke again "This does not explain why we're still alive... If it was silencing everything that you wanted, why not kill us right away?" 

 

This time it was Brienne who answered "Because he is still interested in the weapons. He wants you to make them." Baelish smiled "See? Your friend here has already figured out how the world goes." 

 

Podrick stood up and took a step toward the man "If you think I'll betray my country, you're wrong, and you can kill me right away." Petyr looked at him again his ironic smile "Oh but I won’t kill you... if you don’t do as I say, it will be Miss Tarth to pay the consequences... Piece by piece."

 

He said that with a smile that made Brienne shiver. Podrick stared at him in astonishment, as if the idea hadn’t even touched him. "I leave you alone to reflect on your situation Mr. Payne, and tomorrow morning you will let me know your choice." 

 

With those words, the man turned and closed the door behind him, leaving the light on in the room, to illuminate the disturbed expressions of Brienne and Podrick.

 

"You cannot do it Pod..." Brienne said with insecure voice "No matter what they do, you can’t let them discover certain things... You just can’t." The boy stared at her with a desperate expression, and Brienne's hand instinctively returned to tighten the photo that she kept in his pocket; never in her life had she been so afraid.

 

 

*****

 

 

"Tyrell... Tyrell wake up." Loras opened his eyes, not quite sure he was awake or still dreaming. "Corporal... what's going on?" The boy's thick voice made the older man smile. 

 

"Come with me boy, we have some news." Loras stood up immediately and followed the corporal into the darkness of the camp, trying not to stumble along the path. Eventually, when they arrived in the big building used for central control, Loras found himself faced with a lot of papers, among which he could not help but notice the file of Brienne and the boy who had helped her to get on the helicopter; seeing his friend's face there, in the midst of all that chaos, made him feel a terrible squeeze in his stomach. It was his photo that should have been there.

 

Corporal Seaworth looked at him impassively. "The good news Tyrell, is that we can say with certainty that Brienne Tarth is still alive. She and the soldier Podrick Payne are the only survivors off the crash." 

 

At that news Loras felt his legs shake, the hope he had tried to hold back until then melted into relief, making his knees tremble. "And the bad news?" The man twisted his lips "We checked Payne’s files, and we found out that it was part of a special unit... a soldier in disguise with the military engineering team. That guy knows how to build and program practically all the weapons we use here." Loras opened his mouth, unsure what those words meant "We think he may be the cause of this accident... or better, his knowledge."

 

"So... Brienne could be dead right now?" All the relief Loras had felt vanished in a moment when the corporal shook his head "We cannot know. We are doing our best to identify the place where they were brought. For now there is nothing left to do but wait." Loras nodded "Thank you corporal."

 

The man nodded and Loras made to leave, his heart heavy as ever, before turning to the corporal "I want to be the first on the list for the research team. " "Certainly Tyrell, I already included you in the list." Loras looked gratefully at the corporal and turned again to leave, but turned again to realize something he should have remembered from the first moment "Corporal, I have another favor to ask you. "

 

 

*****

 

 

"... and so Joanna kept crying all evening until they came back." Jaime shook her head "There was no way to make her calm down." Tyrion snorted loudly as Renly laughed "You're the one who cannot handle a child Jaime! As soon as Tysha took her in her arms, she calmed down immediately." “But she is the mother! I'm sure you too cannot hold her for more than five minutes!"

 

After finishing with the boxes Renly had invited the two brothers to stay for dinner, and it was hours now that they were sitting at the table telling each other everything and more; Renly felt really serene, and for an incredible moment it had been as if nothing had ever happened, as if his leg were still intact, and he was a man like everyone else. 

 

Then he realized, while he was smiling and joking with his two new friends, that was actually even better than that; because even if everything happened, even if a piece of him was lost forever, he still managed to be happy, relieved. He was not sure he could succeed in that anymore.

 

He started to speak, to thank the two men for their help, when his phone rang loudly from the kitchen shelf. Renly smiled and got up without much effort, leaning on the edge of the chair "Hello?" On the other end of the line, disturbed and unclear, he managed to hear the voice of Loras "Renly... It's me, Loras…” "Loras, how nice to hear from you! How did you convince the corporal to let you use the phone?" Jaime's face lit up when he heard the name of the friend Renly and Brienne had in common "Renly... Something terrible happened. "

 

As Renly's face grew darker and more worried, Jaime clearly sensed all the serenity felt in that afternoon slip off of him like a cold shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm finally back! I'm sorry for the delay, but my christmas holidays weren't exactly as calm as I expected them to be. I hope you had wonderful holidays and that you enjoyed the new chapter! As usual let me know what you think, I'll try to update next week as usual! Ciao ;)


	15. Apnea

 

A deep breath. Another one.

 

Jaime had spent the last hour concentrating on those small, essential breaths, because he was firmly convinced that they were the only thing that could keep him together right in that moment.

 

How many hours had  he been in that state? How long had it been since he'd talked to Renly, since he'd been told what happened to Brienne?

 

He breathed again. He looked at the bottle of liquor he had stopped to buy before he got home, his mind so confused that he could not even remember which store he had taken it from, or how he had paid for it. There was a saying at the anonymous alcoholics, a phrase that was repeated continuously, and that he had adopted as a mantra of life until today. In that moment he remembered it only vaguely, something like "go on day per day".

 

At that moment Jaime could not go on day by day, he needed to think of something smaller, minute by minute, second by second. In the end he had decided to go on breath by breath.

 

Since he had stopped drinking, he had never felt such a strong desire to fall back, to get drunk until he lost any kind of lucidity. He wanted to stop thinking, to stop existing, to stop feeling all those emotions that were buzzing inside him.

 

He opened his eyes and took another deep breath, staring at the bottle again, feeling a strong anger as never before in his life, not even when he had realized that his career was over. "Damn it," he said in a whisper. 

 

He could not drink there, seated on that couch where she had sat. Where she had looked him in the eye and told him she believed in him, that she really thought he was a good person. He could not betray her trust like that.

 

"Damn it!" He shouted this time, taking the bottle and throwing it against the wall, shattering the glass in a thousand pieces and overturning the liquor on the wall, the carpet, the furniture, giving him so much satisfaction that he could not scratch his anger in the least... Honor slipped quickly from the chair where he was sleeping and ran out with a jerk, but Jaime barely saw him, concentrated as he was in trying not to throw away all the furniture from his home in despair.

 

He slumped back on the sofa, passing his hand over his face, noting with a slight surprise that his cheeks were streaked with tears. He hadn’t noticed that he had started crying. A part of him was trying to get up, to whisper to his mind full of chaos that had to be quiet, that Brienne was not dead, that she was only lost, and that there was still hope. But in his heart the predominant feeling was the anger at that moment, anger towards the destiny that had once again decided to take away from him the only beautiful thing he had, towards her, who had wanted to return to that cursed place, towards him, who felt so unable to hold on to his life, so useless while everything was falling apart.

 

When Renly had told him what had happened, for a moment he had laughed, convinced that he was making fun of him. He hadn’t wanted to believe immediately in his serious and sad look, even though he had already realized that it could not be good news. He had felt Tyrion's hand squeeze his shoulder, while his brother asked Renly how it could have happened, while he had remained silent, unable to speak, to realize that it was really happening. He remembered that he had got up and had left the house, regardless of the words of the other two. Then he had found himself at home, with a bottle in his hand and a huge void inside.

 

It just seemed impossible that such a thing had happened to Brienne, to them... those were things you hear on the news, that you see in the movies, but never Jaime would have thought of living them in person. You never even thought of falling in love with a girl by simply reading her letters, he reminded himself. 

 

It was all so absurd, and he had no idea what to do, how to behave. He picked up the phone and realized with dismay that it was four o'clock in the morning; but he was not sleepy, he was not hungry, or thirsty... he could not feel anything at that moment but a dull chest pain that he could not diminish.

 

He looked absently at the list of missed calls, from Renly, Tyrion, even from Tysha, and only after a few minutes of reflection he decided to listen to the messages that they had left him.

 

The first was from Tyrion, and when his raspy and slightly uncertain voice resounded in his ear, Jaime realized that this was probably the first message his brother left him on the answering machine. "Jaime... I ... I'm really sorry for what happened. But Brienne is a tough girl, I'm sure she will manage. I’m here for you, okay? Tysha and Joanna send you a hug. Call me."

 

The second was by Renly, and Jaime knew immediately from his voice that he must be as upset as he was. "Jaime, I'm sorry you left like this; I know it's not easy, I more than many others can understand what it means. I know you feel useless right now, but there's nothing we can do, not from here. I tried to call anyone I know to learn something more, but they do not tell me anything, it's like I've become a stranger to them, damn it! But Loras told me they have a track, and if there's anyone who will not give up until he finds her, it's Loras. Brienne is like a sister to him. And if I know my men I can tell you that she will do anything to go home. That girl is more stubborn than a mule." The laughter that came from Jaime's lips sounded more like a sob, while his one hand was almost spasmodically squeezed around the phone. "I'll call you as soon as I hear from him. But do not hesitate to call me, for anything. We'll bring her back to home Jaime, it's a promise."

 

Jaime remained alone again with his thoughts, terrible and confused, while a thousand and more scenarios came to his mind, each one worse than the other. He could not continue like this. He got up from the couch with difficulty, poured some crunches into the Honor’s bowl and left it out of the house, in case the big cat was back and hungry. Then he retrieved the box in which he kept the letters of Brienne and began to read them one by one, trying to feel as close to her as possible, hoping she could feel somehow, that he was there for her.

 

 

*****

 

Brienne took a deep breath before trying to stand up, her hand resting on the dusty wall next to her. "I don’t think that's a good idea." Podrick looked at her worriedly, but Brienne glared at him again “If I spend another moment sitting still, I think I could die" Podrick nodded, but he looked at her with a worried expression as she tried somehow to move without weighing too heavily on her aching leg.

 

"I'm so sorry Brienne. It's all my fault if we're in this situation... you, the other guys on the helicopter. I should have talked first. This man... I, I didn’t think he was capable of something so despicable."

 

Brienne was silent for a moment before answering, trying to take a breath after the effort "It's not your fault Pod, it is not at all. This man, this Petyr Baelish... is a fool. You absolutely must not reveal him anything." Podrick was silent for a few minutes before he found the courage to reply." I'm afraid he’s not joking Brienne. He will hurt you." Brienne looked into his eyes, surprised once again how young he was, how frightened he looked; was that the expression she also wore on her face? She tried to be strong, not to give up, but she could not ignore the terrible feeling of fear that gripped her guts.

 

She tried to behave the most confident that she could, and despite the difficulty of the moment, she believed more than anything in the words she spoke to him "I can bear the pain. I could not bear to betray my country. Please Podrick, don’t say anything. "

 

Podrick made a verse that Brienne could not make out clearly, halfway between a nod and a sob, and she reached out and squeezed his hand, in a gesture of comfort she would had found strange a short time before. "You'll see that everything will be alright. We are not alone."

 

 

*****

 

 

"Are there any news?" Loras asked for the fifth time in almost an hour. All that waiting was killing him. The Corporal looked at him with a disagreeable expression. "No, Tyrell, and as I told you the other four times, if we discover anything, I will come to tell you personally." Loras barely restrained himself from hitting his feet on the ground like a child; it did not happen often, but at that moment he would have liked to have his sister next to him. He had begged Renly to warn her of the situation, since he had been given only a single phone call, and he had also written to her, but it was not the same thing. Margaery would have taken over the situation, would have managed to find a solution, she had always succeeded in that.

 

"And Tyrell..." Loras looked up, turning away those thoughts "I thought the call of the other day was for a relative of Brienne." Loras blushed violently, knowing he had told a lie to his superior "Brienne has no relative in life sir. I called..." "You called Captain Baratheon yes... I sensed it because he doesn’t let pass a second now without trying to get in touch with me or our superiors." Loras blushed even more, looking down "He's only worried about Brienne." "He has no right to know what's going on here, not anymore." Loras looked up, looking at the corporal with a hint of anger "This is not right, he's..." "He's just a civilian now Tyrell. I do not accept discussions about it. We have other things to think about; now come back to your place. I'll come and tell you if there's news."

 

Loras hurried away, furious with himself for putting his friend in troubles, but Renly had to know, he deserved to know. And someone had to warn Jaime, he thought with a hint of concern. Who knows how the news from Brienne had been taken. He went to the shooting range, eager to let off some steam. That night he hadn’t slept except for a few hours, and that had been a disturbed sleep full of nightmares. The sense of guilt gripped him like never before.

 

He emptied a whole loader almost at random, without aiming precisely, content only to hear the roar of the bullets around him, so strong as to cover his thoughts. With the second he was more precise, trying to channel the anger and frustration he had felt in those days, shooting with every breath. It was something that Brienne had taught him when he was still a beginner, and held his breath for all the time he fired; she had told him that he had to keep breathing, to do it every time a stroke started, so that the weapon became almost one with her body. From that moment on, his aim had improved considerably, and probably also his chances of survival.

 

He was so focused on the target that he didn’t hear the person approach his shoulders until he finished the bullets and stopped to reload. "Corporal! How long have you been here?" The man smiled "Enough to see you can do your job Tyrell." Loras shrugged and stood up. "We found out something. As we thought, the attack was premeditated, the boy was their target. But now we have to understand who is behind it. In the attack on the city we have captured some men. I wanted to hear their opinions about this attack. Do you want to come with me?" Loras nodded convinced "Good, meet me in an hour in front of the command tent." Loras raised his hand in greeting "Yes sir, thank you."

 

 

*****

 

 

When the cell door opened with a thud, both Brienne and Podrick jumped for the surprise, and Brienne felt a cold shiver down her spine. Petyr Baelish came in with a mellifluous smile, followed by a tall man with a machine gun in his hand. The man, Brienne judged from his look, was from here. "So, how are my guests? Have you slept well?" Neither Brienne nor Podrick replied, remaining impassive to Baelish's cordial expression; Brienne suddenly remembered a snake, and felt an instinctive urge to withdraw, but he continued undeterred "I hope the night brought you advice." The man looked at Podrick, but it was Brienne who spoke "We have no intention of telling you anything." The boy next to her just nodded, and Baelish's smile wavered slightly.

 

Then Brienne had just the time to see the metallic reflection of the weapon that the man had picked up before she felt a stabbing pain in her right foot, which made her completely lose the already precarious balance she had and fall to the ground. 

 

Baelish remained impassive "I was not talking to you miss. But with my friend Podrick. So Pod, we want to start talking about business or do I have to fill your friend with bullets? I have no time to waste." Podrick took one look at her to realize that she had not changed her mind, and remained silent.

 

Baelish nodded to the man next to him, who approached Brienne with a sure step. Podrick tried to get between him and the woman, but the other hit him in the abdomen with a kick and rolled him to the ground, away from her "Careful, I need him unarmed". The man did not answer, but he put his foot on Brienne's chest, exactly where her cracked ribs were, and began to push. In spite of herself, Brienne began to scream after a few seconds.

 

"Enough!" Podrick stood up, and looked at Brienne and Baelish with a desperate expression "It's not necessary." He approached Brienne, who was now breathing hard with pain "I can stand the dishonor of betrayal. I can’t bear to see anyone suffer because of me." He turned back to Baelish "I'll give you what you want."

 

The boot left Brienne's chest at a sign from Baelish, who smiled again "See? It didn’t take so long. Podrick, you will now come with me, and you will make a list of the material you need. You," he said to the man next to Brienne "Get her back on track. Our friend will need a helper. "Brienne had just time to see Podrick come out of the door followed by Baelish before she fainted.

 

 

*****

 

 

"What does it mean?" Jaime wanted to send Renly to hell on the other side of the phone line, but was silent while the friend was talking "It's been days I've been trying to contact Brienne’s Corporal or someone from the command center, but I have not received any answers. Or at least nothing exhaustive. They've all been vague since they realized I’m no longer in service." "Damn." Jaime passed the stump close to his face, mimicking an automatic gesture that made him even more irritated. He realized that it must have been days since he had not shaved... or that he took a moment to look in the mirror.

 

 

"Do you think they are afraid of a leak of news?" Renly snorted "More than anything else I think they are in the dark. Loras told me that this... this Podrick Payne was an important pawn, someone wanted to steal it from the army, and only God knows what they're doing right now. But it seems they have not yet figured out who they're dealing with." "How is it possible? They’re fighting the terrorist, it must be them!" Jaime had never understood anything about that war, and only now realized how profound and worrying his ignorance was; against whom were they fighting?

 

Renly hesitated for a moment before answering "It's not that easy. Someone must have warned them that Payne was right there on that plane. They fear that there is a mole in their ranks." "But you told me they did not give you any information." Renly gave a strangled laugh "In fact, but when you've been in it for a while like me, you know how they think. They are trying to figure out who betrayed them. They could... they..." Jaime sensed the worried note in Renly's voice. "They could what?" "They might even suspect Brienne." Jaime remained in a dazed silence for a moment "How? Why? It is unthinkable! Damn bastards!"

 

"Jaime, calm down. We don’t know anything yet, but think about it. She was in the helicopter with them, she is the only survivor apart from Podrick. I didn’t say that she has anything to do with this, you know I could never think of it, but they do not know her like us. They could investigate Brienne's life." "Then they will not find anything. Brienne would never have done such a thing. She would rather die." "I know, I know. But until the mole comes out, they will suspect everyone. And they will not reveal anything, especially to us."

 

Jaime was silent for a few seconds "They should not waste time on these things. They should investigate Payne’s past ." 

 

"I think so too... I've never felt so useless in my life... Locked here while she... if I had been there maybe it would not have happened." Jaime felt prey of the same sense of impotence "It was not your fault... I, I think about it too. Before she left, I asked her to stay, to stay here with me. But she went anyway. I should have insisted more."

 

Renly laughed, but there was no joy in his voice. "You know how she is. She would never stay.” Jaime felt his eyes pinch at the thought of the last smile she had addressed him; What if it was the last one ever? "Renly I... I have to go, I'm sorry. Call me if there are any news."

 

Jaime closed the conversation without waiting for an answer, and stood there, standing in the middle of his house without having the slightest idea of what to do. If only he had been smarter, more shrewd, maybe he could have done something, looking for information, but he had never been any of this... It was not even tough enough to do such a thing. He stopped for a moment the thread of his thoughts when he realized that he knew exactly the person he could go for help. What he needed at that moment, what Brienne needed, was not a hero, but the queen of bitches.

 

 

*****

 

 

Cersei arched her eyebrows more than usual when he stepped head down into her office "Jaime! Long time no see..." Cersei's voice was full of sarcasm, but Jaime swallowed the toad without replying, he could not afford to stand up to his sister, not that day.

 

"Cersei... I need your help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I hope the chapter is worth the wait! As usual let me know your thoughts with a comment if you want, I wish you all a great week :D! Ciao!


	16. Hope

"Cersei... I need your help."

Cersei's sarcastic expression died in her face when she saw her brother's expression. It must have been the dark circles under his eyes, he thought absently, or the evident desperation in his features. She motioned for him to come in and sit down, and he did it without a word.

 

"What's up Jaime? If you need money you know that Dad... " "It's not for that." He told her, really looking at her for the first time since he'd arrived, or maybe for years.

 

Cersei looked tired, the light that had pervaded her face when both of them were younger seemed to have disappeared, dissipated by the work that sucked all lifeblood like a parasite; he wondered when was the last time he had asked her how she was. But that was not the moment.

 

"It's Brienne." The spark of concern that he had seen for a moment in her eyes completely disappeared when she heard that name "Your... friend." Jaime didn’t look down "She's more than a friend to me."

 

Cersei raised his eyes to the sky "Once you had more taste, Jaime." "Once, I was a fool. I don’t need your comments Cersei, if you want to help me well, otherwise I can leave. "

 

He started to get up but his sister's voice stopped him. "Wait. Tell me what it is." Jaime sat down again, breathing deeply. "Brienne recently returned to service and was sent on a mission. The helicopter she was on crashed down, and she disappeared, along with another soldier. "

 

Cersei squeezed her lips for a moment "I don’t see how I could help you. I know nothing about soldiers and the army." Jaime shook his head "The boy who was with her, he wasn’t an ordinary soldier. He knew about confidential information about weapons, or something like that. "

 

Jaime had never felt so useless as in this moment. "There's someone behind everything that happened, it’s not a coincidence. The person behind must be someone who had first contacted the boy to try to make him talk, but they, the military, can’t figure out who it is."

 

Cersei laughed "And I should do it? Why do you think I would be more successful?" "Because you're good at these things, Cersei, you've always been. I'm not asking you anything, just to investigate the boy, to see if you can find something. Just this."

 

Jaime was silent for a moment, staring into his sister's eyes, hoping that some part of her would still hold on to him. "I know that lately our relationship was not the best. I was suffering, I was... I was in a very, very dark place. But you Cersei, you didn’t do anything to help me, if not look at me with contempt every time your glance fell on my hand. I can no longer be the man I was, the boy who ended up in the newspapers and on television, the one that gave you fame and success; that part of me is lost forever. And you should accept it, as I did."

 

Cersei didn’t reply, and Jaime felt his strength grow with every word he spoke; he would no longer be silent. "If there is still something that binds you to me Cersei, if you still care about me, you need to accept the man I am now, that Brienne has helped me to become. She was there when you turned your back on me, and now I want to do the same with her, but I cannot do it alone. If you still love me, sister, you are in debt with her too. Please help me. Just take a look at the guy’s file." Jaime passed her some notes Renly had been able to collect about Podrick Payne. It wasn’t much, but he hoped it would be enough.

 

His sister didn’t answer for long seconds, so that Jaime worried about having exaggerated. He knew that his sister was not a sentimental woman, but he didn’t remember ever having seen her so distressed; perhaps the truth had hit her harder than she could imagine.

 

"I... I have to think about it Jaime. I have a reputation to defend, the name of our family that you didn’t want to carry on. I can not risk all the firm for you. It’s not just me at stake. This is my insurance for my children, it's for them that I'm creating an empire." Cersei looked at him in the eyes for the first time really since he had entered his office "I can not risk everything. Not even for you."

 

And Jaime could see the sincere displeasure in her eyes. He wanted to get angry, but deep down he understood his sister. Cersei was like a lioness, she would do everything to protect her little ones. He lowered his head and pressed his lips in a fake smile.

 

"I understand Cersei. Thank you for your time. "

 

He could barely hear her when she called him back, holding the door handle "Jaime."

 

He turned to look at her, amazed to hear so much emotion in her voice "I really hope she’s fine."

  
  


Jaime didn’t answer, his throat stuck at the thought that it could be otherwise.

 

 

*****

 

 

Brienne slowly regained consciousness, her head heavy like a boulder, her body sore and inert on the ground. The first thing she noticed when she opened her eyes was the narrow white bandage she wore at her foot, where Baelish man had hit her. Her foot was burning, but the pain in her ribs had diminished; someone must have heavily sedated her.

  
  


"Brienne, thank goodness you woke up." She tried to turn her head toward the voice, but the movement was too abrupt and her vision was filled with many small white dots before she could even understand from where the voice came from.

  
  


"Slowly, slowly." She felt Pod's hands help her gently to lean against the rock, while her sight returned to normal. The boy’s serious face entered her vision, his eyes full of concern.

  
  


"I have food." Brienne felt her stomach twist at the thought "It’s better not, maybe later. Water?"

  
  


Her throat felt dry like the desert around them, her voice rough and broken; Pod hurried to give her a half-full bottle, and Brienne slowly drank all the contents, careful not to choke.

  
  


"I'm sorry about that..." Pod bowed his head, unable to look into her eyes. "I couldn’t just stand there and watch them while they tortured you. I would like to be braver, like you are, but I had to do something."

  
  


Brienne raised her arm and lifted his face with her fingertips "I think you're brave Pod. A good soldier. If I were you… I don’t think I could ever watch my friends suffer if there’s anything I can do to avoid it... Thanks for saving me. But we must find a solution; we can’t allow that man to get what he wants."

  
  


Pod shook his head "He showed me what he has here Brienne... It's a real armory. He only needs someone to program the weapons and is ready to drop missiles on every base from here to our house. He's a fool... He wants to burn the world and be the king of the ashes. There is nothing we can do."

  
  


Brienne remained silent for a long time, trying to think of a possible solution, but her mind continued to bring her back to the same point, to the tragic, terrible truth: she was going to die in that cell. She would never see Jaime, Renly, and Loras again... Loras, who had almost replaced her in that hell; she thanked the heavens for keeping him safe.

  
  


She tried to think about her father, what he would do in her place, but even that seemed useless. She looked at Pod, his gaze lost in who knows what thoughts, his hands intertwined to tighten his knees to his chest. He was just a kid; a brilliant boy, but little more than a child. He still had a whole life in front of him. And she... she finally had someone waiting for her at home.

  
  


She would have liked to have Jaime's letters with her, to read and reread them, to get the courage she needed to do what had to be done. But she had only her memories, the shadow of his caresses on her face, the image of him next to her when she woke up after the last night they had spent together.

  
  


She took a deep breath, trying to submerge the pain that gripped her heart. "Pod, do you have access to tools while you're in the lab?" Pod looked at her confused "Tools?"

  
  


"Tools, anything that might look like a weapon." "There's a toolbox. I think they use it to repair the hardware... There could be screwdrivers. "

  
  


Brienne nodded "Very good. Do you think you can bring one in here?" Pod looked into her eyes trying to figure out what plan she could have in mind "They watch me all the time."

  
  


Brienne grabbed him by the wrist, approaching him "I didn’t ask you this Pod." The boy looked down "I think I can do it." Brienne let him go, resting her back, wet with sweat, on the wall behind her.

  
  


"But there are too many men, Brienne. This place is a fortress, and you want to try to escape with a... a screwdriver? "

  
  


Brienne realized that it sounded ridiculous. What Pod didn’t understand was that the real objective of her plan was only for him to escape. "I know Pod. But we must try. I cannot stay still while Baelish gets what he wants."

  
  


"You're hurt." Pod vaguely pointed to her whole body; Brienne was aware of being weaker than she’d never been. "It doesn’t matter. I can stifle the pain. But you Pod, you have to suffocate your fear. If you really want to get us out of here, you have to do as I tell you. Otherwise, we’re dead, and with us all our friends, our families. There's a lot more going on in our lives."

  
  


Pod nodded "I'm ready for anything." Brienne hoped it was true. "Tomorrow when they bring you back to the lab, try to look around you. Find a way out, memorize the way. And find a weapon. Anything Pod, we need it."

  
  


"And then?" Pod's voice was anxious "Then we'll see. We can do it Pod." You can do it Pod, Brienne thought. She would have sent him out of that place at any cost. The boy tried a half smile and Brienne nodded, answering him with what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

 

Now there was nothing left but to wait.

 

*****

 

 

Loras dropped to the ground, his face covered with small drops of sweat. He had just left the tent where, for hours, they had tried in vain to make the soldiers they had captured speak. None of them seemed to have a vague idea of where Brienne and Payne could be, and Loras was inclined to believe they weren’t lying; Seaworth's methods had not been exactly kind.

  
  


The corporal came out of the tent, wiping his face with a handkerchief. Loras managed to notice the captain's initials embroidered with a skillful hand in the fabric, and he smiled at the thought of how such detail was out of tune with the surrounding environment.

  
  


Seaworth intercepted his gaze and smiled in turn "My wife, Marya did it. She made a dozen, always insists that I bring at least one with me, according to her, it brings me luck. "

  
  


Loras looked up. "Is that true?" "The only real luck I had was marrying her, she's a wonderful woman. She gave me seven children." The man smiled sweetly and Loras was baffled for a moment; it was hard to reconcile the hard and severe man with whom he had collaborated in the last few days with the man before him at that moment.

  
  


"I lost two of them here. They always wanted to go on patrol together... and one day there was a mine and..." The man looked down, obviously unable to continue.

  
  


Loras looked down too, unable to stare at the man who spoke in a broken voice, "I'm very sorry sir." The corporal shook his head, almost recovering "They died doing their duty, I'm very proud of them."

  
  


Seaworth put a hand on his shoulder "I know what it means, Tyrell, losing someone you love."

  
  


Loras raised his head, looking at the corporal in the eyes, perhaps for the first time since they met "Brienne is not dead."

  
  


The man nodded "Nobody hopes that more than me, son. But she knew what she was doing. Stop damning your soul, it neither helps you nor her,  and I tell you that after I tormented myself for a very long time."

  
  


Loras stood up, trying to gather the little dignity he still felt he still possessed: his eyes were shiny again "Thank you sir."

  
  


"And now you go to sleep Tyrell, these people have no idea who is behind their orders, they must be shepherds recruited from the mountains after they have been given a machine gun. Tomorrow we should scour this damned desert, and we need to be in shape."

  
  


Loras nodded and greeted the superior, wondering if he could really sleep with all the thoughts he had in mind. A useless doubt, as he collapsed as soon as his head touched the pillow.

 

 

*****

 

 

"There is no news?"

  
  


Jaime squeezed the phone, trying to find a tone of voice that was less desperate than he was at that moment, he didn’t want to alarm Tyrion.

  
  


"None. Renly keeps me updated, but now they don’t even answer his calls anymore."

  
  


"Jaime... I'm so sorry. If you need anything, anything, Tysha and I are here for you."

  
  


Jaime tried to ignore the knot that he felt in his throat, which had oppressed his breathing since that nightmare began, but he was too tired, too desperate.

  
  


"Tyrion, I don’t know if I can handle it." The silence on the other side of the line only lasted a few seconds longer than usual. "Jaime, I know it's hard, but..."

  
  


"It is not hard Tyrion, it is inconceivable. The thought that she could… not be there anymore... It is consuming me. Before she came into my life... I wasn’t worth anything. And now... that's exactly how I feel. "

  
  


"Jaime, you don’t have to give up hope, you know better than anyone else that Brienne is a strong woman."

  
  


"Yes, yes. But I don’t know how strong I can be without her. She didn’t even need to be with me..." Jaime tried to hold back a sob "It was enough to think of her, however distant, unattainable, to feel better, to be better. I can’t lose her too, Tyrion. I can’t."

  
  


"You won’t lose her, Jaime. You’ll see. You have to stay strong, for her. Because she would like that. "

  
  


Jaime took a deep breath, trying to calm down "You're right. I’m sorry Tyrion."

  
  


"There's nothing to apologize for. If it had happened to Tysha... I think I would be reduced worse than you, big brother. Can I come to see you tomorrow?"

  
  


Jaime didn’t feel in the mood to get visits, but he didn’t want to be alone either "Of course, I would like it. See you tomorrow Tyrion, give a kiss to your women for me."

  
  


"It will be done. Everything will be fine, Jaime, you'll see."

 

Jaime closed the communication and collapsed on the sofa, where Honor awaited him half asleep. Seeing him, the cat began to purr noisily, as if to console him, and Jaime smiled slightly as he scratched his big head.

  
  


He was supposed to go and train the high school team the next day, but he had called the principal asking for sick days; he didn’t feel able to do anything at that moment, if not to wait and stare into space. He felt hopeless.

  
  


The phone rang on the table in front of him, and Jaime thought it must have been Renly, with another meaningless update of the situation, but when he looked at the display, he realized that the number was unknown.

  
  


"Yes?"

  
  


"I do not have much time, so listen carefully"

  
  


"Cersei?"

  
  


"Shut up, don’t say my name. I'm calling you from a public telephone, but we can never know."

  
  


"What's going on?" Jaime stood up, feeling the anxiety in his sister's voice.

  
  


"This is the only favor I can do for you, I can’t go further, so don’t contact me anymore until this story is over."

  
  


"I don’t understand, I..."

  
  


"Brienne’s friend was waving the water. He tried to send encrypted files to the government on the illegal arms trade of a large American company, but they were intercepted. The name you’re looking for is the Arryn Company, their CEO is Petyr Baelish. He's your man."

  
  


A rush of adrenaline shook Jaime at the revelation.

  
  


"I don’t know how to thank you…"

  
  


"Be careful, Jaime, they are dangerous people..."

  
  


"Of course I..." The line became silent on the other side; his sister had hung up. Jaime stood motionless for a moment before dialing Renly's number with a trembling hand. Finally, he could do something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I know, I usually don't update during the week but since I went back to Italy this weekend I didn't have time to update on Sunday! Now that I'm back in the cold french clime, I didn't want to make you wait until next Sunday! There are only three chapters left, and the last one it's really short (it's a little epilogue) so the story is really coming to an end... I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you find it a little different from the last one, it's probably because almost a year passed between them (I'm the worst XD). As usual, let me know your impressions! I'll see you next time, ciao!


	17. Escape

"Nothing yet?" The silence on the other end of the line was endless while Renly held his breath "Nothing. None of the men we've captured seem to know where Brienne and the other boy are... There are patrols searching in the desert, but you know how it is…” Loras's voice sounded tired, the kind of tone Renly had learned to know, as it was rare from Loras, with his usual cheerful and carefree personality, that now seemed to have disappeared completely.

 

 

"You don’t have enough men." He almost seemed to see Loras nod, the light curls that fell on his broad forehead. "In addition, we are subjected to constant attacks these days in the city. I don’t think it's a coincidence, whoever they are, they don’t want to be found." Someone knocked loudly on the door before Renly could reply. "I have to go Loras... Let me know as soon as you get any update..."

 

 

"Renly wait one second..." Renly stopped, not quite used to hearing the man call him by his first name "What happened to Brienne made me realize that... all this, all I have, is so fragile, it could disappear in a moment... And before it’s too late I want to tell you that I... "

 

 

"Wait" Renly could hear the beating of his heart ringing in his ears, a sudden flush color his face "Not like this, not now. When you come back, we'll talk then." "But I..." "Me too. But it's not the right time. We’ll see when you come back... I'll wait for you, Loras."

 

 

The line became silent on the other side, and Renly wondered for a moment if Loras had actually heard the last sentence he said, before the umpteenth knock at the door brought him back to reality. He stood up with difficulty on his healthy leg, trying to ignore the sudden adrenaline rush, his heart still beating wildly in his chest.

 

 

"I’m coming, I’m coming!"

 

 

He was only slightly surprised to see Jaime when he opened the door, soaking wet and with a strange light in his eyes "Jaime... Did you come here on foot?" Jaime waved the stump entering like a small fury in the small apartment "I can’t drive, and I had something important to tell you."

 

 

Renly looked at him confused and Jaime smiled at him "I know how to find Brienne."

 

 

*****

 

 

"So let me understand... Your brilliant plan would be to kidnap a kid, the son of the owner of one of the best-known industries in the country and force him to tell us where his CEO, who is actually an evil arms dealer who kidnapped Brienne and the kid-gun boy, is?"

  
  


 

"Exactly" Jaime looked at his brother and Renly without a shadow of doubt in the face, and Tyrion ran his hand through his hair "I had to understand when you called me here at one o'clock that you had been drinking." Jaime looked at his brother with a wounded expression "I'm sober Tyrion, and completely lucid. It’s the only way to understand where Brienne is located. Renly told me that the soldiers couldn’t find anything... Every second we lose could mean the end for Brienne." Jaime's voice broke for a moment at the thought, and Tyrion's gaze softened.

  
  


 

"I know Jaime... But you’re talking about breaking the law. I just became a father, I can’t go to jail." Jaime shook his head "I'm not asking you to participate, but to help me find someone that could lend me a hand... Literally." Tyrion rolled his eyes and Renly shook the head, trying to mask a half smile.

  
  


 

"Renly I was trusting you especially... A former military man maybe, someone who owes you a favor." Renly shook her head "I don’t know anyone here. All my contacts are still in the army and I doubt they would like to participate in such a thing."

 

 

"I could ask somebody..." Tyrion muttered under his breath, and Jaime looked at him in surprise. "He's not a friendly guy, but for the right amount he'll do what you ask." "How do you know him?" Tyrion shook his head "You don’t want to know that. And don’t tell Tysha about all this, okay?"

 

 

Jaime shook his head "Not a word, brother. So, what's your friend's name?" Tyrion breathed deeply "His name is Bronn..."

 

 

*****

 

 

Podrick looked around as the computer screen in front of him continued to shine, compiling the latest algorithms he had just finished writing. He had tried to pull it as long as possible, but there was always someone ready to check that he did his job, and he didn’t want to risk any repercussions on Brienne. She pretended to be fine, but it was obvious to Podrick that she was at the end of her strength.

 

 

He looked for the thousandth time in a matter of a few hours, at the little toolbox on the other side of the room, trying to think of a way to get there without being detected by the guard on duty, who didn’t take his eyes off him even for a moment.

 

 

Suddenly a dull noise from some room further away made the guard's gaze move towards the door, while the noise continued to increase. The man glanced at him and back to the door before deciding to go and see what was happening.

 

 

In the end, it was only a few moments, which at Podrick seemed as long as a sultry summer in southern Texas, where he had grown up, and which cost him the same amount of sweat. As the man opened the door, holding the machine gun in his hand, Podrick slid silently toward the little box, opening it without looking, his eyes still fixed on the man's back in front of him. He seemed to be back when he was a child, playing one of his cousins' favorite games, where he had to put a hand in a closed box and try to guess the hidden objects inside.

  
  


 

Almost sure he had laid his hand on what he was looking for, Podrick took the object out of the box with the utmost caution, slipping it into his pants pocket, hoping his crumpled uniform was big enough to conceal the object. He returned to his seat a moment before the man turned back to him, closing the door and returning to his seat, evidently unaware of the sweat pouring down on Podrick's face.

 

 

When, hours later, the guard decided to bring him back to his cell with food for him and Brienne, he was surprised to see a large bruise on the woman's face "So, did my diversion work?" she whispered, and Podrick nodded trying to keep from rushing to hug her. Brienne smiled at him, and for the first time since he had woken up in that damp cell Podrick felt a shred of hope growing in him.

 

 

*****

 

 

"So, you must be the jerk who hired me." Bronn looked at him from head to toe with an irritating smile as he took the cigarette to his mouth with a bored expression. Jaime flew over the insult, approaching him in the darkness of the dirty pub where Tyrion had told him he would find him "Exactly. And from what my brother told me, I'm talking to an expert."

  
  


 

Bronn shrugged his shoulders with what Jaime judged a very old leather jacket "I can do my job. And thank your brother if I decided to meet you, I usually do not move for such little things." Jaime sighed "I don’t want to know what happened between you and Tyrion. But I would really appreciate it if we could speed things up, I'm in a hurry."

 

 

Bronn slightly raised his eyebrows. "Very good, then let me see my money." Jaime sighed and pulled out the envelope with the money Renly and Tyrion had managed to scrape together in such a short time. Bronn took it without a fold and quickly counted the bills, looking like someone used to do it. With a slight shiver down his back, Jaime wondered in what kind of trouble he was putting himself in, before the smiling image of Brienne took over his mind. It was worth it for her.

 

 

"So I have to find this Robert Arryn, get over his bodyguards to force him to reveal the coordinates of the very secret bunker his company has in the desert, all without understanding who I am and who sends me... That's it?" Bronn arched eyebrows and Jaime nodded "It would also be a great help if it could be done tonight. Do you think you can do it? "

 

 

The man in front of him shook his head laughing "Do I look like an amateur? I'll call you when I find the information, and rest assured I'll find it." Jaime let out a sigh of relief and started to get up before Bronn held him back, squeezing his wrist "One last thing, before you go."

 

 

Jaime looked him in the eyes for a long moment before the man decided to speak "I want an autograph... Fucking Jaime Lannister, when would that happen to me again?" The tension that Jaime had felt up to that moment broke, and laughed at the man in front of him "A fan of the Giants?"

 

 

Bronn's lips curled in a grimace. "Fuck no, baseball is for pussy. But I know who will pay me well for this."

 

 

*****

 

 

Brienne awoke from the pain, another burning bruise since that nightmare had began. Her ankle was still on fire and no part of her body seemed to be better than that. Her right cheekbone pulsed rhythmically with every beat of her heart and her eyes watered for a moment before she could compose herself properly.

 

 

Today was the day. Podrick had told her that his programming work was almost over, and they could not afford to wait any longer. In addition every moment she passed, she felt weaker, and could not risk her strength failing her when she needed it most.

 

 

She looked at Podrick, who was still sleeping next to her. It would take another couple of hours for the guards to come back for him, and Brienne decided to enjoy those last moments of peace, perhaps the last moments of her life. She thought of his father, of his old and familiar smile, of the sweetness with which he had always treated her. She could see clearly in her mind the last image she had of him, standing in front of the porch of the house, as he greeted her. She was leaving for the umpteenth mission, and he had remained on the porch looking at her until her car had vanished on the horizon. He died a month later, suddenly, without her being able to say goodbye, without being able to tell him how much she loved him.

 

 

Those words blocked the river of his thoughts, thinking of how many other goodbyes she would leave hanging. She would not hear Loras's laughter, Renly's reassuring voice... She thought of Jaime, how his face was becoming blurry in her mind, how she wanted to have more time to memorize every curve of his smile, every line of his face. She would have liked to wait for her kidnappers to turn on the light, just to take one last look at the picture she still held close to her chest, the only certainty in that confusion that now revolved around her. But there was no more time for that, there was no time for her.

 

 

*****

 

 

"Bronn?"

  
  


"Shut up idiot, don’t say my name!" A sigh from the other side of the line.

  
  


"Do you have paper and pen I'm going to tell you the coordinates."Jaime struggled to find a block and a pen in the chaos that had become his home, barely holding the telephone receiver with his shoulder. "I’m ready"

  
  


The man dictated the numbers that Jaime had waited for long agonizing hours, and made him repeat them three times - he could not be wrong. "Has it been difficult?"

  
  


Bronn laughed "Are you kidding? The easiest money I've ever done! That little brat began to sing the second I knocked out his guards." Jaime sighed relieved "So you didn’t have to hurt him, right?"

  
  


A moment of silence from the other side of the line "I didn’t say that. But nothing permanent,  you can relax, heart of gold." Jaime sighed "Well, thank you."

  
  


"You know where to find me stumpy. See you next time."

  
  


Jaime hoped with all his heart that they would never speak again. He held the piece of paper in his hand with reverence for a second before dialing Renly's number.

 

 

*****

 

 

When the guard opened the cell door, Brienne and Podrick were ready. In spite of the pain on both legs Brienne had managed to get back on her feet, waiting cautiously by the door.

  
  


 

Podrick was at the entrance, next to a pile of blankets that was supposed to pass for her - Brienne hoped the darkness around them would help them. "Help me! She does not breathe!" Podrick yelled at the guard, and when the man passed over Brienne without noticing her, she attacked him from behind, sticking the screwdriver into his neck. The hand that she had promptly brought into the man's mouth filled with blood as she masked his last gasps, and before they could notice the guard fell to the ground, dead.

 

 

There was no time to think about what she had just done, and Brienne threw herself on the corpse in search of his weapons before anyone noticed what was happening. She grabbed the machine gun that the man carried on his shoulder and handed it to Podrick, who had run immediately to his side.

 

 

"Podrick, now listen to me. If I tell you to run, you run for the exit as fast as you can, agree?" Podrick nodded, but Brienne wanted to make sure the boy understood. "Whatever's going on Pod, do you understand me? It doesn’t matter if I'm dying, if they caught me or worse... if I tell you to run, run like the wind far away from this place."

  
  


 

"But I..." "No but Pod. There is much more to it than our life at stake. Abandon me if necessary, let me die, but save yourself. And if you cannot... "Brienne could not finish the sentence, but Podrick understood the same "I'll keep a bullet for me Brienne. I will do what you say, don’t worry."

  
  


 

Brienne hesitated just a few seconds before she hugged the boy "If I had to die, you must do something for me Pod." "It will not happen Brienne..." the woman shook her head "You have to find a man named Jaime Lannister, and you have to tell him I love him." Brienne breathed deeply "That I love him and I'm sorry."

  
  


 

Podrick nodded and she squeezed his arm one last time before getting up. They went out of the cell and silently walked along the long corridor that had brought Podrick to the weapons room. "The exit should be ahead, I saw some men coming in with a few boxes."

  
  


 

Brienne nodded and continued to advance silently; the first man they found was easy enough to eliminate. Brienne came up behind him without he noticing anything, neutralizing him with a blow to the head with the back of her machine gun. She did not even stop to see if the man was still breathing, proceeding quickly through the maze of corridors that separated them from freedom.

  
  


 

They continued to advance beyond the armory room where Podrick had worked, until a voice behind them stopped them. Brienne pushed Podrick aside, preventing him from being hurt by the blows that began to rumble in the confined space, opening fire on the man behind her, who fell to the ground with a cry. "Fast Podrick, now they know we're out!"

  
  


 

Sweat poured down from Brienne's forehead as she ran, feeling the pulse of her heart throb in her ears. She advanced like in a dream, followed by Podrick, shooting blindly every time a new enemy appeared in front of her, without stopping for a moment, trying to ignore the dull pain that came from her injured legs. After what seemed like hours, they arrived in what had to be the basement discharge area, and after long days, Brienne finally managed to see the sunlight from the crack of a door.

  
  


 

The voices behind her left no doubt that all the men in the base had to be behind them at that moment, ready to capture them. Brienne glanced at Podrick before recovering the weapons of the two men she had just shot, seeking shelter behind some crates in front of the entrance.

  
  


 

"Pod, this is the moment, you have to go." Podrick looked at her confusedly, pointing at the door "But we're almost there, you have to come with me." Brienne shook her head, checking the number of ammunition left "If we both escape there they will be on us in a moment, and we have no chance in the open field. I'll try to block them as long as possible, but you have to be quick."

 

 

Podrick looked at her for a moment, eyes shining "You never meant to run away... You knew it would end like this." Brienne looked at him, moved by his devotion "You promised me Pod. Go before it's too late."

 

 

For a moment Brienne thought he would say no, that he would stay there to get himself killed or worse, but in the end the reason seemed to get the better of Podrick Payne. he turned and ran to the exit without looking back.

 

 

Brienne picked up the weapon and started shooting the first man that tried to chase the boy, feeling the bullets whistle in the air a short distance from her face while her enemies responded to the fire. If that was really her last fight, Brienne had every intention of selling her skin dearly.

 

 

*****

 

 

"Sir!" Loras entered the Corporal Seaworth tent with his breath out, interrupting what seemed to be the man's evening routine.

  
  


"Damn Tyrell, do you think that is the way to enter your superior's tent?"

  
  


But Loras didn’t have time for the pleasantries "I know where they are Corporal! We have to go get them."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Just a little note to tell you that these last chapters are a bit chaotic, because when I wrote them I really didn't have much time to write (still more than now, lol) so I hurried up the things a little bit, I hope it's not a huge problem! I hope you like the chapter and as usual let me know if you have comments here or on my Tumblr page (minervamason as well)! Ciao :)


	18. Conclusion

Petyr Baelish stared at her for a long time, an indecipherable expression on his face, and Brienne stared back at him, not even looking down for a moment. Brienne had managed to keep a stalemate for a couple of hours, preventing them from chasing Podrick immediately, and she hoped with all her heart that the boy had managed to overcome the external defenses.

 

A tall, dark-skinned man stepped forward and spoke in Arabic to Baelish, too quick for Brienne to grasp the meaning of the sentence, but she understood from his expression that Podrick must have succeeded. Petyr faded her suspicion when he gave her a glance full of poison. "It seems your little escape plan has succeeded, at least in part. But don’t be afraid..." Baelish's smile appeared so sinister that Brienne could not avoid a shudder. "Mr. Payne gave us enough material to finish the weapons program... The plan will go on without him."

 

Brienne felt herself sinking, as if the entire ceiling of the base had collapsed on her at that precise moment: everything that she and Podrick had done had turned out to be useless. "Oh don’t do that disappointed face." Petyr smiled at her "Don’t worry, you won’t live long enough to see the results of my work..."

 

His hand slipped on the revolving pistol, and Brienne realized that her moment had arrived. From the instant she had finished the ammunition and Baelish men had captured her she had understood that it was over for her. But at that moment, staring at the weapon in front of her, she felt a twinge of fear: she had resigned herself to her destiny, yes, but she still wanted to live. There were still so many things she wanted to do, see...

 

"Sir!" A man appeared behind them, short of breath for running so far, and Petyr gave her one last threatening look before turning to him "What's going on?" The man whispered something in his ear and Brienne distinctly managed to see Baelish's face, usually calm and inexpressive, taking on an increasingly paler complexion.

 

"Call the men, we have to leave as soon as possible. If they know we're here, they'll be on us in no time." Brienne stood still as her mind clouded with fatigue and pain registered Baelish's words. They had discovered the hiding place, they were coming, maybe, maybe...

 

"And settle our guest..." Petyr pointed to the man in front of him "We don’t need her anymore." He left without looking back as the soldier picked her up off the ground and dragged her almost toward the exit. Brienne was too tired and sore to oppose any kind of resistance, but she felt happy. Even though it was the end for her, the army had discovered Baelish secret base. She only prayed that they would arrive in time to stop him before he escaped.

The man dragged her out of the base, and Brienne finally managed to get some fresh air. The pain in her ankle grew louder as the blood still fell from a wound to her right shoulder, which she had acquired shortly before, when a bullet had hit her with a smear. She had not realized it until the moment she saw the small drops of her blood fall on the sand, creating a trail that led to the place of her death.

 

When they were far enough from the base, the man made her kneel on the cold sand, and Brienne took one last look at the stars that shone above her. She felt extraordinarily calm, as if all the adrenaline and fear she had felt before had slipped off her, leaving only a terrible and empty sense of resignation.

 

She could perceive with incredible accuracy the breath of the man behind her, the screams coming from the bunker not far from them, the grains of sand that moved under her knees. She closed her eyes as she felt the cold metal of the weapon placed on the back of her head. She looked for something to say, one final word, one last rational thought, but she felt only incredibly tired. She took a deep breath and waited for the shot.

 

The blow went off and filled the air with a deafening noise, so that Brienne put her hands to her head before she could think that it was absurd that she could still hear. She whirled around and saw that the man who had stayed behind her until that moment was lying on the ground, a large bullet hole where before there was one of his eyes.

 

"Apparently I saved your skin again, Tarth!" Brienne looked up at the source of the voice and when her eyes met Loras', she felt her heart explode in her chest. "Loras... are we dead?" Loras smiled at her but Brienne could see the relief spreading in his eyes. "No, Brienne, but stay down or you could be soon, our men are now entering Baelish base."

 

Brienne felt her strength fail her, but there was still something she had to ask Loras before letting go to the emptiness that seemed to cling to her more and more, dragging her into the darkness. "Loras... did you find Podrick? Is he okay?" Loras seemed too concerned to bandage her shoulder to answer, but finally nodded "We met him while we were on our way here. It was him who showed us the entrance to the base and... "

 

Brienne didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, Podrick was safe and Baelish's plan was about to be stopped, she could afford to rest now. She slipped into the darkness of her mind, not knowing if it would be able to get out of it.

 

 

*****

 

 

A series of digital sounds brought her back to reality from a sleep of which she could not remember the dreams. It took her a few minutes to focus on the reality around her, her eyes still accustomed to the darkness she had been in for who knows how long, and when she did it, the first thing she saw was Loras, still beside her, watching her with a smile.

 

"Hey Sleeping Beauty..." Brienne laughed "How long did I sleep?" "Almost two days... They had to put more than a few stitches and you had lost a lot of blood, but the worst should be over now. You were lucky Brienne... "

 

"Pff lucky... I'm good at my job!" Brienne laughed, and before she realized her laughter turned into tears, and she was shaken by sobs so loud she could not stop, in the grip of all the emotions that in those terrible days she had locked up in a corner of her mind. Loras stared at her in amazement for a few seconds, amazed perhaps at seeing her cry for the first time since they met, then approached her and hold her tight in a hug. "You're safe now. Everything is alright."

 

"It was horrible Loras... That man, that monster... Tell me you stopped him." She felt Loras nod. "We got him, and we requisitioned all the weapons he had illegally transported here. He and his company are gone." Brienne cried again for a few minutes, squeezed into Loras's embrace, before recomposing herself, and Loras smiled at her.

 

"You made me worry Tarth... I thought I would not see your ugly face again!" Brienne laughed, this time seriously, and wiped her face with her left hand. "Loras... Do you know if Jaime... Does he know about all this?" Loras's smile grew even bigger "Does he know? It was him who found you." 

 

Brienne looked at him confused "How is that possible?" Loras shook his head "I have no idea... But Renly told me that somehow he managed to discover the coordinates of Baelish base. Without him we would never have arrived in time. That man must really love you a lot!"

 

Brienne blushed as Jaime's thought made its way into her still clouded mind, and she was about to cry again, this time for joy. She was alive, she still had the chance to tell Jaime that she, too, loved him, still had all the time in the world. Her thoughts were interrupted by a light knock at the door, followed by the entrance of Corporal Seaworth. Brienne had always seen him only from afar, but when he saw her awake he smiled as if he had always known her "Glad to see that you have recovered."

 

"Corporal" Brienne saw Loras snap to attention and she tried to greet him as well as she could, but Seaworth shook his head "There's no need. I came unofficially, just to see how you are doing. There will be time for greetings and questions, and I fear they will not be few... But not now." Brienne nodded and smiled at the corporal, before seeing another figure behind him.

 

"Podrick!" The boy passed timidly behind the corporal and smiled "I'm glad to see you awake Brienne..." Seaworth patted the boy, maybe a little too strong judge by Podrick expression "The young man here didn’t move a moment from your bedside, he absolutely wanted to make sure you woke up. I had to drag him away to make him sleep a little."

 

Podrick's face turned bright red "I owe my life to soldier Tarth sir, I just wanted to make sure she was okay." "Are you okay Pod?" The boy nodded "A few scratches, but nothing serious. They want to send me home with you though. And they have decided that I’m more useful and definitely safer if I’m not at the front."

 

Brienne looked at Corporal Seaworth "Are you sending me home?" The man nodded "I thought you'd like to stay quiet for a while, you deserve it." Brienne nodded "About home... Were they warned?" the two men nodded almost simultaneously before the corporal added with a grimace. "Captain Baratheon occupied the lines of the entire army until he received some news. It should not be a problem to make you call home even now... "

 

Brienne still felt terribly tired, and her head ached like never before, but she would not give up that opportunity for anything in the world. When Loras handed her the phone before leaving the small hospital room, Brienne remained in line for some very long and terrible minutes, with the fear that no one would answer.

 

"Brienne?"

 

His voice was hoarse from sleep and muffled by distance, but it was him. And he called her as if he had waited for nothing else. Brienne's heart stopped beating for a moment.

 

"Jaime. I'm coming home."

 

 

*****

  
  


Brienne took her first step on American soil with the squeaking crutch that had returned to her at the end of the flight, annoyed that she had to get help from Pod to get off the plane's ladder. Her left ankle had broken during the accident, and the plaster she was carrying made difficult every movement, yet she tried not to think about it at that moment. She was finally at home.

 

She didn’t know what to expect at the exit of the airport, but what she found left her mouth open: they were all there. Loras, who had returned a few weeks before her on leave, her sister Margaery, Renly, who smiled at her in that special way he had always reserved for her, next to them Tyrion and Tysha with little Joanna in her arms, and in the middle of all of them Jaime, who had eyes only for her as she walked towards them.

 

Brienne stopped in front of him, the ever-present fear that he would suddenly decide not to want her anymore, that he could read in her eyes what had happened to her, the fear that still gripped her heart. But he just smiled at her, with that splendid smile that Brienne had seen over and over in her dreams, and held her tight.

 

She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, feeling his perfume that had become her home. When he whispered "I love you" in her ear, Brienne understood that everything was going to be fine.

  
  


 

**A YEAR LATER**

 

 

Brienne walked along Pier 99 clutching herself in her coat. It was late August, yet the temperature didn’t exceed twenty degrees that day. It had taken her a while to get used to  San Francisco’s climate, always windy and rarely cloudless, but she liked it. She much preferred this to the dry desert climate that had accompanied her in the recent years.

 

The Pier was always full of tourists, and usually Brienne didn’t particularly like to come there over the weekend. But Jaime had convinced her to go eat with Renly and Loras after work, so there she was. She could hear the sea lions near the dock in the distance, their cacophonous and cumbersome sounds made her laugh, like they always did.

 

She still remembered Jaime's vaguely amazed expression when she told him they reminded her of big dogs, until he too saw the resemblance. "Do you think Honor would like to have a sea lion in the house?" he had said, making her laugh, imagining the pompous red cat struggling with one of those beasts.

 

When she moved to Jaime's home a few days after her return home, she first felt embarrassed, as if everything had been too quick, reckless. But she and Jaime found themselves surprisingly at ease with each other, and Brienne had learned to love the little house they shared, and their hairy roommate, who loved to do his fingernails on her suitcase and fall asleep curled up on her knees.

 

The last year had been full of news and surprises, beautiful and ugly periods, which she and Jaime faced together. Brienne left the army, a decision that had cost her more than she wanted to admit, but after what she had gone through the idea of returning to the front still caused her too much terror. There were nights when she woke up screaming, thinking she was still locked up in a cell, trapped under the ground. Those nights were the worst, but there was always Jaime at her side, ready to remind her that she was not alone. When her therapist had advised her to take a break from the army, she realized it was the right thing to do.

 

Surprisingly, it had been the one and only Cersei Lannister who found her a new job. While still treating her with condescension, she had proposed a job as a security guard in the court where she worked herself, and Brienne had accepted with pleasure. It was definitely quieter than what she was used to, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

 

Lost in thought, she set off for the carousel at the end of the pier, watching the children who laughed on colorful horses riding. Jaime had said he would wait for her there, and even though it seemed a rather strange meeting point, she did not object.

 

She remembered that place well, Jaime had taken her there for their first date, they had bought some cotton candy and had eaten it while watching the waves crash on the coast in front of them. Brienne smiled at the memory, thinking back to how much her life had changed since then.

 

She looked around for Jaime, but instead of finding him waiting, she found a letter with her name on it, attached to one of the large telescopes that tourists used to watch Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge. Brienne shook her head, Jaime had always liked to make jokes, and wondered what the hell he had thought of this time. She opened the letter cautiously, squeezing it tightly between her fingers so as not to make it fly in the wind.

  
  


**August 16th, 2003**

 

**My dear sweetie,**

 

**It's been almost a year since the last letter I wrote to you, and I think I'm a bit rusty, so you'll have to turn a blind eye on my bad manners and my bad writing (as you always do). I miss writing to you. Every time I think of the letters we exchanged, I think of how far I have come from the moment I met you. I don’t think there is a better way than a letter to tell you how much you are important to me, how much you have profoundly changed me.**

 

**I was a lost man, I had forgotten what it meant to love someone and love myself. You were like a light in the darkness in which I had fallen, you showed me what I tried to ignore, made me want to be a better man. When I thought I was losing you it was as if the world had collapsed on me, and I thought I would collapse too. Even at that moment, it was you who gave me the strength to go on, to find a solution to get you back to me. I would like to be a better writer to be able to express what I feel for you.**

 

**I can only tell you that I love you, even if these words are not enough. I hope that my actions are enough to show you that it's true. And I want to show you every day of my life, if you will allow it.**

 

**I think I've had enough time to sneak past you without getting noticed now, so you can turn around.**

 

**With love,**

 

**Jaime**

 

 

Brienne, however, didn’t immediately turn around, but remained still for almost a minute, while her gaze was lost in the blue of the ocean in front of her, letting everything that Jaime had written to her take place in her mind. It was still so strange for her to be told she was loved, truly loved. And there were days when the fear that that happiness might break was so strong that it left her breathless, that she wanted to escape without looking back. 

 

But if Jaime had found within himself the power to change for her, Brienne could take another step forward, and then another, without stopping and without letting fear stop her, without letting it keep her from being really happy.

 

She took a deep breath, and finally turned around with the letter still clutched in her hands, her eyes so bright that threatened to make her cry at any moment. Jaime was exactly where he had promised her, just a few feet away from her, on his knee as he handed her a ring.

 

He smiled at her "Of course you're slow to read..." Brienne laughed in spite of herself "Shut up!" Jaime laughed with her while a small crowd of curious people formed around them "Do you really want me to shut up now?" Jaime pretended to be offended, and Brienne shook her head.

 

"Brienne Tarth, will you marry me?"

 

Brienne nodded, unable to formulate a meaningful answer. Jaime put the ring on her finger with some difficulty "You have the hands of a giant, sweetie" he said kissing her, and she smiled "At least I still have them both."

 

A roar of laughter joined the one of Jaime and Brienne was not surprised to see Tyrion in the front row behind them "Oh Jaime, I love her. If you didn’t propose her I swear I would have done it" " Hey!" Tysha punched him in the shoulder, and Brienne saw with them also Renly and Loras, who smiled at her.

 

"You really invited everyone... You were pretty sure I was going to say yes" Brienne whispered as Jaime hold her close "I know I am exerting a certain charm on you..." Brienne shook her head "You're just lucky I like your cat."

 

They walked hand in hand towards the center of the pier, following the others, and Brienne realized it was worth it. Everything that had happened to her, all that had brought her to be there at that moment... She suddenly felt at peace, the fear abandoned in a remote corner of her mind. As long as Jaime was by her side, Brienne knew nothing could scare her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, at the end of this little journey! I would like to give you all a huge hug and thank you for all the support, the nice comments and the kudos for this story, I honestly didn't expect it and it was such a nice surprise! I hope you enjoyed this version of our beloved Jaime and Brienne, as always let me know if you have comments or suggestions for me. This is the last official chapter but tomorrow I'll be posting a little epilogue, per concludere in bellezza as we say in Italy. I'll see you all next time I hope!


	19. Epilogue

 

_ December 25th, 2013 _

  
  


 

_ Dear Dad, _

  
  


_ It's me, Brienne. Perhaps you will find this letter of mine strange, what sense can it have to write to you now, when it’s been years since you left me? I don’t know, but the other day I was arranging your old things in the attic and I found some letters I wrote to you when I was a child, and you weren’t at home, but in some military base scattered around the world, and I thought, why not? _

  
  
  


_ I do it more for myself, you know, because I miss you a lot. I miss your voice, your smile, your hugs when I came home... For years, even after you left, you have been my only point of reference, my image of home. I know you always worried because you thought I was going to be lonely, and... yes for some time I have been. But, now I have a new house, and I would like you to see it. I have a wonderful husband, a good man that I love with all myself, and we have a child, who will be eight years old in a few months. He is a scoundrel, like his father, but he’s also my greatest joy. We called him Selwyn, like you dad. And I always tell him stories about you, so that he knows what kind of man his grandfather was.  _

 

 

_ We also have a garden full of cats, since our first old cat Honor like us has decided to start a family: now that he’s old he commands a small fluffy army of kittens, always looking for cuddles and food. With Jaime I pretend they're bothering me, but we both know that’s not true. _

  
  
  


_ Today is Christmas and our home is so full of noise and laughter that I had locked myself in the room to write to you. There is Tyrion, my husband’s brother with his wife and their daughter Joanna, there are Renly and Loras, my two best friends who after years have finally decided to get married. This year there is even Jaime's sister with her two youngest children. After the divorce she has become much nicer - probably because she managed to take almost all the money to her husband. _

 

 

_ I _ __ _ also invited Podrick, a boy I met in the army in a situation that I would call unpleasant, but who turned out to be a dear friend. Unfortunately, he’s in Japan right now, he is now a big element of some computer industry I don’t understand anything about, so he just sent us a huge toy drone that Selwyn is most likely using right now to scare the cats. _

  
  
  


_ Maybe I'm writing too much nonsense, but I'm happy. Really happy Dad. I still have nightmares every now and then, as Jaime has, but they are becoming more and more sparse, and if all that has happened to me has taught me anything, it is that time can heal all wounds, if only we desire it. _

 

 

_ I wish I could tell you more about my life, I would like to talk for hours in front of a cup of tea while we watch the children unwrap the presents, but for now I will settle for this, because I hear Jaime calling for his "sweetie” downstairs, and I have to go.  _

 

_ I will write you again, I promise. _

  
  


_ With love, _

  
  


_ Brienne _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the epilogue. Again, thank you all for this little journey, I hope you enjoyed as I did!   
> (Also, if you want to contact me, I'm minervamason on Tumblr!)


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